college life

New Year Ahead: 2007

2006-12-31T16:05:00.000-05:00

Time flies when we least realize it, and to me, 2006 is a blurry of events and ongoings in my life that sped through these 365 days. So much for being 24, next yr is another year older.

Many things I can recall about 2006; of the fun times I had with the people here in IU, of my slacking 2 mths in army to fulfill my disruption, of meeting my family here in States, of friendship established. These I am grateful, and to many more things uncited but heartfelt. 2006 has been a good year. And I got a hunch 2007 will be even better.

To all whom may concern (thats you!): Have a great year end party and an awesome time having fun, keeping in mind to give thanks for the blessings that you receive. And I wish you have a smooth and bountiful year to come. God bless you.

Tonight, its out to paint the town red despite having diarrhoea for 3 fricking days and too thick headed to find a doctor to get some proper medicine. I guess some steak can do the trick! Maybe a little red wine to wash it down, just for good measure.

Constraints

2006-12-23T00:14:00.000-05:00

Working within our means, thats what I got today.

Its true, I cannot ask for more. Especially one like me, in such special circumstances. There are times where I do not fail to ask why me. But guess God has a plan for everyone. It is through this kind of constraints that I am maturing mentally. For good or for bad, I do not know. One thing for sure is that I will not let myself or anyone I hold dear to be in the same predictament as me. One mind working towards my goal.

Still, I understand the rationale. I comprehend the motive behind it. But maybe, everyone is in their individual unique situation that does not call for convention assessment. We always want something, whether its practical or not. And each individual who receives a gift uses it in their unique ways. Thats why God created so many individuals. We all have the freedom of choice.

When your choice gets restricted, you work within what is given to you. Never more. Try to push the limit and something may be taken away from you.

I am in between this fine line of sensitive zone. Cant help it, I'm born with it.

Still I work within my limits.

Whether I like it, or not. There is no choice in the first place. Such is my life.

Reflect: Fall 2006

2006-12-16T08:59:00.000-05:00

This semester has gone as fast as it came. It was pretty unsettling at the start, having alot of things on my mind and not mentally prepared for the semester at all. Through support of good friends like Jun who would love to dispense his famous "single line wisdom" to give me plenty to ponder about, and to illuminate me back on track. Friends like him are hard to come by, and should be cherished with both hands. Sounds marshy, but in life, you only need a few good friends whom you know you can trust your life with. At low points of your life, they are the ones who come in and make a difference. That's why I strongly believe and trust what they say.

On being the president for SSA, it is the support of many supporting friends that make alot of difference. In my mind, SSA is but a formal and collective term that we used to name our friendship bond of people from the same country, who bothers to come together and help one another in this unfamiliar land. Granted, as we adapt ourselves here, we tend to make judgments and search for our individual comfort zones among others. But the sole fact that we are one, and same from Singapore tells us that in dire situations, we will definitely stand together to support one another. It may not seem so as of now, but beyond that lies this truth. Everyone right now has their own objectives, motives and intentions. I do not choose my words lightly, but its true. Search within oneself and you will find it. I have it too. Everyone does. Sometimes it gets frustrating to be in the position where to have to make sure everyone is alright with an arrangement that you make, or just to be sure that people turn up. Its frustrating, but every president has this kind of problem. Because each one of us has their own agenda, its hard to ensure that the organization's will fit in with individual objectives. In my life experiences, I learn to be paitent. That one day, the paitence will pay off. There is no need to rush into things, or expect alot from someone. I believe that my committee has worked hard, and special mention must go to Linda, whom I feel is the most dedicated person on board. Without her, I will not be as motivated. She truly and unreservingly served the organization. I am not saying that the rest are not dedicated; our objectives just get murky as the time horizon stretches. Thanks to my ex-president, my roommate and the man who stays above me, for all the support and comfort. You guys are an understanding bunch.

This semester brought in new friends into the small social circle. I foresee more to come in the near future. Alas, as I have said before, I will go into being my recluse after my term. But like I said just now, we all are in one small social circle and we simply cannot ignore one another. I am a introvert by nature, but once in a while I like to stick my head out into the open to breathe some free air. I do not hang out does not mean I do not care. I do not say a word does not mean I do not comprehend. I do not seem to care does not mean I have no concern whatsoever. I do. And I would love to help. But I am also a guy who likes to stick his head in his own imaginary world, and love to be alone to do his own things. Such is my life, selfish as it seems to be. I always maintain that I am just a phone call away, for those who bother to look or find. I would not daggle myself on the rod, and tell others what I feel I can help them with. And I would help whenever possible or feasible.

I am glad to have many appreciative and kind friends among all of us. People who genuinely care. I can feel it deep down inside, and I thank God for them. As for others, I love to play the fool, because he is a fool and gets away with it. There is no need for me to spell out what they feel, because that's how they feel. I cannot change it, everyone is unique and has their own freedom to think and thought and feel. I just cannot be bothered to change their perspectives. Why should I? I may be just a guy walking past their lives in this short period of time. Half a year after we separate, I will be forgotten. I do not justify this kind of effort. God ask us to love our neighbors but love our enemies more. I do not have enemies, nor I see one in my eyes. So there is no enemy at all to love.

Thank you, for all your support! It is crucial for me to tide through this difficult semester. I hope I have of some aid to you just like you helped me over this semester. Hope we have a better semester to come!

God is kind to me over this semester. I was showered with blessings I do not deserve, primarily for the effort I put in. Too many times I had so much fun that I wasted my time, too many times I occupy myself and waddle in my own small pool of misery, and too many times have I simply give up on myself. But the semester's come and gone. And hopefully it will be a better one next year.

There are times when I maintain that I do not need someone in my life, as one of my friends pointed out. Screaming that I love being alone, and thus do not need someone in my life. I still maintain that position. Since my summer in Singapore, I learn that effort needs to be a two-way traffic. I refuse to be the only one giving anymore. I am sick and tired and pretty much banged up by being too nice. And until I find someone who is wiling to maintain the same values with me, I would love my peace and quiet and my wonderous company of my friends. I know what I am capable of treating a lady, but I have no wish to do so till I am certain that she can be understanding to my cause. Till then, I will be the "gay" that everyone brands me to be. Nothing wrong, just that it sounds abit sick. In my limited field of relationships, I was truly transformed by my ex-gf. To me, she is still the gear that I am stuck with, until I can find another gear to switch into. But I have decided to put my foot down on this: I will not be in a position where I trouble myself over issues of a relationship when I am not in one. I simply cannot justify the pain and agony I had gone through over someone who is not mine (read: dude). Late nights and complete shattering of my heart and soul. Is this what I deserve for liking a person? Not that I see it. Neither can I comprehend. I will not be able to suffer through another one like this. No more nonsense, I am getting old here.

Till someone who fits the bill looks over here, I will go on with my life and into my new semester.

外婆

2006-12-14T09:15:00.000-05:00

今天是外婆生日

我换上复古西装

载着外婆开着拉风的古董车兜兜兜风

车里放着她的最爱

找回属於是她的时代

往大稻埋码头开去把所有和外公的往事静静回忆

外婆她脸上的涟漪

美丽但藏不住压抑

失去了爱情只盼望亲情

弥补回应

大人们以为出门之前桌上放六佰就算是孝敬

一天到晚拼了命

赚钱少了关怀有什麽意义

外婆她的期待

慢慢变成无奈

大人们始终不明白

她要的是陪伴

而不是六佰块

比你给的还简单

外婆她的无奈

无法变成期待

只有爱才能够明白

走在淡水河畔

听着她的最爱

把温暖放回口袋

记得去年外婆的生日

表哥带我和外婆参加

她最最重视的颁奖典礼

结果却拿不到半个奖

不知该笑不笑

我对着镜头傻笑

只觉得自己可笑

我难过

却不是因为没有得奖而难过

我失落

是因为看到外婆失落而失落

大人们根本不能体会表哥他的用心

好像随他们高兴就可以彻底的否定

否定

我的作品

决定在於心情

想坚持风格他们却觉得还欧颗

没惊喜没有改变

我已经听了三年

我告诉外婆

我没输

不需要改变

表哥说不要觉得可惜

这只是一场游戏

只要外婆觉得好听

那才是一种鼓励

外婆露出了笑容说她以我为荣

浅浅的笑容

就让我感到比得奖它还要光荣

I miss you alot, ah ma. Now I understand why you want me to be in Singapore.

On the eve of my break

2006-12-13T16:42:00.000-05:00

Oh-So-No-Mood-To-Study

Still got my last paper, A207. Not panic or in a frenzy though (as you can see I'm still leisurely typing my blog). I just cannot wait for 7pm tmw (and of course, to complete my readings and practice). Think when I step out of the exam venue, I will scream my head off. It's been a crazy semester, with extreme ups and downs (and hangovers). Seems like I am cramping my life experiences all in 3mths. Sounds exaggerating? You have no idea...

I am jotting down on my whiteboard a list of to-dos. Just in case I am in another mood of "how come when I am having exams, there seems so many things to do, only to find out that I forgot it all when I'm done with exams". No way. Next semester will be crazier than this, and I'm optimizing my break this time round. Some include "watch my korean drama", "burn CDs", etc. I just hope I am not bored, maybe even plan a short trip somewhere for the festive season within my constraints.

There seem so much to reflect over this semester's work. Thank God for His continued blessings. Think I will put my foot down and go to church regularly. Think there is no excuse I can come up. And I have not been exactly the student I ought to be, too concerned about the fun or kicks I can get out of my academic life here in IU. And yes, I was kindly reminded that I am turning 25, that turn out to be a quarter of a century or a third of my life (pls dun let me live that long). Reflect on things that call of my attention, and my path onwards. My sis was joking yesterday that she sees my "bright" future down the road. Honestly, I was ashamed to even think about it. I am not granted the luxury of time, and there is alot of catching-up I have to do. No way for me to stop and take a breather, since I didn't have anything to start in the first place. Decisions to make, plans to decide. Sounds like a maze to me.

命里有实终须有，命里无实末强求
There are times when I hope and wish and pray that God grants me such resources for me to use. Sometimes the comparison becomes such an obssession that I can only sigh and pat myself myself on the back, dwelling in my own self-pity. I am constantly reminded that there is always a reason for me to work hard. How to take a break? Considering I do not have anything, except myself and my beliefs. There aint anything for me to fall back on. It will be make or break. And I realize there isnt anything to compare in the first place. We are all on different playing fields. There are times when I wish I have someone to look up to for guidance, to depend on and not probing blindly. Too many wrong turns I have taken. I have to build everything from scratch. Not an easy path, but there isn't any choice left. While I'm on it, looking around to others on similar paths seems very discouraging. But as the phrase said,"If you are fated to have something in you life, you will receive in the end; otherwise, do not wish too hard for it." The disappointment may be too great to handle in the end.

On a lighter note, I think a steak after exams is very tempting. Think I will do just that, some prime ribs with sauce. Excellent choice from Texas Roadhouse. Life, is filled with so many beautiful things. Think I will enjoy a stroll looking at the stars after that. =)

Nonsense Ramblings of a Troubled Student

2006-12-10T12:41:00.000-05:00

When I type the word "Student", it simply reminds of me K310 Student's distribution, aka t-distribution for small sample size n <= 30 that is not supported by the Central Limit Theorem, which makes it not able to approx it normally. Thus the use of t-distribution for all small samples. And when sample size is too small to approx something too big i.e. crime rates, use (x+2)/(n+4). Then again, there may be comparison between individual samples, thus use Chapter 9 comparison against populations for proportions, which I cannot remember the formula because we are allowed to use 2 6 by 4 cards for our formulas. I am very confused why there is so many formulas for small sample size comparisons. And I am not sure which one to use. And the exam is on Tue, which I do not have time to study since I still got 5 more chapters of X202 to read (which I read before earlier in the semester) but just cant seem to remember at all. And I need to read this because I majorly screwed up my X202 practical and there you go, who says michael doesnt screw up?!? Not that I am stressed that I am typing this blog, but I am sick and tired of reading about dead people who contributed their entire lives to music, only to have people from my century to critic or praise them when they could not hear them and accept or refute these details. Best of all, I am hearing Haydn's Symphony no. NINETY-FOUR "The Surprise". I mean, where got people chia ba ka eng to write 104 symphonies?!? Plus he's got to carry his master's balls so that he could keep his intact. And he's got to conduct, write new music, and set such a high standard of precedence and only to be spoilt by the current generation's music. Plus people still got to "quote" his music and there's even a genre called Quotation Music. Why would people want to quote their music and how come last time no copyright laws? Don't they get pissed when other people copy their work? Reminds me of this scenario: Haydn "Aye Beethoven, how come you copy my work?" Beethoven "Aye siao eh, where got your name on this piece of music? My tou-gay on the score is bigger than urs leh, so it covers 2 lines instead of one. And there is no copy right. So sue me." Right, just like I said, they are dead, so this conversation is imaginery. But since they are Mentor/Student relationship, guess they will have this kinda conversation quite often, especially when Beethoven do not like Haydn and went secretly to find another mentor (btw, this is from my reader, not that I come up with something so nonsensical). I wonder how much they earn last time to write a piece of music. After all, aint these pieces of music very subjective and appeals to different people's aesthetic sense? So if publisher A say "Hmm good music, but abit dark Beethoven. I don't think Venice people will like it." Beethoven "HAR? WHAT YOU SAY? I CANT HEAR YOU!" Publisher A "Aye, I just say it may not appeal to the interest of people in Venice. Don't have to shut off things you don't like to hear" Beethoven "WHAT? I REALLY CANT HEAR YOU!" Publisher A "That's it! Are you deaf or something?!" Beethoven "DEAF? NOOOO NOOO DON'T SAY THAT *plucks hair* NO DUN SAY THAT..." *Symphony No. 5 Movement 1 starts playing its rhythmic melody short-short-short-long* As those business students may not know, Beethoven had hearing problems when he was about 28 and was deaf by the time he submitted his Symphony No. 9 with the famous Ode to Joy. And of course, who in the right frame of mind will reject the Venice 1st wave of famous composers (Haydn, Mozart, Beethoven)? But then again, I would not say that same thing for the 2nd wave of composers (Schoenberg, Alban, Webern) who composed using the 12-tone system. Absolutely no respect for the dead. Tsktsk. I think Mozart will turn in his grave and complain to Beethoven beside him "Aye siao eh, I think we better pretend to be dead. Its a mess up there." Speaking of Mozart, I absolutely love his opera "Don Giovanni". How the hell did he predict how people turn out to be like that? Ok lah, since this generation some believe its alright to have more than one gf, I think its alright for Don Juan to have 1,003 lovers in Spain, 640 in Italy, 231 in Germany, 100 in France, 91 in Turkey. And who is the most sickening person in the play? His friend-servant Leporello. He watched his master have sex with almost 2,000 girls! Damn... talk about free porn.

All these nonsense, some are true. But most of them are just posted for your entertainment value. Just for a laugh. =) study hard people!

施文斌: Hello Angel

2006-12-07T22:30:00.000-05:00

Hello Angel
香　(2004東海堂冰皮月餅廣告歌)
窩　作詞:施文斌作曲:施文斌監製:施文斌
‧　
藍　* 既然睡不了既然吃不好
藍　不如就黑夜熬到破曉
香　竟然看不到你的心在跳
提　但是你讓我看不清未來 *
供　
‧　# 銀白色月光下微笑說你是上帝給我的天使
歌　但是你沒想微笑不相信你 #
詞　
香　@ Hello angel angel angel angel
窩　yes I love you yes I love you
‧　Hello angel angel angel angel
藍　yes I love you yes I love you
藍　
香　白 : 夜晚我們睡不了覺竟因為有你
提　興奮的說了很多很多無關緊要的話題
供　在這複雜的世界裡找到一點天真
‧　和你一起擁有輕鬆快樂的感覺
歌　我站著坐著笑著心早已不知飛到哪里去
詞　
香　Repeat * # @
窩　空的沙灘留下你的腳印哪里是不相信你
‧　未來的你是上帝給我的天使
藍　但是你沒想微笑不相信你 Repeat @

Christmas

2006-12-07T01:12:00.000-05:00

Love Christmas!

Maybe its the builtup in preparation for this awesome season. About gathering with your loved ones. Sharing and giving mood that everyone is in, about warmth and love.

If I have a wish this year, I would wish for one perfect Christmas Day in my lifetime. Complete with a perfect Christmas eve dinner, sitting around the fire with friends and family talking shop. When the clock strikes 12, we exchange presents and Christmas carols playing in the back drop. The day will be perfect with snow outside, wind blowing slightly. Christmas tree decorated with presents placed abundantly under it. The anticipation of gift exchange, the warmth from the fire and the love from family and friends. How perfect.

Maybe, sometimes, I am asking and imagining too much. Things that do not seems plausible.

At least, I dream.

Exam Destress

2006-12-07T00:44:00.000-05:00

So I was having dinner with my friend when she mentioned about vicious cycle about how she likes to stay at home to watch TV. I totally feel its nothing wrong, and if there's any chance I would own a plasma TV with 200+ channels at my disposal 24/7, count me in to couch there and catch all movies that interest me. So she mentioned that, when she stayed in to watch TV and eat in, she put on some weight (where got?) and when she put on weight, she doesnt want to go out to meet people or wear going out clothes. And when she doesnt want to go out, she stays at home to continue watching TV. And the cycle continues. Before you think that I am rambling at someone's plight, that's not how I look at it. I totally agree with the concept of vicious cycle, and it applies to things we do that we are oblivion about. Take for example, one pitfall which I try very hard to avoid. At the start of the semester, you promise yourself to work hard for the semester so that at least when it comes to the end of the sem, you can give yourself a little less pressure on your finals. So when the first exam comes around the corner, I would think that since this is the first exam, shouldn't be too hard to score for it. Thus I would not study as hard. When the results turn out, I score lesser than expected. I start to think that its the course that is a pain in the ass, and start rejecting it, hating it. When the second exam comes around, I will not be as motivated to study, but there will be a nagging feeling to study for it. Yet when the results do not turn out my way, I get more pissed. Vicious cycle.

Somehow, this reinforces the negative feeling you have about some subject. And when you reach a point, you totally reject the subject. Vicious cycle comes into play especially with relationships with your peers. Negative-feeling reinforcement about someone. You start to pick out nitty-gritty wrongdoings about a person, and such feelings get reinforced. Vicious cycle. Honestly, I think this is how shit gets stirred. All without giving the poor person a chance to explain his position. (Btw, this is just my tots. No one is referred in this scenario. Dun assume!)

Frankly, when I spot myself getting into one of such cycles, I will like to break away. Not as easy, since you are breaking from what your feelings assume is correct behavior, especially when you are challenging yourself to view this situation from a bigger perspective. No one likes it. At least I try lah, gimme the credit. At least I told myself this winter shall not be like the last one, no way in hell am I going to go down the slope to eat, drink and be merry without giving my health priority consideration. Or least I cannot stand the sight of myself to put on weight (truth!). Look good, feel good; healthy body, healthy mind. That is a positive cycle I like to adopt. Not all habitual cycles are bad!

Exams sucks. As much as I am telling myself that this sem pose a challenge unlike the past 2, I cant think past the thought that I have a TON to read and memorize, and on top of that, I still got to absorb new materials taught during dead week. Well done, didn't realize 15 credits can do so much damage to my already-diminishing brain cells (due to drinking). From my friends who ask what classes I take next sem, seems like I am getting a clearer perspective of the huge workload I'm carrying in spring. Well done, talk about challenging myself. Bo bian ah! Suck it up, take it like a man since its my decision. Always do the best that you can in situations that you cannot change. (X202: that will be constraints, formed to limit the feasible set and find the optimal objective function) Okay my brain is kinda congested right now. So much for de stress.

Abstain

2006-12-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

Since when I started drinking so heavily? I guess it must be during the summer, where I realized I am missing out on so much fun stuff in life. Partying, drinking, smoking; all of them becomes part of my life. I crave for a drink, I light up on hearing a party, and when I drink, I like to smoke (the combination is so smooth). I love to dance, and dancing after some drinks makes you forgot yourself and dance your heart out. When you party, these three factors must come into play to have an exciting evening.

Until you have tilted the balance by having more than you should.

Something I have not learn is my restrain on alcohol. I just drink, testing my limit as I down a shot, 5, or 10. Last night's party was pretty good, except when you drink too much. Coupled with a late night's sleep, I was tipsy pretty quick. Thanks to Jun and Lawrence who so kindly dragged my ass up to my apartment. I was rewarded for drinking so much the next morning: a hangover. This is my second hangover that I had in my entire life, of which both instances happened in IU. Not good. You get unproductive in the day, wasting your time in bed and trying to get rid of bad headache that rings in your head. And the guilt creeps up: why oh why did I drink so much?

There comes to a point in life when you suddenly wake up and say to yourself "I think its time for a change". Yup, I'm getting that kind of moment right now. And sure as hell I am ready to move on with my life. No more smoking or heavy drinking. (Not that I can say about dancing cos I just love to dance)

And I have just broken my promise. This time, I will not even try. I will definitely abstain from either of the two. For sure.

Christmas Carols

2006-11-29T01:13:00.000-05:00

Somehow, sitting inside Starbucks and listening Christmas carols seems like my fav past time these couple of days. However just the tot that I will be spending Christmas alone kinda suck. Never once had I tried having a Christmas dinner with my family, let alone the process of waiting till the stroke of midnight on Christmas Day to unwrap presents. All I recall about Christmas for me, will be myself drinking away, drowning whatever tots or emotions that might surge up during this festive season. I don't blame my dad for not being around for this season cos he simply does not see the need to celebrate, nor anyone else. Its nice to celebrate, very nice indeed. But not necessary. Sometimes I do envy those who get to go through such warm festive season with their family and friends. But that's life. Just blame it on luck, nothing else. If I keep on comparing with others just to blanket myself in my own misery on the things I do not have in my life, I would have committed suicide long ago.

But a word to people out there: there isnt anything that in life that is fixed. Security is but a state of mind, fooling yourself that what you have right now will surely be there always. Some people are born with that kind of luck, thank God for that. Not me, I'm sure. Too much at stake as always.

Anyway, Christmas is a time to celebrate. To give thanks and be surrounded by loved ones. Such a sight, I could almost imagine it. Will stay at imagining as always. Sitting at Starbucks, listening to carols. Maybe thats what I'll do for Christmas. This reminds me of an episode for Mr. Bean, except that its set in real time. Mr. Bean posting Christmas cards to himself, buying presents for himself, it was hilarious initially. Guess everyone who is away from home tends to get this kinda feeling, of isolation and loneliness. Guess I like it this way. In my heart, I long for days when I am enveloped by that kind of warmth. The kind that will be around no matter you are the perfect kid, or the black sheep of the family. It will just warm you regardless of who you are.

'Tis the season, when I miss my mom the most.

Whatever I do not have in my life, I will give it to the one I love the most. After all, Christmas is my fav festive season.

Thankful

2006-11-25T10:47:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving was, as usual, a blast for me. Had a pretty good event a week ago and plenty of food to go around. Life, in general, has been good for me. Shit happens in life, but hey, ce la vie rite? During that event, we had a wall for thanksgiving, and there were many notes exchanged and given to the people who attended. Thank you everyone, for your notes! Appreciate it alot! And I'm going to give my thanks to the people around me. Just naming a few, it won't be long! If you are not mentioned, my appreciation to you is kept in my heart.

(No order of preference, dun even think abt it!)

To my beloved Grandma: Thanks for loving me so much! Sorry I've not been as great a grandson as I ought to be, and I very much wish I am back to spend some time with you. You cared for me so unreservedly and filled my dark days with the speck of light. I know, obviously, you cannot read this! haha but you are always kept within me and the reason I am travelling back to Singapore as frequently as needed. Thank you so much for being part of my life! Stay healthy and watch me graduate!

To my best Bro: There have been conflicts between us for some time now. And I can say, that some part of me are just making this shit up. Being paranoid and over cautious, you still loved me like a brother. I am so stupid to distrust you. There ain't many people like you around who can forgive me for what I've done. You, knowing my awful character, chose to still believe in me. I am utterly grateful for that! Thanks for your trust and love, I won't be stupid anymore. Someday, we will set up that bachelor pad we talked about for so long! haha... after I grad!

To my 2 brothers: you guys, better study hard! Thanks for being there in spirit. I know that. And for putting up with your dad when I'm not around. Hock, you are the matured one in the family, don't follow my footsteps. Thank God, for He transformed you to the reliable person you have become right now. Yong, don't spend so much time with gf lah. Study and have fun at the same time!

To Jun, my half bro: Thanks for always putting a tot for me despite me trying to be a hermit. Getting me out of my home and doing "crazy" shits, you make me believe that outside my circle of trust in Singapore, I can get someone else inside here. Your matured perspective of life, your honest opinions and your advice (except of ahem... A...) helps me alot in my life here in Btown. There is still someone who practise integrity, which I strongly believe in my life. Thanks for helping me time and again, unreseveredly and share your thoughts with me. I'm quite sad that you are leaving soon, but I know its for your best interest. We will be DB as always!

To xiao mei: thanks for your concern and care! maybe all gfs shld learn how to cook like you! haha... you possess the fun-loving part that I never have, and thanks for dragging me out time and again to have dinners and remembering me for anything you've got on. Nice to have a sis around and you, like jun, are very much part of my life! And pls don't complain if I wash dishes the next time! Theres only how much I can do for you as a brother, feel guilty about it.

To my roomie: Thanks for tolerating me as a roommate. I'm not the best live-in guy you can find, but I try to do what I can do around the house. Thanks for expressing your tots with me and let me have a clearer perspective. I may be naggy sometimes, but hey, I do that to all my friends! Not trying to be the "experienced guy" around here, just trying to pinpoint areas where I once have done wrongly and do not want others to follow. Thanks for cooking! Otherwise I may end up eating jimmy jones all day.. hahaha...

To Denise: You are such a sweet gerl! Thanks for helping me around whenever I need, even thou at times I can see that you are busy and have other things to do. Thanks for being there, esp for SSA stuff like you promised! I'm grateful to have you around and gimme a listening ear to my everyday complaints.

To Weihwa: Thanks for taking care of me and your cooking is still as marvelous! Thanks for inviting me for dinners and get me out of my home to do stuff. And thanks for listening to my nonsense every one and then.

To Gene: Thanks for your support as always! Sometimes I do not seem to be as friendly or helpful to your cause, yet you tolerated. Thanks alot! And in my opinion, you are way ahead of your age despite what others say. We are peers, in this school, and Fate brought us together here. I'm very certain to see great success stories unfold in your future life. Have faith in yourself, cos I put my faith in you as well, whether you like it or not. You are like my brother who is the same age as you, and I would like to give whatever help or support I can offer to see you grow from strength to strength.

To Lawrence: 2nd circle upgrade to 1st? hahaha... its great to have you around! Someone to share my perspective in life as well! Cheers to the future road we will take!

TO David: Thanks for all the glorious food you cook, and dragging me to gym despite my unwillingness to do so! Thanks for tolerating me, even though I can see that I am not the conversational friend that people would like.

To Clement: Thanks for being the nice guy that you are.

To the gerls in my life (Shuang, Emily, Elaine, Kaixin): Thanks for all your advice and your concern, giving me strength when I am weak or perspective that I never have. Thanks for listening to me blabbering nonsense and for your time and effort, esp during the summer when I'm not the best friend you can have. Cheers to the many great years of friendship to come!

To her: Thanks for making me see that life isnt about for the future, but for the moment as well. You make me see a whole new perspective that I am embracing, and your impact in my life is bigger than you can comprehend. I'm sure you are happy now, so continue the way that you are. Hopefully, Fate allows, our paths cross and I get to see you again. Next time, as someone lesser.

To my guy buddies (Kwek, Sheng, Mun, Jin): Thanks for all your support in my life! For your advice and your concern, and your pespective in life helps me alot to understand what I need to do in life.

To Jeff: Thanks for your commic-sharing, your time and effort as a good friend! Hope to see you soon in States! Thanks for concern and listening to my constant stream of complaints.

The list goes on, and will never stop. Thanks for everything friends! God bless you always!

Jay Chou's Magic

2006-11-23T15:31:00.000-05:00

没什么心情读书，所以在youtube上找了几首流形华语歌来听。找到周董的几首新歌，尤其觉得“退后”十分好听。但我觉得周董所唱的古典歌十分感人。相 “东风破”之类的古典歌。找到“菊花台”和“千里之外”，觉得这两首歌还比“东风破”来得好听。“千里之外”是周董和费玉青所唱的组合；你要听了才明白这首歌的美妙。

ok, my chinese is damn fricking rusty. I better practise more before I lose it all. Sooner or later I will be killed by shuang for not practising. haha... oh well, since she's not around I guess its alrite till I meet her in summer! =p

Absolutely love this song! Can't wait to go back to Kbox and sing! Arrgghhh...

我懂了她: 李圣杰

2006-11-23T02:00:00.000-05:00

我好想她現在好嗎
舊畫面還在記憶裡掙扎
那年的夏結束時說的話
一直不能放下

她說愛啊愛很偉大
所以才能讓她勇敢離開
當時的我不明白為什麼
直到時間白了頭髮

我懂了她她不讓眼淚落下
所以讓愛結束在最美剎那
她的眼裡進了沙
她算了吧夠了吧
不要再苦苦掙扎

我懂了她不要我為她牽掛
她說天空很大要自由飛翔
沒有結果的愛情
她放了吧走了吧
不想要彼此受傷
她那麼傻

爱情的伟大，没人能衡量。
爱情的珍贵，有谁能了解？
爱情就是那么脆弱，谁能承受它一次又一次的伤害？
我渴望的爱情，会来吗？
这些年的等待，会有结果吗？
小妹问过我，到底在等什么。
我不知道。
我到底要什么？
我不清楚。
我只知道我不希望再伤害另以个人了。
我十分懊恼当时做的事。
很后悔当初没经过大脑的决定。
我想，你伤得很深吧？
对不起，原谅我吧。
我只想望前走，可是我不能原谅自己。
那时的阴影仍然残留着。

我渴望的爱情，会来吗？

OMFG

2006-11-17T11:08:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I went up to Purdue with a couple of my friends to attend their annual Winter Formal dinner. There are only 4 IU people having that dinner, hence we became a natural target to their "games". I found this on Gene's blog, could not stop luffing at the antics we are capable of. Check it out and have a good luff!

On Being Lonely

2006-11-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

These few days while mugging for a series of exams, the suppressed feeling of loneliness creeps up on me. At that moment, I definitely wish to have someone around me. Someone to talk to, to listen to, or just being there. Funny, because I love my solitude. I like being peace and quiet, just sitting somewhere in the obsecure corner and stare into nowhere. I love being all by myself, walking around, sitting in a cafe with a book, jogging or doing sports alone; such moments seem to rejuvenate me, giving me time to reflect on what's to be done, what I have done over the course of the week or day, or simply just space out and focus on the primary activity (I'm a guy, I cannot multi-task). In midst of enjoying my space and time alone, I get hit by these moments where I crave for attention. Yes, crave. And no, I do not think its wrong. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your time with friends, family or just random people you do not know. But somehow, this is my comfort zone that I do not wish to step out. Btw, I suck at communicating with others, and can never carry a normal conversation properly. Even with my best friend. He just talk, and I will listen, occasionally spicing the one-way conversation with a nod or a comment. That's how it works for me.

I'm an introvert.

But that's just me. Like I said, that's why I love being alone. But like many of you have seen me partying crazy and doing all sorts of nonsense, that seem to be the part of myself trying to break free from the isolation I confined myself in. In the end, when the fun's over and partying's done, I will be alone somewhere. Sometimes the loneliness grips me to a point that I feel the need for a girlfriend. Someone "bonded" to you, being there for you and attempts to understand you. However, over the course of this year, I have seen what loneliness can drive people to make wrong decisions, or that's what I deem they are. Getting attached to salvage themselves out of being alone. My brother did just that. He got attached with his ex-girlfriend who he left years ago, only to get together again because of army (you know, army guys...). In the past, he expressed to me that he was disturbed by his ex. And now, being driven by the feeling of being wanted, he got attached. This goes to the same for a guy like me who is abroad and away from my comfort zone. There comes to a point when I look around my student population and see people getting attached out of no rhyme or reason. Just afraid of being lonely. But of course, there are special cases where true love blooms (like my sis and bro!), for that I sincerely applaud.

What I am trying to say here is that being lonely isnt as terrifying as it is. Having a relationship in my case seems to be out of the question, even though I am still being accused of flirting with people for this sake. Haha sad to say, I am way beyond that. Not that I care about what others say as it doesnt matter to me as well, just sometimes it hurts to think friends think about you this way. Sometimes it gets really interesting to listen to those gossips about myself! hmmm... For that part, at least I train myself to curb that feeling. All I do, is for myself to have fun and enjoying that particular moment that I'm in. Hell, if a special gerl comes along the way, I'm not stopping myself though! hahaha... Desperation drives a man crazy. But it is a state of mind. Knowing what you really want and using your head (not the other, and not your heart) to think are the keys to curb all that feelings.

Till then, I will continue to be the "satellite" person that comes and go, and hopefully God is kind enough to find a person that I really really like, so that she can share those moments with me.

Disappointed

2006-11-09T15:04:00.000-05:00

Nuff Said.

I can kill myself, get run over by the fricking train, jump down from Campus View, or run down my any damn car which pulls up in front of this building. Lemme fucking die.

Milk and Cereal

2006-11-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

For those who know me well enough, this is my obssession! Never fails to bring a smile to my day while looking at this video!

All-smiles

2006-11-05T12:55:00.000-05:00

Studying fer my Z101 again... everytime when I am mugging fer it, it does not fail to dawn on me why oh why did I take something that I have no interest in?! I still maintain my position that university should not waste time compelling others to take courses other than their areas of interest. I mean, I see myself as a business student and my forte is numbers. Why make a business student take something like music?! Irritating.

Anyway, my friend made a very interesting trend: everytime I am bordering on the extremes of my mood, I will blog. Haha its pretty accurate prediction, but I do admit that its the fact. After all, isnt this why I set up this little space in the World Wide Web? The little space that I can complain all I want, say my piece and move on. I can be a damn bitch at times, but no matter what I say, I do what I deemed its right and not go along with that little voice in my head. My fren Caez used to say that people who listen and heed their emotions to do things are bound to fail, cos you need to use your head to think, not your heart.

So what mood is it today? Hmm not too good I guess. I am just irritated. Very irritated in fact. I realized why I am the loner that I was made to be. I have expectations of myself, in terms of every aspect of my life. Now when I try to apply my expectations to others, the model totally breaks down. That's why I maintain never to expect: from people ard you, from your friends, from your family. Keep that expectation to yourself. Never apply it to others. Each time I am irritated the way I am right now, I just keep telling myself I will not possess the trait that I myself will be pissed off with. Abit of perfectionist, I know. But thats the way I live, too bad.

And today, I accidentally cross my own threshold to expect something out of nothing. I am pissed. I am irritated. But there is nothing I can do. But I will not display this kinda behavior. I know my true friends will not do that to me (thats you, bro!) But till then, I will live up to my expectations. By that time, I will go back to my isolation and do what I please. No more expectations cos I do not need any. No more pissed off behavior. I do as I please. Selfish? You bet!

I love my life. I treasure the people ard me. But the all-smiles Michael has a built-in limit. A limit to everything. After which, do not expect me to be all-nice, all-smiles. Why should I? Respect is earned, Friendship and Loyalty are a dying trait in this fuckup society. I do not see much in this world. But at least I know who meant the best for me. People who treasure me and my friendship.

Smile, regardless the world is gray or colorful. Smile, regardless of the pain you feel or the happiness you feel. Smile, and the world is dissolved in it.

So much to do, so little time

2006-10-24T20:00:00.000-04:00

Yeap. I am alive from being trashed on my birthday. After what was like 15 shots or more within 1 hr plus, I guess I knew where my limit stood especially after that night. Had to wake up at 6am in the morning to complete a paper despite having hangover and dizzyness. Not too bad lah, I just spent the morning puking in any toilet that I gone past AND have to prep for Wisconsin Games.

Wisconsin Games was a blast!! Even though IUSSA did not win any single game (which I predicted), we had a hell lot of fun going around Madison. After all, winning isn't everything to me but I'm not sure about the rest... Anyway we went back to our hotel at Marriott Courtyard where we dipped into the jaucuzzi for a while. After which, its party time! I must say that the event was really well-organized. And how on earth did they manage to secure the lounge to allow 18 years and above to enter a club?!? That I need to find out!

The Purdue pple really showed us how hard they could party, much to my amazement and broke the stereotyped image I had of engineers. Maybe, they just DOTA, drink and go for classes. That must be it. Should check out how well they could handle the liquor. It was a really fun night, and "incidents" occur that made it really memorable (for someone, that is). I think that throughout this trip, the bonding amongst other SSA really started in the club! After all, alcohol is a social luburicant.

I could not settle down and get back to my books. Really got hyped up by the trip to Wisconsin (and wanting more!). Even though today's tuesday, my mind's off to the coming weekend's parties. Halloween Party by AAA! Talk about something to look forward to! The party's on Saturday, and I guess I will continue after the party to club. Speaking of clubing, I believe I might go on Friday as well. After all, with the Michigan fans coming down to support their football team, it will be packed with pple! OR I can head down to UIUC for the 3 day 2 night Halloween Party! I am one hell of a distracted student...

So much to do, yet so little time. And yeap, I conveniently neglected my project due this coming Sunday. Oh well, its Sunday. Hope I can get it done by this coming Friday noon!

Life's been good

2006-10-19T11:20:00.000-04:00

THANK YOU GUYS

Really sweet of you people to come at such late time to "surprise" me on my birthday, despite having exams, taking time off to bake me a cake (I promise I will eat it), to organize anything fer me, or to get me such a BIG gift (hahaha I still cannot believe it)!

Thank you y'all. Life's been good to me, to know that I have such friends around. It seems like my life's been complete with you all around.

24 years seems to flash past me, even in the midst of me writing an industry brief assignment. Reflecting on what has occurred and all that has happened, God is gracious to me with people I know who love me despite ALL my shortcomings. I thank you all for that paitence and love.

Just got an E card from Dad. Haha even though he has not given me anything for my birthday since I was 12, I teared because at least I know he's been far away from me and thinking about me. Looking back, it's been hard on him to support the family, to act as the role of my mother since she passed away when I was 12, and to bring all 3 of us up. I must admit I am not the understanding and paitent child who supposed to be standing beside him in times of his need, and I am utterly ashamed of it. Yet he still loves me unconditionally, regardless of my past wrongdoings. I am reading this book called "For one more day" by Mitch Albom, and what I draw from it is that you should appreciate someone while that person is still around. Even now, I still utterly miss my mom and wish I was the obedient child while she was around. Wishing for one more day. But there's miles to go before we reunite, and I am looking forward to that day. Till then, thanks Dad, for everything. I love you.

While walking back home with a smoothie in hand, I told my roommate that there is this song that kept ringing in my head that describes my life. Of the perils, of the advices, of friendship and brotherhood. Now, I do not have that many bros, but I thank the 2 who stand by me despite everything. Thanks bros. I appreciate these years of brotherhood.

This song was sung by my warrant officer during one of our drinking sessions. The passion when he sang it really touched me because of his perspective of life, so honest and straightfoward, very 讲义气, which was what people are lacking these days.

I thank the Lord for this day, and commit it to Him.

Do Not Expect

2006-10-17T12:16:00.000-04:00

Do not expect things to go your way.
Do not expect people to feel the same way as you.
Do not expect things will last forever the way it is.
Do not expect anything out of the what you have given out.
Do not expect.

Simple logic: no expectation = no disappointment

I am sickened by myself of expecting something out of nothing.
Somethings are just not worth the while. But you gotta do it.
Just don't expect people or things will turn out as you will.
As Murphy Law states "What is going to go wrong will go wrong"
There can never be what we termed as "equality" cos it never exist.
Fate can be funny at times, except that you are the joke.
Not all hardwork pays off, so don't expect anything out of it.

I think I am suffering from the goldfish syndrome. Whatever that hurts me will give me the pain for the moment. As soon as it occurs, I will forget about the pain. And like a sick puppy, I will go back for more. Sad but true.

I am done.

Missing out

2006-10-14T17:04:00.000-04:00

Arrgghhh!!!

Just went to Caliente to check out the usual updates and realize what I am missing out! Singapore Salsa Congress 2006!!!

Damnit... stuck in this bird-dun-lay-egg place where there is limited space to learn and even fewer places to dance, there is nothing much I could do. Seems like I am losing enthusiasm, but I am just waiting for my summer to arrive when I can go up north to learn and dance in Indy! Just can't wait...

In the meanwhile, please don't remind me what I am missing in Singapore cos by the way things are looking, it will be a lonnnngggggg while before I go back home.

*agony*

Attention Grabber

2006-10-13T08:32:00.000-04:00

So I was at Starbucks *trying* to get some readings done with my roommate when these 2 koreans gerls walked in. Curious as I was to check them out, I was blocked by a pillar. My dear roommate was giving comments that seemed positive and so I decided to extend my view. Rocking my chair backwards, I could almost see her until... my head banged against the display shelf that was behind me.

Hope she noticed me, in a more positive light... hahaha

Things we do in Btown to keep ourselves entertained can be really funny at times. Some things we do can be quite ridiculous to think of it...

Moving on yet again

2006-10-11T22:53:00.000-04:00

I just cannot stay unhappy, or mad or angry for long period of time. The Lord is kind enuff to grant me goldfish memory, to forget things that shouldn't be or never shall be remembered.

That, comes with a price as well.

I tend to forget anything that makes me happy, thus leaving me unsatisfied with my mediocre life. Try as I might for myself to recall, they are always in vain. I also tend to forget the things I need to remember, like my novels or even when I try to memorize text. Thank God for showering me with the luck to scrap through my exams till this point. I guess recognizing one's weakness is a good start to gain more control with the life you have. Recognizing this one is a step, and I've got thousands more to thread.

Thanks bro, fer your "higher calling" motivational speech. Haha I am blessed to have you around. I tend to forget in the midst of my mindless pursuit that sometimes things are just meant to be. You never know what's installed for you in time to come, or any greater design you are supposed to be part of. I like to draw the essence of that speech to this point. Kinda makes me licking my own wounds but hey, I'm not that bothered by it, so to speak. After all, this is a blog created for me to complain. Whether you like it or not.

It is always good to see and know that people move on in their lives instead of stagnant within their prisons of quicksand that lure them deeper into the abyss. Having someone to take care of you seems like the best alternative ever, a beacon of hope that guides you through your darkness hours. Solitude. Loneliness. Sense of being abandoned. There is only this much a man could stand. Cheesy as it sound but, Love, conquers it all. I like the idea of a pandora box, where the evils of the world pours out and seize the people. But Hope creeps out of that box of sins, promising those who seek it hard enough the chance to find it in the least expected places.

Every man has their limits. And we need to test them to find where our individual boundaries lie. People who are satisfied with their limits only fall in between what we call comfort zone. And as we lie there without giving a heck on what we do not know how to do, these two ends start closing in on you. Until you find that one fateful day you are just depending on what you are comfortable with, and the reluctance to push bounds you heavily to the ground. That, is your new limit.

I think its about time I start pushing mine.

Failure

2006-10-10T20:32:00.000-04:00

I have failed myself yet again.

Luck does not play a part in this endeveour;

Perseverance does.

About time to wake up, don't you think?

Cos I do not like this feeling.

Another video

2006-10-10T17:49:00.000-04:00

Can you be this strong after you realized you've got a disease that deteriorates your mobility and increases your dependency by the day?

This video is from the same series One Liter of Tears that I have been watching. Everytime it never fails to make me tear. Do you have such supporting family members who will be there through thick and thin?

There are 2 things that I long for right now and the near future. I hope when the time comes, I will receive it.

Don't expect. The world never owe you anything. And neither do you expect anything out of it. Do your best, leave the rest to the Lord. He has a plan for you.

One Liter of Tears

2006-10-03T12:12:00.000-04:00

Everytime I see this MV, I just feel like crying.

One Liter of Tears MV

Story line is about a girl Aya who found out she's got this disease that limits her ability to control her body. Through this period where she slowly loses her control, she found love enveloping around herself from her family, friends and Asou. Until she dies at age 25.

This song is called konayuki by remioromen. Enjoy the MV and your time while you are at it.

I once made a promise to myself to give everything I have not experienced or receive from my parents to my family, friends and loved ones. This MV just reminded me how warm a family's love can get despite its harsh predictment. You do not know what you have till you lost it. I can't wait to grow up.

Have you live your life to the fullest today?

Condolences

2006-10-02T00:28:00.000-04:00

Just a few mins ago I heard one of my friends mom passed away, who ended her struggle with her disease and found her place with the Lord.

I kinda know how disturbing this can be for anyone, since I lost my mom the same way 12 years ago. But being more attached to her mom than I am, I can only imagine that the grieve will be several more times that of mine.

So Big E, please do not keep any of your unhappiness bottled inside. Just have to think that your mom has found a better place to stay eternally. And shes always looking down on you, watching you over your shoulders. For your love for her only keeps her alive within yourself, where memories are best kept.

I sincerely hope for the best in time to come. Hope the grieving process will in time fade away, and to move on with your marvellous life. We all do.

God bless you, and take care.

For those who still hasnt found time to appreciate the people around you, isnt it the time to do so?

Precious Time

2006-09-30T17:33:00.000-04:00

Just watched the first episode of "One liter of tears" courtesy from one of my freshman. Excellent show, reminds me of the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" that gives us many inspirational thoughts of why we should live life to the fullest.

There are many things that we take for granted such as your health, the material things that you have, the people around you, ..... , your time remaining on this surface. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but on the contrary to give thanks for the many things that I already have or once had in my short span of life. But on any given day if I ever depart, will I regret the things that I should have done or not have done? I guess I would. I guess anyone would. There are many things we think we need to do or achieve, when in fact that on this mindless chase we lose sight on things that matter the most, like your family, friends, and people who genuinely care for you, or your health. The fact that I will regret because I am in midst of the mindless chase as well. I know that if ever something fail on me, I will immediately regret not spending time on my failure.

Will I ever get out of this race? I might never know. But I know that I am here to give thanks for the many good things in my life. Even if my life doesnt match the luxurious lives of others, I do not care. I always know my limits and if I have it, thats good; if not, so be it.

命里有实终须有，命里无实末强求。

Take a moment and give thanks to the many things that you have. Life isn't as bleak as you think it exist to be. Over the summer I did learn alot, especially about my friends and people who really matter to me. Thanks. Even though I am in States for an unknown period of time, I will return eventually to repay my gratitude to you all.

I thank the Lord for His continual gifts to me. Each day. Every moment.

On a side line, I do wish to learn not to procrastinate on things. Hahaha super ironic! And random! But that's me, hahaha hope to change fer the better!

Exams be Damned!

2006-09-27T20:15:00.000-04:00

The weekly exams are a pain to me, especially when my timetable builds around it to get the chapters covered. Here I am, on the eve of my A207 exam, bitching away on my blog and getting nothing done. Kinda fedup with this vicious cycle. And the best part? After I'm done, I got a graded project that I have no interest to do up for completion and 3 exams the following week! .... Gosh I need a drink (maybe a smoke) this coming weekend...

I seriously think that the school needs to reconsider about giving exams.... how about weekly quiz? At least that serves the purpose of assessing a student's understanding. Not a good plan for the buddha leg-huggers thou... Don't mind me of my language. Sooner or later I will convert this blog to chinese to better express myself!

Nuff of bitching, back to work!

Business School Induction

2006-09-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

Expectations

2006-09-22T00:11:00.000-04:00

Geez its been like what, 2 weeks since I blogged? Guess time is just flashing by me, cos I swear I remember that yest was only the start of the week. It seem to me that the longer I stay in IU, the shorter the semester gets. How so? Thanks to the great courses that I am taking, I have a exam EVERY WEEK that started from last week onwards. And its not even funny cos I thought I saw an assignment or take home exam on my Thanksgiving break. Just great.

I recall from what my sis told me about how I only blog when I am not feeling happy i.e. sad, frustrated etc. Today seems to be one of those days. Somehow I need someone to slap some sense into me about expectations. Expectations: I do not like anyone to expect anything out from me because it seems to add burden to my shoulders, and something that I tell myself not to have on others because I keep getting disappointed. So much fer my own expectations. I like the carefree element in my life, and learn to embrace it over the summer. I have been let down time and over again and yet each time the occasion arises, I will repeat that same mistake. Even a puppy learns not to go around peeing round the house after sharp slaps from its owner. I am worse than a dog.

Maybe its just my trusting nature. Or that I do not see the point reserving the best for myself. I do not know or choose not to know. But whatever the case, I should think that my conscience is clear of the things I do. Hopefully the things are done with some processing over my grey matter, or whatever thats in between my ears.

So school's a bitch. I do not wish to even think about it. I just cannot go back to the same studying pattern that I have last year. Summer 2006 really made an impact in me. There are always more important things to do than to study, even if its my primary purpose here. So much for losing my focus. And confidence. Sigh... do not even wish to think about it. Everything will fall in place in time to come. I just need to savour every moment.

Procrasination. It always easy to say "I will do that soon". It comes so naturally to me that it becomes a really irritating habit. Some things don't change huh. Since Fall 2005 been blogging about it, now still talking about it. *grumble* Cannot seem to get things done lately. I wonder if its the lost of focus that is troubling me. Need to find the root of that problem soon before I am left behind.

What made matters worse is that I developed this terrible cough+sorethroat that seems to pass on to the rest of the people I hang out with. hahaha not proud to say that but it happens at times... well I just need to recover from it before I cough my lungs out. Getting out of bed at 3plus am in the morning coughing like a dying paitent aint fun at all. Need more pi pa gao! Get it tml! *jots down on neverending list of to-get items*

Fall is here~ time to take some photos! In fact, I do have some to share! Don't think I look good in them though, must have put on weight or something... hmm go gym tml~ muahaha

Updates in gist

2006-09-10T00:14:00.000-04:00

Omg~ its been a while since I blog... But I guess I am just this procrasinator like I am as always. Now there are too much to update! Damnnnnn....

Settled my apartment! Now its liveable and nice, still lacking my mirror and clothes are strewn all over the place despite efforts to iron and hang them out. Damn I need to be more tidy! And I need to fix that broken cupboard of mine... not exactly broken, just that the hinge was not in the package when I bought it! Now I have a table wif a cupboard door sitting inside an empty space. Oh well, guess that have to wait too. Trying to take photos to upload them, guess I am really getting lazy to do anything except to read and laze ard! Ha, so much fer student life!

Got back into the studying world. Gosh its so weird to hit the books after such an eventful summer! Still have the tendency to think about having fun and not wanting to look ahead for the things that I need to prep/think about. 101 things weigh down my head and I choose to look away. Excellent job Michael~ pat on shoulder! Honors classes are no fun at all... the teachers put up front that we are learning more than "junior varsity" cirriculum and it will be coming down hard on us to prep/think/study and force us to expect everything that he has talked about. Well that is fer my technology class... and I am one big IT idiot who cannot figure out how HTML works. Great choice Michael, outdone myself once again. The bigger mistake comes from my choice of taking a music class... I mean WTF?!? Michael and music never go in line with each other! I mean seriously, if you look at the syllabus, you would know that this course is for someone who have music experience or at least know how to listen/appreciate music. Me? I think Boo describe what will be called as.... tone deaf.... haha I'm so screwed.

Apart from that, there is wonderful SSA to handle and internships to find. I mean, how much more can my day stretches? One day my fren showed me the resumes of those who entered the Investment Banking Workshop at literally guarantees a job in that field. But I am staring at super high GPAs, near-impossible honors achievements, heavy-weight appointments that these guys juggle ( I swear they have 48 hrs in a workday) and best of all, the confidence to pull it all off. I mean seriously, I can just print out their resumes and admire all day cos I am not that intelligent/hardworking/zealous to achieve all that, or for that matter half of that! That pretty made an all-low mood for me that day.

So much for work, few things that came to my attention over the span of these weeks that I have not blogged. None of them pleasing watsoever. What a bad start for my chain of semesters! Think I need to ponder more about what is to come. Sigh... so much to do, so little time, so little effort put in. Haha...

I need to learn to look at the brighter end of the tunnel and start moving towards it. Instead of dwelling in the dark realms of my life. Pretty grim, but life as a student is bitter-sweet. Looking forward to winter break already. Haha thats like Dec! Think I need a hug... care to spare me one?

Furniture hunting

2006-08-18T11:11:00.000-04:00

I am moving to a new apartment... and moving from level 1 to level 6... hahaha...

Sounds a bit retarded, but hey, I get a better view, larger living space, and for the best part better reception! Not much of an upgrade though... heh. The thing is that I have been using the furniture that my fren has kindly lent me (or rather, I safekeep for him in HIS apt) and hence do not bother to get any of mine. Furthermore, my nicest roommate Charles has decided to be generous and share with me all his stuff in the apt. Thus that doesnt gimme any reason watsoever to get anything.

And now I have to suffer for it...

Hunting for furniture isnt fun at all... and as a student, having limited budget to go around, I have to search high and low just to find the wanted pieces for what I will be calling home for the next academic year. And I have not found a single piece yet...

This also has gotta blame me for not having the foresight to get what I needed during the end of spring this year, where everyone is dumping theirs for less than expected prices. I always tell myself that I do not have the place to store. Well, I think back now and its utter nonsense. Theres always space to store stuff, just whether I want to find or not.

And now, I need to salvage watever I can find. Sigh sounds damn pathetic. But its all part of the college experience rite? Just trying to make myself feel better... excuse me while I wallow in my own self pity and search for more furniture...

Bloomington

2006-08-16T00:24:00.000-04:00

Yeap and so I am back. Back to my reality. To come back and suffer the torturous pace of studying, to be totally free, to miss and be missed. Yup, its my life and I'm lovin' it! Over this summer there are several regrets that I will think about it, and sigh to myself saying "I should have...". But you know, I did many fun things in this period that I know will impact me in the near future. Moreover, I attended one of life's lectures during this time that changed my perspective totally. Many reflections and thoughts that I have gathered, but think I shant share. Not that I am selfish, but I dun really see the need to do so since its my thoughts, so it shouldn't bother anyone about it.

Now I am attending to the freshies in Bloomington. Frankly as the new president, I gotta say this; Boo, dunno how you did it but you manage to do such a fine job! The help that she rendered really made an impact to me, I wonder did I ever help anyone at all... haha... But anyway this year's intake is kinda mixed to me. Got Indo, Thai, Taiwanese and of cos, Sporeans. But its the diversity that I think makes us unique.

Starting to miss the last month of my time in Spore. Its just so damn fun! I miss dancing alot!!! Arrghh to chiong here is so different in Spore and Bloomingoton. Hope it gets more happening in Bloomington...

Cant keep my eyes open... tiredZ.

MICHAEL

2006-08-04T03:44:00.000-04:00

And so my friend decided to find the meaning of my name on the web. Here's the results! Presenting.... Michael!

I like the sound to it~ haha

Sit back and relax

2006-08-04T01:49:00.000-04:00

So I watched "click" that was opened on Thur and it starred the ever hot Kate Beckinsale and the funny Adam Sandler. The show started out funny, and had a happy ending (whats new?) But its the msg behind it that intrigues me.

People like us (or rather, maybe its just me) have such a fast paced life where we want everything to be under our control. There are some (just take it that its only me) who have time management issues and prioritizing things that matter to us. And again, social norms come into play here where theres this neverending pursuit for the material goods that we deemed as our success in life. In this blind pursuit, we tend to neglect the things that truly matter to us the most, that are constantly around us and we taking them for granted. After all, aint the best things in life are free? Who gives a shit if there are already there?

Then again, life is damn unpredictable. Good things may be here in your life, but usually they do not last. Do not expect your beautiful girlfriend or wife to be always beautiful and the looker that attracted you (unless you sent them for extreme botox or watever shit, you get a freak!) in the first place. At one moment you maybe basking in your life successes, next Life does a stunter on you and you wish you were never born. Just like my life this summer, thats a perfect example.

So social norms told you that achieving your partner status within the company and getting fanciful toy cars, or lavishing your gf/wife with expensive goods tells the whole world of your achievements/ successes. In that pursuit, you may have someone/something that you neglected. Health, family, friends, relationship with the Lord... these are the likely things that you are willing to give up during that pursuit. If you make the pursuit the center of your life, you are destined to give up one of the above mentioned. Just like Mitch Albom, the writer of Tuesdays with Morrie. Isn't his pursuit for a bigger paycheck that costed him his lost time with his mentor and traded his dreams in the end?

So sit back and relax. While walking back home from walk, look up and view the stars. Admire the creation of God, breathe in clean air, be healthy. In the mindless chase, we neglect these things in life that may mean so much more than our aim to succeed. Spend time with your family, spend time more meaningfully. Then again, this is subjective to each individual.

In the show, Adam Sandler neglected his family and his health when he wanted just to see the end results of his work. Skipping chapters of his life, he missed out phases of his children growing up. In the end, he lost his love. Time. 24 hrs a day, 60 mins each hr. It boils down to what you prioritize within yourself that affects the distribution. And life aint always about you. Your time needs to fit in with your loved ones, your schedule with work and a thousand other mandune little things that calls for your attention. Aint life a bitch? Haha...

Ultimately, you need to choose. You have the choice; what makes up the center of your life? The Lord? Your family? Or your work?

Adam Sandler died in his dreams, when he had it all, only to realize the things that he lost around him. What can he bring when he meets the Lord? What has he experienced during his entire life? He can't bring any of his successes to the Lord cos He is not interested, and he din experience the love from his family during his time on earth. You may think that this does not happen to you. But ever wonder to yourself that "I should have done this..."? This is call regret. Regret that you did not spend your time wisely and effectively. Adam Sandler called out to his son, grasped it and said,"Family comes first." Do you foresee yourself doing that?

So sit back and relax. Enjoy the gifts from God and your relationship with Him. Next time if you see me stop and look up to admire the clouds, do join me.

Tuesdays with me

2006-08-01T23:32:00.000-04:00

Tuesdays. An obscure day after monday, how boring can it get?

Not for someone who has plenty of time at hand and absolutely no mood watsoever to fulfill his responsibilities. I went Sentosa! Haha... was really great fun walking around and viewing all those attractions. And its not that expensive compared to the viewing gallery of Statute of Liberty or Empire State Building in NYC. Well at least I spend my whole afternoon there having loads of fun. Plus I had great company too! =D

A must-see would definitely be the musical fountain at Sentosa. Great light shows and music, with occasional spewing jets of flame to wow the crowd. The atmosphere there was great, everyone should check it out after sun tanning at the beach or something.

Pity I missed out the ski ride and the evening at km8. Heard great reviews of it, with the atmosphere and all that jazz. Think I will hit to that beach pub someday before I leave. Lazy breeze, cocktail at hand, star-gazing, talking to friends... my kind of relax!

Nothing to do? Feeling lazy? Go to Sentosa! (Sounds like a cliche haha)

Theres so much to do in Singapore! Just dun wanna go back to study so quickly... [pure laziness]

Move on

2006-07-30T13:40:00.000-04:00

Not much of a goodbye to her, esp when shes crowded with her friends. I can feel strange stares and not-so-friendly looks from her friends, but what the heck, I don't care. What's happened is between me and her, who is in the position to talk about it? But I guess its one of the many problems with too many friends around you, you just cannot keep track with all of them.

Nothing teary, just a tight constriction around the chest. It did not subside, not even when I am typing this blog. It seems that whatever happened this summer kept replaying in my head, even when I try to pull the plug on myself. Ah well, a little drink would do the trick... I hope. All my thoughts, my emotions are stuck at this hourglass that has too small a filter, so much so that little by little memories trickle past me. And my mind decides to turn the hourglass automatically to repeat everything. Great. Sleepless night again.

I think I have done what I can, and what I supposed to do. Giving her morale support, advice, etc. But there is so much I can do. She's on her own now. *shrugh shoulders* I pray hope things turn out fine for her.

Me? As I lie on my bed, the urge to eat comes along. Thinking is a strenuous business, and of cos the urge for re-fuel comes along. kidding. No mood to do whatsoever. Maybe get some sleep and hope things go right for me the next day. So much planned out, so little time left. Looking at her made me think of the things I need to do, and not in a hurry. Well... I am still the procrasinator that I know. Hope its not too rush to do everything I need to settle. Second, I am going to the airport alone. No one else except Boss, who better be on that flight or else xiao mei will kill me! haha... No teary goodbyes, or leaving this place with regret. I have lived well this summer and there will always be the place and time for me to do that again.

Maybe I dun have to worry too much about friends coming. After all, this is my second time leaving. Even if its for a long time, who cares? I dun care myself, why should anyone? Anyway, I've got less than 2 weeks left. Time to do everything else! Things to do, learn, people to meet and issues to settle. When I get back, I move on. New life, new motivation, everything new. Sweet~ I like the smell of it! Plans to make when I get back, things to do and people to meet in Indiana. But I guess somewhere obscure in my heart, there's you. Hidden within the cracks of my memory are my feelings for you. Think that should suffice.

Time to grow up Keng Soon.

There are a trillion things that await you ahead in your life. Am I going to brave them all with my current indifferent attitude? Sounds too tempting to fall into your own comfort zone, but that's enough for now. I move on from now.

Thanks to you, Angel. I learnt alot through this summer, more than I can ever learn in a full school term. You are a great source of comfort and encouragement. God bless you Angel.

Leaving on a jet plane

2006-07-27T13:06:00.000-04:00

And so... you decided to leave. Well your decision caught me really unprepared; cos there always seem to be alot to tell you but each time I see you, I just wanna listen to what you have to say, absorbing each word you are telling me. It seems like the roles are reversed; instead of you sending me on Aug 13, I am sending you off... pains me to say, but I will miss you no matter where you are.

Thanks fer squeezing out time to meet me even though you have tons of frens to meetup before you fly. I guess it will be a good chance to build up what I got to say to you and write them down on the card you demanded! haha...

I hope you are truly happy with your decision to leave and not to seek out help. But then again, this is your choice that I choose to respect. Nothing much I can do or say to change your mind rite? haha... as usual. You are sure to be one stubborn gerl! Dun end up selling your small and.... watever butt hor!

72 more hours before you fly. Have you got everything prepared? I cannot mask my worries for you. But if its for the best that you leave and all that is to be solved are solved, I honestly hope for the best. Otherwise, you better have a good time there and send that damn post card every now and then!

Do take care! Hope to see you soon in Spore or States! Deo Gracius Angel~

Betrayal

2006-07-19T02:23:00.000-04:00

Talked to Boss last nite... and as much as I hate to admit, I do not like the feeling of being stabbed in the back, especially when it comes from my close friends. I am currently reading the historical novel of Julius Caesar, where in the story he forgived his close friend Brutus for his betrayal despite pleas from his generals to execute the traitor. Brutus turned around and schemed Caesar's downfall, resulting the famous "Et tu, Brute?".

Caesar once told me, that the meaning of brotherhood is but a word that people address each other when things are going well and everyone is having fun. Once trouble comes along the way, you will see the true colors of the people around you. Thus, the great man doesnt believe in having his "bestest best friend". There is alot of truth in what he said. The length of time you know a person does not reflect the depth of understanding you have for that person.

I have always treated all of my friends with due respect and due level of trust. After all, you are taking about something that needs to be earned. I do not remember not giving my friends any lesser than they supposed to have. I do not care what others say about any other, I just based on my own judgment and experience with the person. May sound stupid, cos you ought to listen to other sources sometimes. But in the end, its up to you to put down your own opinion.

Boss did tell me about the price of seeing through a person's character. So did Caez. Sometimes you pay in monetary terms to see a person, other times in much lesser means. What pains me is the bond that is broken can never be repaired to what it is used to be. There are many mistakes I have made over my course of life. This is one of the few where I regret doing, and will never repeat again. I should not have....

No Regrets

2006-07-04T23:57:00.000-04:00

Somehow its been a while since I blog... Just kinda lazy I guess! There are so much I wanna to say but I guess they have to wait for some time later.

I have finished reading this book called Tuesdays with Morrie. It happen to be one of the best book I ever read, a definite recommendation from me! I guess in the nutshell it shows the perspective of a dying man and his thoughts about life, love and living it. In fact, I guess I will quote him on my blog if I were to read his book the next time round. There are so many lessons to draw from his last thesis.

I have been telling others that I am going through this quarter-life crisis about finding the meaning of what I am here for. Dun luff, it happens to everyone and anyone. This summer allows me to do some growing up, some thinking, and loads of fun-filled activities. But I guess I attribute what I have learnt from 2 person: Caesar and Neale. Without them, I guess I will still be lost as ever. At least I see a light to the end of the tunnel, taking comfort that there will always be that light there.

However, both great men have different schools of thoughts. I guess what they have to offer are built from their different life experiences. Caesar, for one, have gone through a path only the strongest can survive. Yet he draws his motivation from within, and take heart that only he can solve them. He does not expect, and have seen a great deal more than what I have been through. Of betrayal, of lost love, of anger. Somehow I wish I have his intellect and courage to forage through what I think I will be going through in time to come. To manage issues that envolope us in this cruel society. I wish I have your strength bro...

Neale, on other, teaches me on the missing piece of the jigsaw that is supposed to hold the other segments of my life. He was my original cell group leader, and he is always willing to share his learning from the bible and apply it to my day-to-day problems. I have much to learn from this teacher. Basically he questions me of my spiritual strength when we went out fer dinner one day. I told him, I'm lost; please guide me. And he paitently taught me. I feel that its these great company that I will miss alot when I get back to States. My friends, a great jigsaw puzzle in my life.

Fusing both teachings, I got my answer that I longed to seek. I will not share it here cos there will be others who disagree. Its not I am afraid how others look at me, I dun care. But its just respect for the 2 men who gave me their knowledge unreservely. Furthermore, I will need to execute them in order to say that I have "ran my best, ran the distance, and kept the faith". Words dun really matter in this case. I have alot to thank for, since I have been blessed with such good friends.

I am supposed to write this blog 10 days back. About living without regrets. I have done loads of silly things during this summer, experiencing life and testing my limits. Its really a learning trip back to Singapore. I have found men that I can look up to for guidance when I falter and reconfirmed many friendships that I tot was lost. Now, I know what I want.

Since the last time I blogged, I have done things I only think of doing. Scuba diving and rock climbing and hmm.... oh well there is no need to know so much. It will be a month before I am going back, just hate to leave this place now that I think of it. So much to do! Scuba diving again will be nice! Plus to go and learn my intermediate courses. Theres just a full list of undone stuff. But I am satisfied, life is good to me and I will leave without regrets that good things do happen to me. Like I said, there is alot to give thanks to.

And of course, thanks to you both Caesar and Neale. You did make an impact in my life.

"Everyone loves to dwell in the past. Only because the past is safe and dead."

I can't remember to forget you

2006-06-29T23:17:00.000-04:00

This phrase was coined by one of my most brilliant fren Caez... an amazing guy, hope to meet up with him soon! Somehow this phrase kept surfacing my mind these days when I am alone, when I am happy, and when I go by certain places. Memories, whether good or bad, cannot be simply forgotten. Try hard as you may to forgo them, they will dwell in some dark realm of your busy mind waiting to float up at the slightest hint of loneliness. You cannot hasten the process, no matter how determined you are. They just stay there, be it if you have goldfish memory, or you think you can occupy your life with activities. They can be a source of pain, or a fountain of happiness each time you recall.

Of late, the memories of my secondary school life kept flashing by. It was then I realised that I lost touch with alot of my secondary school frens. Many have moved on with their hectic lives, may it good or bad. As I look at many of my frens who are progessing to their final stages of education and starting to worry about their future, it kept me thinking whether they are simply moving on to another stage or do they look towards it as a passion that they took up during their education period. Did they make the right choice to pursue what they intend to do in their later lives, or simply just getting over and done with?

Maybe I just think too much. CH says so too. I will describe it as the "reluctant thinker", where you cannot stop yourself from thinking, pondering, probbing, discovering, wathaveyou. Our brains simply function as a separate entity, despite exhausting your body already. You want it to stop, it simply can't. More like its on 24hr supply of redbull or something. I need a total shutdown of that unit soon. Logos is failing me these days, being overrided by pathos.

Sometimes talking to frens make me realise that I am missing out alot in life. To see things in a different light and to see opportunities in life. Of ambition, of goals, of aims. That's right, I definitely look forward and do not live fer the moment. I simply can't. On my back I am burdened by my own expectations, of dreams, hopes and aspirations. Sometimes I wish to slow down, to look around and enjoy life as I know it. I need an anchor, sometimes to weigh me down, or an alarm clock to wake me up from the endless pursuit.

Yesterday I met up wif Neale, to seek fer spiritual advice for my condemned soul. I am so lost in the mindless pursuit that I lost a huge part of myself, darkened by the circumstances that I stood in. He didn't offer any, because I did not ask. There is a part of me not wanting to burden this busy fren of mine; yet I know he can and will offer the help I longed for. A guiding light. A destination to the beeline that I am making on the map. I did told him what was troubling me these few years, and he chose not to bring them up. From his eyes, he was giving me temporary relief of the troubled world that I exist in. We just talked everything under the sun, from scuba all the way to update of frens. He made me realise I have one thing: choices and open doors. In fact I realised that I do have many opened doors. People who are geniunely wanting to guide me, and not under false light. I, for one, am born not to suspect the intentions of other people. Gullible as I might be, it is a gift to me. It made life more simple and the way of life I choose to live in, contrary from the society that I live in. This way I differ true frens from hi-bye ones, of people who are true in the heart. Its hard to find them nowadays I must add...

Still, Neale made me see that I do have choices. Not running up the wall or facing a dead end. Though the choices are not brilliant and may seem vague, it shows me an alternative instead of the well that I dwell in. "Never close an opened door, let alone let it close by itself" I guess that sums up what I need to hear. Its simply amazing to hear an older, more experienced man talking about his life, his passion and his experiences. That is something I can look up to.

The weekend... almost can smell it! What shall I do? Frantic shopping is draining me, physically, mentally and in monetary terms. Haha I should learn to save! Erm sorry CH takes a while to learn that! =D Recovering from my flu, thanks pple! Trying to abstain from alcohol and cig, not doing good to my throat. Oh yeahhhh.... and of chocolate buffet! Yum! When will it be ah? =D

Warning: Extended Weekend Ahead

2006-06-27T13:28:00.000-04:00

Ah yes... Brazil's on the run! Love to see that team carry the World Cup Trophy than any other self-deserving country. Though the other teams sure to work hard during the matches, I only see (and temporay blinded) the potential in the South-amercian country that gathers so many talents in one single team. Not that I am a great fan of football; in fact I think its rather stupid to have 22 guys chasing a ball. I am a non-sports fan who just appreciates the season of fanatic matches in this summer. Go Brazil!

Came back from scuba training and was dead tired. Not the training that killed me, its the 7km run in the morning and my bloody throat. I swear my kneecap is going the opposite direction soon enough and I swear (again) to get that bloody running shoes and knee guard soon! Arrgghh.... its been a while since I did this amount of running. Maybe its the runner's high that my fren talk about in camp after that fateful run. When you do more than 5km, you will feel this rush of adrenaline that flows through your entire body so much so that when you want to stop, you can't cos you just feel that you can follow the motion and keep up the pace for miles ahead. Only when you stop that you feel the fatigue. Well its my knees that reminded me to check my watch; otherwise I think its pretty much a joy to continue the crazy run.

I am officially falling sick. Damnit just when I am getting ready to start my actual holiday. It really suck and I think I better see a doc soon. Yeah rite, like I will! Maybe I will just stay home and rest or something... that throat is irritating the hell out of me! Hope I recover soon... taking the traditional medicine to cure myself. I realize that its not only myself who is sick; my brother came back from BMT and was sleeping on his bed when I came back. Hope he din chao keng cos he misses his bed. I wouldn't think that is an appropriate behavior for a recruit. But then again, I believe it must be the weather in Singapore (hot and cold at the same time). Nothing much we can do about it except... drink more water.

Recuperate

2006-06-25T11:20:00.000-04:00

I had officially too much fun this past week. Need to go under detox fer a while and gather my thoughts. This coming week will be hectic I presume, with scuba training in progess and stuff going on, hope to gain some sleep too! After all, I am about to have permanent eye bags. (That is not pretty fer a metrosexual like myself)

Today I did something pretty interesting: taking the magnetic field of myself using some special camera. The colors denote how you are feeling at the moment, and what is your body condition. Mine's pretty dull in color (not a good sign) cos it shows I am weary from something. But interestingly, the color on my head is green, which means something about my thinking is changing. Well that is definitely true, since I have been through some experience that jump-start the changes. Its fer the better I should presume. Hopefully there will be more positive changes on the way that I will like to see.

Poor KX! Got water retention oso need to accompany me to go out and shop... Hope you feeling better and your bad week to pass quickly! Thanks fer the company, I'm sure you enjoyed mine! hahaha...

Still got more shopping to do before the sale ends! Woohooo~ and its off to diving! Meanwhile, still got to go camp... sigh~ july 22nd pls arrive quickly! Tamade....

Awesome Weekend

2006-06-24T23:54:00.000-04:00

Tiring tiring tiring tiring day!!!

It seems that I cannot adjust to my funny sleeping schedule. Been sleeping damn late [note: I usually sleep early got rem, I got army?] like 3 or 4am, going out wif Boss and eating like there's no tmw. Pls can someone stop him from ordering so much?? Hahaha not complaining though, food's good! Except I need to runnnnn moreeeeee.... Den comes the next part: I can't seem to get enuff sleep! It seems that I have more sleep during my final exams last sem than here in Singapore. Oh well, I've got limited time anyway...

I have booked my flight! Oh and its high time to leave this sad country... back to the laid-back college town and get bored with studying, having nothing to do and loads of travelling! Oh yea and I am back with a vengenace... I am going to snap up all the premium liquor and sample them... and who can forget my new-found lurveee Jose Cuervo 1800 Anejo! Simply love it! Thanks bro fer the intro! Seems like I have become quite an alcoholic this trip back, think it runs in the blood esp from my dad onwards.

Happy Belated Birthday Boo!!! Sorry I know I am darn late... well at least the party's cool! Haha... got to be re-introduced to the seniors whom I forgotten half of them! Opppssss.... sorry its all that goldfish memory I've got. And yeap IU pple who are in Singapore, its MOS on Saturday!!! Party like theres no tmw~ well I am good at that! Sorry xiao mei, will make that up to you when I get back!

Oh the weekend's just flashed past me! Even when I've got an extended one (since wed nite) but its never enuff! Oh man and my scuba training is on... pool dive and theory... can't wait fer the dive! Absolute serenity down below. Away from the reality where everything I see is true to me, in its most natural state. And maybe a few bikini babes hopefully. Oppss... a guy always needs his eye candy, we are visual animals so you can't blame me fer being one.

Thanks to Jeff, Ping and Tai tai! OMG the last session was FANTASTIC!!! Hey wait till I get back from scuba yea? We shall go back again~ and fer our informal bitching/self-realization session. That was a good one! And you guys are really comforting siah~ hahaha...

Lazy Sunday. Gym or to shop? Hmm... both sounds enticing to me! Slacking sounds cool too... oh yea I need to get something intelligent to read. Thanks to Avtar, I finish one good book about gladiators. Think I should get more... feeling a little stoopid these days. Maybe its the alcohol/cigarettes that is killing my cells these days. Oh well I am not complaining, at least I understand why you need both at a go. Such complementing products!

[Grumble] ok need to get out of bed to find foodddd....

You're beautiful

2006-06-21T22:25:00.000-04:00

My life is
brilliant.

My life is brilliant
My love is
pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She
smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause
I've got a plan.

You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's
true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I
don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be
with you.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked
on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking
high,
And I don't think that I'll see her
again,
But we shared a moment that will last 'till the
end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in
a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're
beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she
thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to
face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Dedicated to the gerl who draws a fine line between persistent and consistent (your 5 Cs), who wants her
freedom and loneliness confined within herself, who is struggling in her own world of darkness and not
seeing the light that others shine upon her. I wish you can recover and know how to love again. And if I
appear to be childish to you, maybe you are right. I am. Thanks fer the wakeup call you are sending me,
even though I wish that call is given by someone else. I see that you have someone else in your life, which
confirmed my redundancy to you. What you said to me is true, I am a fool, someone pure silly to you. And
I am laughing at my silliness to myself despite many reassurances. Whatever and however you say you are,
and no matter how deluded I am, you are still the angel in the song, and I hope you can smile as brilliantly
and happily without hesitation. Life is much simpler than you thought, and so is loving someone. But I
guess no words from a fool ever matters, so I shall keep to that. Till we meet again, take care.

So Dark the Con of *man

2006-06-18T00:03:00.000-04:00

This phrase has been in my head since I re-read the Da Vinci Code back home in anticipation fer the movie. So dark the con of man... applies to the deception of the Christian Church when they decided to hide the actual historical importance of Mary to make Jesus divine. Such deception runs deep within the society... till today, but of varying scale with regards to each individual. I have not come across a person who does not tell at least one white lie, or some other particular individuals whose deceit run so deep that I shiver upon recollection of it. And sometimes the truth just hurt upon the discovery of such deceit, and wishing that you have not discovered it in the first place.

I am but a simple guy, if many of you have not realize this small fact. If you dun, dun bother reading this entry. I personally know that some people likes to exploit this side of me, as I will call it my "soft spot". Sometimes I let myself to be willingly exploited, thinking that its alrite. Other times, I just really can't be bothered to think so much and setting my mind on auto pilot. But I seriously hope its all in good fun that you all are doing that onto me. No malice intended. But I fear it may not always be the case.... Sometimes I will find out whats going on when I am awake, other times when good people around me could no longer hold their anger that I am such a fool and kick me awake. Any case, when I trace the lines of deceit to its very end, it pains me that the people I care so much can do devastating harm onto me. Even when I try to reason to myself for their actions, logic fails me and emotions take over. I can feel so much pain at one time... and question why such deceit can happen to me.

Sometimes I just do not want to live in this world. The deceit that envelopes it darkens the world, and some people can work their magic so as to achieve the maximum benefits from another person while letting them suffer in agony and disbelief. The person may turn into desperation and do the same thing onto other persons, or simply disintegrate their beautiful facade of the world around them. Lying around to rot, letting past demons to swallow them whole. Sounds grim? Sure do. Thats what the society is all about. I rem once when I ask a friend about trust, and she told me not to believe a person and give them 100% trust even when they are your bestest best friend. Trust is given slowly, but never 100%... leaving space for doubts. I disagree this theory, but its not my place to judge. I always give in my 100% in any friendship, because I will like others to give me the same. It is mutual respect, I believe. But I can be so naive at times....

Thinking back, I wish I can agree with your thinking. Your words struck me at this moment. I wish to discuss more about this with you, so that I can hear my own justifications. Sometimes I can be so jaded that I think the con of anyone around me is just to test me and cut me down, making me weak and slow my pace in life. So that I will walk cautiously and consistently in doubt about anyone around me. How tiring this kind of life gets! To talk to another without thinking every smile flash at me is genuine or not; every action that is taken with an ulterior motive; every twinkle of the eye that may be the spark of a chain of deceit that is to come. I am utterly sick of such pretenious behaviors around me. But what can I do? Tell them off? Some people are born to do that, or will not change even if I was to shake them hard. Such dilemma. I wish God can grant me judgment of souls, separate true from false, genuine from pretenious. But its never my place to judge.

I just wish things can be simple. Its too much work for my small brain, weak heart and soft emotions. I cant take this any longer. Let me off the hook. Work your deceit on others.

Diary of a lonely guy

2006-06-16T09:18:00.000-04:00

Dead boring Friday! Got out of camp on thursday and decided not to go back to report the next day, half expecting my boss will gimme a call to ask where I am since I din see him fer quite some time. Nope. Nothing heard out. Well thank goodness fer that! haha otherwise I would have to lie to him, not a nice thing to do since he treats me well in camp. So basically I just laze around and only step out to have lunch with my dad. Oh yeah Father's Day on sunday... but i'm booked so dun really bother. He din do much either... My brother's sweet though, got a card fer him. Hmm what should I give him? Nothing I know he needs...

So I was lying on bed, reading as usual, and half reflecting what I was doing the past few days. After tuesday, I have a sudden urge to fulfill what I came back fer: to meet all my friends. Made a few calls to my army friends and ask what they are up to. Not many knew I am back, or rather I chose not to tell. What's the point? Most of them will end up asking how's life in States, what is it like there, etc. To me, its not really that important. They make me feel like I am the unique one, the rich kid who can afford the overpriced education and experience the life that many would ask fer. I am never ungrateful fer the opportunity to travel overseas and experience the life over there. But in fact, I often ask myself what will life be like if I were to be in Singapore, to study in NTU and be a "normal" guy going through his "normal" phrase of life. But some may say, the grass is always greener on the other side. I rest my case.

So Wed I met up with my friends from OCS who really regarded me as their section mates. I realized that I should have put in more effort in my training while I was in it. But no point sobbing over spilled milk, I learnt that through hard lessons about that. Pity the rest can't make it, except fer Avtar and John. Always like to converse with Avtar, even though he may look fierce and cold and all. But this facade is just a message to others not to mess around with him; he's one of the most caring friends I ever had in my army life. We always talk about everything under the sun, so much so I lack sleep the next day during training. Funny, but I always thought that it was under the harshest training that I love about the army. So much fer being a sadist, but its the team effort that always spur me to go on. About suffering together with your brother-in-arms, having fun etc. So we ended up talking about what I missed while I remained in OTW and their current busy life. Just realized that I am the only guy that continue to study, even though there is a much smarter guy in my section who was offered a place during his time. Pity his family can't afford the education. Wish I could help.

So Avtar is in rooftop garden landscaping while John is in NTU life science lab working. Not bad fer a start. I dare not ask about their plans in life. Not that I think they do not have one, but I am afraid to say out mine. Sometimes I think that my dreams are so lofty, so unatainable, unachievable. I always scold my dad fer being to optimistic in life, and splash cold water on him as a wakeup call. Guess sometimes someone needs to bring me down to earth. I'm just nobody. A number in the statistic. Someone random. Always the case, never valued to someone. Sigh so much fer inferiority complex. These 2 guys really care fer me during my downfall, really appreciate their concern. Sometimes my eyes are tinted to see only my own dismay, my shortfall and any discrepancies such that there are many who really do give a damn about me that are oblivion to me. But never a day am I ungrateful fer them, as I live by my dad's philisophy of frens: treat those who treat me well better. Always be around fer your friends. Such a rare trait that is displayed nowadays. Not that I could fully live up to them myself though...

Thursday! Met my 2 lovely teammates from poly fer a dinner and drink. Went down to Thai Express (not bad, better than btown!!) and Alley Bar. Pop by to Acid and got caught by the waitress over there who demanded me to stay and open a bottle... haha do I look like a hardcore drinker? heh well hope not! I still got a good-boy image (yea rite) to keep... otherwise where got auntie will like me *smiles* Elaine and Phyllis got much a celebrate about: Elaine as usual is the achiever who always have her fair share of fun (sometimes I think more) while Phyl is the gerl that I slowly cant recognize. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I always feel that a person changes due to environment, but that will have to be due to long-term effects on them before the change can take effect. Or something tramatic that happens to a person that results a certain switch in character. Otherwise our characters are pretty much being determined by our own self and upbringing. I am in no position to say if the change is fer the better, or worse. Cos I am undergoing some changes as well that I can't tell if its good or not. But based on what I know, Phyl changed so much since poly. May it be her time during JAL, or her being close to Elaine, I cant tell. She aint the demure gerl who cares alot that I knew during poly. Well it saddens me to see such drastic change, and fer reasons I cant ascertain. But I do hope shes happy with the change.

Drink, drink, more drinks. Sigh I need to stay away from these gerls, esp tonite when I meet them at MOS. Heard Phyl opening bottle, and I'm the only guy in the pack tonite. Need to stay sober... but not when Elaine wants to play drinking games! Shes just too damn good with it! UNbeatable! I calculated the rate of drinking when I play the games at 5:1... me drinking 5 times what she drinks. Haha ok I suck. And my reaction gets slower when I drink more. Elaine's gerlfren is back from Melb as well. Elaine's giving her the hype about me so much so that I wish to grab over the fone and tell her that I'm short, stubby and not attractive one single bit. Haha so much fer self confidence. Guess that works only when I feel like it. Not interested watsoever rite now. I better watch over Phyl tonite... I guess shes really out to drink and get drunk tonite. Nothing beats a gerl whos got problems and refuse to share them, except to abuse herself through heavy drinking and chain-smoking. Well shes got a load of frens like me and elaine to depend on, not that she doesnt know about that. The root of her problem cant just be solved by us though. Sigh. Is it really that important?

Anyway better get dressed. If I'm late I will get killed by Elaine fer missing her fav tracks. Adios amigos...

She will be loved

2006-06-10T00:38:00.000-04:00

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Trust

2006-06-09T23:36:00.000-04:00

Trust is something hard to gain, and very easy to lose. The fragile nature of it makes people thread cautiously around it, sometimes stepping inwards to see if the ground gives way just to test how strong it can go; and sometimes it crumbles under your weight, while if it doesn't, you got a new threshold.

Maybe cos I put on a few pounds over these few weeks over my ice cream frenzy, i accidentally stepped inwards and i fell right through. I breach the trust.

As you fall, you just literally go down a slippery slope with unless negative possibilities. And its a mental stress that you can acutely feel if you ever treasure the trust that you have breached.

Excuses flood in first, telling yourself that everything's to be blamed except yourself. There is no circumstance that you can't break that trust, because of no.1 no.2 no.3 ... conditions. After which comes self-actualization. You ponder another few thousand possibilities of how you are involved in this i.e. should i step in just a little? or if i wasn't there at all will it happen? questions hit past you like a searing bullet. you know subconsciously you are very much at fault but still denying it. Next up comes the self-blame stage. You are without a doubt totally, absolutely, 100% positively at fault. Lastly the finale: guilt.

Guilt grasps you so hard that you feel ths pair of invisible hands grabbing you inside your chest. The choking feeling goes all the way up to your neck, rendering you breathless each time you think about your mistake. By this stage you are past with mental stress and go down towards emotional fatigue. Each time any of the above mental stages occur, you go straight back to guilt. Each time the same pain surges up, knocking you out cold. By the time I am typing this, I would have been hit at least a thousand times through the night. It's senselessly painful, but guess not at all compared to the pain it cause you.

The breach of trust maybe a thousand feet drop. But just like pandora's box, the last item that crept out of the mythical box was Hope, granting everyone that slight glimmer that one day, things may be the same. Like I said its a small speck of light, don't expect it to be some kind of soccer field flood light. Cos I don't deserve it, and none of the breachers do. Just like an angel sending a shimmer of hope from above, the person you have your trust breached can either seal the hold that you created, forever locking you inside the deep abyss of mental and emotional turmoil; or she can send down a thin fragile rope, giving you the final opportunity to slowly climb your way up a thousand feet. The climb is tedious, the climb is discouraging, and should you falter you will drop right back in, along with the rope and with your hope. The rope is thin, for if you ever try to hasten the process of climbing, it may snap and there goes your lifeline. But people still choose to climb it, desperately trying to reach out to the light and regardless the cost. Slowly.

Sometimes I can never forgive myself for the stupid, silly and immature things that I have done. Granted, I am a person with poor EQ, that is the cold hard fact. For some reason I inherited my mom's side of being sensitive. Its a double-edged sword that has cut myself deeply by hurting the one I care, and myself twice in the process cos you are hurt. Like I said, I have gone through the whole process over and over again throughout the night. The results are still the same, with guilt tearing me apart. As I lie fatigued from the process, I know you are out there. maybe you have put this matter behind the back of your head, maybe you are still mad, maybe you will not forgive me anymore. I have no control over it. But all I can say is whenever, whatever, however, I will still be waiting for your reply.

Please don't seal the hole that I have dropped from. Let me climb the rope, back to you.

Jaded

2006-06-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

These past few days have been blurry to me, with events just flying past me and hours don't even seem to exist. I had a fabulous weekend, thanks to you. There are times when I really wish to relive the moments, just a specific timeframe of a few hours and not more. But guess I can't control time and it always slips past my grasp.

"Some dances to remember, some dances to forget."

Sometimes when you expect to get out of something, you receive nothing at all. No matter how much effort you put in, no matter how much you believe in yourself or in that fictious idea up in your head, you will still derive nothing. In life, I always learn to put in, expect and receive. To give up certain things, or something else that you value. Life.... isn't about a barter trade, or a fair trade to begin with. Simple mechanics of economics do not apply here, unfortunately. God gave us varying talents and gifts, some have to-die-for looks or talents, while others... a little more subtle, like being nice to others. Of these, the society will value certain traits and characteristics, casting a faint light on others lesser important ones. And generally, they get forgotten. Unappreciated. Redundant to the moulded society.

"We are all just prisoners here, of our own device."

I have been told not to expect, to live for the moment, and learn when you can open up yourself to someone else. Sometimes I feel that I am living in an era that is not suited for my character; maybe somewhere medival will do myself justice. Of honor, glory and brotherhood. Codes that people live, abide and defend for. In the 21st century, I but play a small role in the huge network of people. For many, I walk past their lives and leaving little traces of myself. Some may recall who I am, or what stupid things I have done before and we all have a good laugh. For a small minority whom I call friends, I do hope I have tainted some of my ugly footprints in ur heart. But overall, in the vast complex network, I am but insignificant. Always am, and always will be. Never in my life have I ever feel important to someone, except to one particular person whom I obviously hurt. So much fer the special someone...

I need to go back to my simple life again. Maybe to where kwek once said, back to my secondary school days where we think simple, do stupid stuff and laugh it off. But I am not hiding in the shadows of my past, nor do I fear to advance into the unknown realms of my dark future. Somehow, I do not need to feel so much. I know everyone ard me is true to me, as we hold each other as brothers. I feel appreciated, liked, and .... happy. There are nothing to think about except where we should hold our next gathering. But theres obviously no turning back. Not now. But all I know is that I cant do this alone. Yes. I need company... someone to understand/share my pains, and enjoy the fruits at the end, with me. I am so jaded.

"Last thing I remember, I was running for the door. I had to find that passage back to the place I was before."

Having said all that, I gotta thank my dear Mom whose a little sick. Hope you are fine and lovin your life there, before you head back home and see me! Haha aint that bad, but you need to recover first! I just love my good friends! Always know I can depend on them, not that it happens often (or does it? hmm...)

There are so many things that call to my attention these days, esp when my duties start to haunt me! omg they just keep piling, with me absolutely no mood watsoever to start it! Oh well, fer my IU friends, I think its better to start reconsidering voting fer a new president cos obviously this one SUCK. I obviously need 1) 48hrs a day 2) to AWOL everyday from camp 3) just dun care at all. Kinda obviously I'm on (3) rite now. But guess when somethings gotta be done, I will do it. In the matter of time. hahaha...

Skipping RSM parade tml... Hate army, still do.... Good luck to Gene and my dear brother who is going in this Friday. Army sux.

Brotherhood

2006-05-27T13:13:00.000-04:00

Din have enuff sleep again last nite. Pop out of bed at 714am despite sleeping at 4am. Excellent. I begin to feel that I am getting more hardworking and utilizing my time efficiently. Feel like kicking myself in the head fer not getting nuff sleep; just dun seem to be able to these days. As usual, alcohol works wonders.

Almost pick a fight with my Bro last nite. I check myself in time and saw the ugly and unreasonable side of me. Instead I swing my fist at the nearest bus stop ad board. Ouch. The pain sear through my fist and is still hurting as I type this entry. But everything seems to be clear when I felt the pain. Everything. It was then I immediately apologize to him. Being with me fer more than 10 years, I guess he truly understand how I felt at that moment as I was with him at his lowest. But thats not the reason why I am typing this, but the fact that with my Bro I truly understand the meaning of friendship and sticking around fer your friend. True friends indeed care and concern, and you can trust without a single trace of doubt about their actions. They tell you everything and anything, and trust you completely. Best part of all, they are always there. To share, to care, and to be around for you. And you need just a few of these friends in your life. God has been kind; I have more than just a few of them whom I can call Bro. Thanks Bro fer stickin ard!

The physical pain on my fist serve as a wakeup call to me. Something I need to snap out of this fiasco. In the end, I am just self inflicting the pain I feel. Self torturing my tired mind and my weak emotions. And the result is that I am tormenting myself all fer nothing. I'm finally awaken. Thanks fer all your concerns these past weeks.

Today I went to meet Shuang. Like Bro, shes been around since I was primary 1. A really sweet, yet intelligent gerl whom I can share anything with. I updated her about myself fer the past 9 months that we have not met, and seek her advice. She simply ask me,"What do you want? What do you plan to achieve?" Sometimes I just got so obssessed with what others need out of me that I forget myself. Yes, I call finally hear my inner voice that I have blocked out fer so long screaming at me. And the first set of instructions was to have a good rest and sleep. Hahaha... so much fer the inner me! It was really nice to meet Shuang and have her around me. And always her advice will make crystal-clear sense to me, touching every aspect of my doubts and making me a total believer.

Thank the Lord for granting me such friends, friends like Bro and Shuang whose care is limitless. And these bonds that tied me to them are so strong, nothing will ever sever them. If anyone tries to be funny with me or them, regardless of who you are, I will strike you down so hard before you can blink. Cos I simply love them too much. And I will treasure them with all my life.

It has been a fruitful day today. I just can't wait to see the rest coming back from their vacations! There's so much to catch up and yet so little time to be together. Pity Jin and Mun cant be back, will hope to see them in Dec. And to my friends in IU, esp my extended family, I miss you guys alot and hope to see you soon!! Thanks fer all the care and love.

And miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep.

Fatigue and Choices

2006-05-23T10:13:00.000-04:00

Damn tired these few days. Can't get to sleep, no mood to do anything, fatigue straining me both physically and mentally. All these amid my stoopid disruption in army. I was discussing with this other spec who came back to serve 5 fricking mths of disruption; and concluded that brain cells do get killed as a result of inactivity. So if drinking a can of beer kills a thousand cells, and you equate that to a day in my camp, I've still got 50+ days to go. Yup I'm a more thorough idiot at the end of the day.

Like I told some close frens, I do not really have the luxury of choice fer the path I got to take in the coming months. Circumstances force me to. Somehow resigned to Fate, putting my hands in my pocket and just shake my head, taking long sighs and exclaim how pitiful I am. However I got a scolding from thousands of miles away, and a midnight pet talk to tell me that I have the ability to change my life. Choice was up to me all along. After pondering the whole night (you know im a born thinker) I would only half agree to their statements. I can change my path, but I cannot control the circumstances that I am in. Rather confusing, but if you are following, den you should know what I am talking about. But rite now, I just do not want to think at all. Cos I do not know what to expect from myself till date. Gimme some time to sort that out. Meanwhile how about some Baileys?

I have developed this super sore throat and I got this hunch that I was someone who pass on to me. Hmm... I wonder who would that be... I tink it all adds up: late nights, drinking, thinking about nonsense, more drinking, and in-camp (hey you think I do nothing in camp issit??). Guess I will be at home soon, lying on bed half dead and on serious load of medication. Just cant seem to get a fever to go see the doc and get MC leh... aye your chilli idea better work! hahaha...

Better rest now. Later end up sleeping in camp again... like its a bad thing!

Somewhere I belong

2006-05-21T08:25:00.000-04:00

I have written a blog in the past about this topic, about where I belong where I can call home. Now I just do not know anymore.

These past 2 weeks have been great. Since I touchdown in Singapore 2 weeks ago, I am going out wif this gerl. How to describe her? When I am with her, I feel that I have someone I can talk to. Someone who understands my internal plight and the bottled sorrows that I am constantly drunk in. She is a gerl with her own set of problems. And we share the personal trait of not troubling other people with our worries and problems. But when I am with her, these problems naturally go away. I feel so happy with her around and the little things that she has done fer me. And fer all that, she is not expecting any return whatsoever. How can any guy who meets such a gerl do not fall fer her?

I fell. Hard. Freefallin down the bottomless pit. On the second date I told her that I like her alot. And we begin to be estangled in this dead knot. I have been waiting fer the right one to appear fer so long, and deep down inside, I knew shes the one. She is the one who can truly understand what I am going through, and shower the comfort that I so longed for. She is the funny gerl who never fails to crack me up even in the deepest uneasiness. She is the one who buys cute stuff fer me that I treasure from the bottom of my heart. She is the gerl whose smile never fails to captivate me. She pulls my heart strings like I never felt before. She.

From that day I know I have entered into a dream. Something that I have not felt since I broke off with Xinyi. How could someone fall so hard in such a short time, I was asked. I dunno, I just felt it. I wish I need not wake up from this dream. A dream that exist only in fairytales, in your regular comic books. But when it happens to you, you just feel it. No escaping, no dunking. It just hit you right smack in the middle of your chest. It is a beautiful dream. I wish I never have to wake up.

For the past few weeks I am having 3-hr sleep per day. Talking to her on the phone, thinking of her, making her stuff, going out with her; my life revolves around her. I look at my cell phone every minute hoping she will call or msg, and I look forward to meet her everytime we plan to meet. I never regret not having enough rest, nor complain about it. I was never so hardworking for a relationship ever in my life. I feel that I have been waiting fer this the whole while. Grades isnt what I want, nor a comfortable life, good job; all these are secondary to me, secondary to the happiness that is derived from a relationship. I thought I found it. I did.

I am not a fantastic guy, nor someone who people will shun. I am just an average guy. With her, I gave everything that I have, everything that I can. Attention, comfort, surprise, a listening ear, laughter, and hopefully happiness. She calls me a nice guy, someone who is honest and straightforward. At least that is how much she trust me. But shes not ready fer a relationship, she tells me. She needs time to be alone. Okay, cool with me. There are times when I am very persistent fer an answer, but I learn to take a step back. To give her the space she needs, her freedom to make a choice. But apparently, she needs more. More time to go through her problems, more time to be alone. I honor that. I say I will wait. 1 month, 3 months, a year, 2 years, maybe more. I will wait fer her.

I was chided by my friends for being foolish. And many of you will think the same way. But I will like to ask: have you ever met a gerl whose presence simply takes your breath away? Or someone you know you will definitely be happy with? If you have not, I suppose your judgement is skewed and its better not fer you to pass your expectations on me. I told her I will wait. I know that I am studying in the States and could not be with her always. I know that the distance makes a difference to our relationship. And I am willing to give up all that. I am ready to write the email to quit school, I am willing to stay in Singapore. I just didnt find the heart to tell her that, because she will not allow it. Things will work our way, I told her. I can make things work. And I will be there to spoil her, pamper her, attend to her, comfort her, to love her. All these, if she says yes.

Being like me, she didnt want me to wait. She says the problem lies with her and not me. I wish to share the problem with her. I want to be there fer her. She refused. She just didnt want me to wait. She tells me that I am a nice guy, and deserve someone better than her. I chided her, and ask her if it is the new way to reject a guy. Cold laughter. The wait will be worthwhile, cos I can pursue my dreams while she can think about what she wants. I will wait.

Yesterday night she went to party. Being worried fer her going out with only gerls, I told her to call me if she needs someone to be there should they drank alot. She loves to hang around with her friends, and I learn to give leeway. Fell asleep, only to be woken up by her call at 2am. I read her msg that she needs help. Within 10minutes I was out the door hailing a cab. I frantically ask the cab driver to speed, fearing that she may be in some difficult spot. Within 15minutes I found her outside the club half drunk. I sent her up the cab and was supposed to bring her home. She asked to stop the car halfway. Bringing her down, I went to get a bottle of water from the nearby petrol station. Apparently someone bought her a bottle of wine and spiked it. I thank God that I arrived in time to discover it and no harm was done. Really thank the Lord fer it. She needs to sober up and ask to take a walk. Well after all we walked down stretch of Orchard Rd before, whats new? She held my hand and ask to hug me. Even though I knew that when she wakes up the next morning, she will forget about this. It will all be just a good dream. I obliged. And I was clear headed enough not to take advantage of the situation, becuase I know that it will only make my conscience unclear and my scar to be deeper. Throughout our 2-hr walk, we walked, hugged and hold hands in the cool night. I can never forget the smell on her hair and skin, even though I joked that she smells of tequila. I was intoxicated. The way she placed her head on my chest, the way she snuggle up to me, the way she hold me close, it was heavily imprinted in my head. I do not want to let go, but I know that this will be just a dream for me. A dream that will last till the moment I sent her to the door. Till the moment she wakes up. Till the moment she forgets everything that has happened that night. I longed fer God to prolong the night, but knowing that it will not last cos shes just exhausted. Exhausted from keeping herself busy to forget her worries, tired from her internal problems. I held her closer at the thought of her suffering herself. It really pains me seeing that. But she only wants me to hug her, not to share that problems. She wants a friend, not another commitment.

Today ends it all. As I turn and walk off from her car, the whole world crashes on me. i do not know what to feel, nor how to act. Logical reasoning fails me, my emotions uncontrollable. As she look me in the eye and tells me not to wait for her, not to think of her, and to find other gerls instead of her, I felt cold, devastated and isolated. I do not know where I should go, or where I belong. I'm just lost. She made me promise her not to wait fer her, and not to think about her, even more so, not to give her anything. Do not treat her with care and concern. Do not shower her with attention. I was blocked out. She says its her problem, not mine. She held my hand and placed her hand on my chest. But she was determined. I could not stop her, could not change her mind, could not reason with her. Everything of me fails. My world is spinning around, and my heart is cold. I do not know what I want anymore. I just want to be alone. I do not wish to return to the States any more. And fuck care the problems that I am having right now. My heart is heavy, and I wish to cry. Tears fail me as well. My attitude is indifferent. I do not know what I care any longer. I just wish to be isolated. From the world, from my friends, from my family, from the society. I need to shut myself up. I just dun care any more. I just dunno where I can go. And fer all that? I blame myself fer it. Entirely.

Even now, the imprints of her hugging me flashes past my mind, the way she put her nose on my chest to take a wisp of me, and the way she looks at me. I cant control those images. I cant stop my mind. I cant hold on to my sinking heart, which is chilled beyond what I ever felt before. I do not want anything. Not education, not job security, not anything. I do not want to return, my desire to return simply fails me. I know I will disappoint many, but I just dun care. Nothing matters any longer. No one matters to me. I do not need judgement, nor do I bother to meet expectations. Stop all my contacts. My heart do not feel for anything any longer. I am simply too deep into this. And all myself to blame.

Lifes an irony. For the things you work so hard for, sometimes you just do not get the returns. For what you deemed as constant, life throws a curve ball at you and the only constant is change. There is no stability, nor definite answers in life. At one time you are leading a comfortable life, next you are on the streets. And when life brings you the one gerl you truly like, it robs you of that happiness that you so longed for. How do you pick yourself up when you are continuingly freefallin into the abyss? Some people talk about hitting rock bottom. But where is the end? The tunnel seems so dark, dark as death. No one around, you are on the lonely road. Boulevard of broken dreams seem to sum up this walk, except I cant even find my own shadow to accompany me. My heart is just heavy, chained to the weights that pulls it down down down down. But I couldnt care less. I do not wish to see the light any more. I wish to end it.

Of my life, I have been through ups and downs. Of shattered dreams and broken hearts. Of sorrow and despair. Of darkness and light. But each time I walk pass it, because my heart wills to do so. But I am sure this is it. This is the end, cos my heart, mind and flesh is dead. I do not know what I live for, nor what I treasure. I am a lost cause. Another shattered ship in the ocean. There is nothing I care for that could repair that damage. All else is secondary. And I just wish to be alone.

And all I ask, is this: do you ever like me, or am I just another guy who is walking past your life? Was that hug out of gratitude, or for you liking me as I am?

I want to know. Before all these are over for me.

Dark Chocolate Passion

2006-05-16T09:57:00.000-04:00

In the span of a few days, I shocked myself by doing and saying things I never did or say before. Pretty amazed about what you are capable of doing when you are so sure of something, that you will work towards it with your heart and mind united.

Din get much sleep these few days (3 hrs / day). That is concurrent with army and my other outings. But dun regret for these days cos in these few days I experience happiness, sadness, being a little hurt, joy, shock, in disbelief, etc all rolled into one major experience. Pretty awesome huh... well I guess its not fer the faint hearted. I certainly died and got revived a few times in the process.

Life's so bitter sweet; especially when you feel things are flowing your way and turns out to be the other way round. It is so much so like dark chocolate, you first taste the bitterness of the cocoa before savoring the sweetness of it in the end. Chose this description cos I love dark chocolate! hehe maybe a little Sins this weekend? Hmmm...

The weekends! hmm.... I realli dunno wat I should do! Gonna catch the Da Vinci Code on Friday night. Guess that's about it! Feel so restrained with my service in the army. Back to do nothing except eat, sleep and sit around listening to gossips. Hahaha... so much work fer a sergeant! Looks like I need to work on something construction or else this 2 mths will eat into my brain cells!

Theres still alot of dilemma going on fer me; what should I do, where should I go, how should I act, et cetera. If only life can be simple and without such lane-changing life decisions! But these few days allow me just to enjoy simple joys of life; and I am ever-grateful about it! Hope not to be limited to that few days... dun want it to stop!

Nuff said fer today. Need.more.rest!

Dislike the weather. Make it stop being so warm!

Spending like crazy. Loving the moment when I shop!

Frens are my charm. Love them alot!

Thank God fer all these blessings! And please dun let them stop flowing!

Miss you loads. Just cant stop thinking. Sorry cant help it =P

Wee hours of the morning

2006-05-12T20:44:00.000-04:00

Tired but really fun and happy...

I am up to the challenge! Dun belittle my learning capability! (Pls dun laugh at me if I mess up... )

Hope to seeya soon... and take your time to decide. I'll wait.

Fate and Destiny

2006-05-10T21:19:00.000-04:00

Back in Singapore!

And its time to paint the town red to announce my arrival in this city! Got pretty much partying lined up fer the entire weekend, starting from thur nite (cos fri is Vesak Day, luv holidays!) where some of my frens ask me to head down to Butter Factory. No idea where thou, just go! Friday will be the awaited MOS where the resident DJ will be spinning, and Sat just bar hop around Peranakan Place chain of pubs at Somerset. Sunday will be Alcohol Abstain Day! Going to church.

When I hit home, I was busy making plans and all that jazz. Just realised that in the span of 8 mths alot has happened. 1 of my fren is married, and 2 of them in July. Ouch. Marriage is a good thing thou... hahaha... The most interesting transistion comes from my frens in army. After seeing my men/colleagues/officers in camp, most of them are out in the work force. Its funny to image them in their corporate attires, but I guess I have to deal with reality just like they will have to as well. Met up with a good fren from army and chatted with him fer quite a while. Turns out hes into insurance rite now. Discussed alot and shared alot of pain and experiences in this industry. I'm not unfamiliar with this industry, but interested to hear that there are so much more to it! I'm glad my fren grew so much over this period, and I'm glad he had found his calling.

So much fer higher calling! So what abt mine?

We talked abt our family backgrounds versus our goals/aspirations in life. And we concluded that the family background plays a crucial part in influencing our goals in life. Its becos of our environment that we choose this path we want. He initially had a dilemma; to study or work. Turns out he opt the latter, and things are looking fine fer him. He mentioned that college degrees are just like an insurance policy to ur future career, necessary but not crucial. It guarantees you a place in the prospective career you like, but it can lead you this far. I told him, I envy him fer making him his mind and taking his desired path as this painful selection will don on me just when I finish 2 years into my new career. I cant stay on fer long, not if I want my goals to be within grasp. That, will be my turning point.

It is fun to talk to someone with similar mindset, which reminded me why I miss Singapore so much. Its a pity most of my gd frens are away in Aust where the term ends in June; otherwise a reunion sounds like an excellent idea to get wasted and rebond our ties. As we talked, we talked about Fate and Destiny. He mentioned a slogan he liked alot "Empowering people, creating destiny". He told me that Destiny can be created, just like palm lines can be changed. This is where hard work comes in. Fate, however, is uncontrollable. Just like meeting his great colleagues at work, entering into a tight organisation hes in right now, all these are fated to happen. Its not possible to control it.

As I type away, the familiar hokkien song pops into my head.

I cant imagine how I would survive without frens like these. People who give me subtle encouragement, to spur me on in life when I'm down, and always will be beside me. I thank the Lord fer such frens! And fer this summer, I will strive to rebond my ties with ALL my frens. (Do hope 4 mths is enuff!) There you go, another goal fer this summer.

Thanks fer being there fer me Lord.

A great semester!

2006-05-06T10:24:00.000-04:00

Alls well ends well.

I must admit this is a great semester fer me! I thoroughly have fun with you guys, who made a difference to my life this semester. Without you, well, I guess I will basically stay put in my dorm room and study. Hahaha...

So much fer ups and downs in school, fun-filled events, outings and many more. For the panic week during exam period, I guess its good that it pays to work smart throughout the semester and not just at the end.

For the many small incidents, hiccups, misunderstandings that I have, well I cant be sure to say I am sorry for it cos some of them are what I intended them to happen; bottom line is, if I have done anything that might offended someone, I apologise here. Dun it to heart (and dun misinterpret my actions!) of the things I do, hope things are back to normal after the summer!

Ah! The summer! Honestly at this point where I am less than 24hrs to my flight, I kinda dun wanna hop onto that flight. The feeling sux. After hanging ard with a bunch of frens I call my family, its the exact feeling when I left Spore. Well after all, friends ARE my family! Not ashamed to say, but I will miss you guys terribly!

And as the 4-month holiday commences for me, I will like to say a BIG Thank You to the graduating seniors, Lynn and Juinyi! Sorry I cant come to your graduation cos I am moving my stuff. But sincerely, I wish you all the best for your future endeveours! God Bless! To those who have been helping me throughout the term, you know who you are lah! Thanks for your help and I appreciate it! For the rest, enjoy your break and seeya in Fall 2006!

Time flies... and I wish things will stay the same throughout my life! Even with the bumps in my college life, hey life isnt always smooth sailing! Just make sure you utilize it to the best of your abilities! To my family and you guys, thanks fer eveything.

Listening: Time of Your Life by Greenday

Perfectionist

2006-05-02T19:15:00.000-04:00

Alrite... I am officially pissed! Whoever mention my grades in front of me again.... try it! What the hell's wrong trying to do well? And get pple talking about you being an over achiever?? What the hell?!?

And please, seriously, I never try to be competitive here. The only person I want to overcome is myself and the demon inside me. No one else. So dun.ever.talk.about.my.grades.again.

I am just a college student trying to survive expectations.

PLEASE DUN.

Terribly Desperate to get back!

2006-04-29T22:58:00.000-04:00

1 down 5 to go....

It is at this precise moment that a note is stuck so deep down.... that I am dying to get back. Screw the exams, screw my life, screw everything else... I just wanna head back, go visit my grandma, and meet up with all my frens back home. Its just this burning desire that I cannot explain.

How weird. Abt life can just spin around you. How things twist and look favorable or totally against you. I just had this fren who msg me in Australia. I used to dislike him, brand him as an arrogant showoff. Life turn against me, and just when I am at another low point, he stood up for me. Even though he couldnt help much, I am ever so grateful that God bother to shine this tiny speck of light in my utter darkness. He has seen life more than I do, and when I told him about how I used to feel about him, he look at me square and said,"Put that where it belong, in the past."

Things change, pple change. But true friendship? It just doesn't die off. I thank God to put such great frens beside me, who are ever so concern about me. Haha I guess I must be the baby in the group. Even though I tot I've seen it all, theres always new things/pple/happenings that never fail to amaze me. How shallow! There's always something I can learn from my frens, be it something trivial or a lesson in life.

I used to think life has stabbed me in my back countless times, leaving me to bleed, to suffer. Alone. Now when I look back, everytime I stumble, there will always be a fren there to hold me, and carry me. Sometime soon, I will also like to be there fer them as well! No matter how small you think your efforts are to help me, I truly appreciate it nonetheless.

Nothing to constant. You cannot take for granted things you have in life. They aint there for you always. Things come, and go. What goes around comes around. Watch your step, be cautious what you do and say. Things come back to haunt you. I am partly feeling the effects, and waiting for the fullblown consequences to come. But whatever it is, I know I can count on you guys. Thanks fer carrying me time and again.

Sigh 5 more to go. I am just waiting for 445pm Monday. Half the battle's won that day. Talk about trying to maintain what you started, sure to be hard! But I just wanna rest. I am feeling tired... faltering steps... I just cant see the final end point.

Stress? Far from it. Just indifferent. About everything. Go ahead. Say your piece. I dun care.

7 days

2006-04-27T00:58:00.000-04:00

Im officially bored! Absolutely no mood to read/practise/study or whatsoever! Just cannot be bothered, after all home's just ard 10 days to go! Ooohhh man, can't wait to chiong!

There are however a shit load of stuff I need to do/complete before I can board that flight. I can't imagine myself 10 days later, all packed and COMPLETED EXAMS!! omg... I just can't see myself at the end of this semester! Maybe its the guilt I accumulated over these 2 weeks of playing too much! Damnnnn.... so much fer a study-plan, completely subjected to changes and disruptions!

Ok I really need to readddd.... arrgghh!

Listening: Sukiyaki (4pm)

Disease

2006-04-23T10:46:00.000-04:00

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody’s heart break
But now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

No one’s ever turned you over
No one’s tried
To ever let you down,
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can’t live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Feels like you’re making a mess
You’re hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life, oh was magic
Beautiful girl
I can’t breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can’t live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease
I think that I’m sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won’t take long till
I’m free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can’t live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don’t pay no attention to me
I got a disease

I think that I’m sick
But leave me be while my world is coming down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won’t take long till
I’m free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EUGENE!!!

2006-04-22T01:05:00.000-04:00

Hope you like your 18th sweeeeet birthday present from us!

Oh yea, still got 8 more shots to go fer a complete round! Clock's ticking!!!

Enjoy your birthday dude! And the many more birthdays that we will celebrate! Its your day! Have fun and be merry!!! (If 1 bottle's not enough, please inform me so that I can get more!)

Muhahahaha...

Getting down to work

2006-04-20T22:30:00.000-04:00

Alrite I am really behind on my schedule... exams starting on apr 29, and last till may 3. I have to cover 6 papers/practical in this short span. Great. Not yet started at all... time just slip past my grasp and its not looking good for me.

Oh the other hand, this term's really good fun! Fer abit of tradeoff... just its worthwhile! Back to my old lifestyle while Im in poly~ just hanging ard and doin nothing while time (and youth.. i need to add that) slips past us without a care in the world. No parents. No pressure. No concerns (except where to eat). Ooohhh I can't wait to start my worklife and a whole new shift in lifestyle! There will sure to be pressure and all... but without having to answer to another person, or have the concerns I am having now.... Life will be good, that I can see!

So graduation dinner is right at the corner... first event fer new committee! Honestly I can't wait to settle this and move on to do some serious work. But before that.... hehehe.... I need a drink! So much fer once a semester! Ehhh can I change that statement? I can foresee loads of ppl partying and dancing, I can smell it in the air (fumes of cookout... cough), or nonstop shots coming up! Not bad... thats my life! Kill some brain cells before exams... good move too! Save me from remembering too much stuff and thinking too much! hahaha...

17 more days to Singapore... that I can't wait! See those familiar faces, places, and food!! Oh ah ma, if u know how to read english, I want nor huong! hahaha... I also like to see her again even though nothings work out.

Gottaa try to readdd....

Hate

2006-04-18T23:24:00.000-04:00

I always believe...

that hate is a strong word, and shouldn't be use at all because you cannot comprehend the depth of what the word means...

today I found something...

I HATE it when people do not give you the fucking respect, or at least the bare minimum....

... for those out there who think I am a fucking pushover...

Fucking try to step on my tail again, u better fucking watch your neck. 'Cuz I will be in a dark corner and will snap it off before you can say "Mother fucking shit"...

.... watch your fucking back!

Home

2006-03-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I din blog fer such a long time! Well think I am running out of excuses to say that I am busy with my life without stopping fer a while and reflect upon it.

Got some trouble at home... I really pray that things get settled before I get back! I really believe that this is a test from God, testing my paitence and trust in Him. Putting my brothers in trials as they try to smooth out this big one.

It seems to me that life can never be smooth-sailing fer me. I must say I am not as fortunate as my frens ard me, yet I can't compare it this way because I know there are worse scenarios out there that I do not know of. Every time when I stop and reflect, to think back of my life, its always the bad experiences that seem to stand out, leaving myself in a state of self-pity and start to compare against ppl who have better lives than me. Don't I deserve it as well?

I told ppl that I can't wait to get back to Singapore, which is true. But not back home. I have been questioning: what is home to me? A refuge where you can do what you please, forget your worries and shut yourself out from the world; or simply a place where you rest ur tired feet before moving on with your busy life? I don't ask for fancy places, nice houses or mansions; just a place where I can feel the warmth from the people who care, a place where I do not need to worry.

I am not looking forward to go back home. Avoiding my problems? Yeah I am. I feel so weary, fatigued from all that nonsense thrown on me.

I've got 5 more weeks to Singapore; can't wait to see my frens there! Pity jin and the rest are still in Aust, or else it will be party all day! I need to drink, to wild-out, and stop thinking of whats going to happen next.

P = ?

2006-03-01T00:02:00.000-05:00

So I was talking about how I always able to plan out my work but never get to exercise such plans. Its so typical of me to be like that, and its still on my list of not tos for this year 2006.

me: so in the end, I din get much work done. It always starts with P.

a: P? Whats that?

b: Yeah whats that? Oh dun tell me, let's guess!

me: erm ok... its always wat I do with work...

a: Penis?

me: (stunned) where did that come about?

b: Pah chiu cheng?

me: (even more stunned) hahaha NO!

a: gimme the next letter, or the last letter.

b: no wait! im coming up with it....

me: yeah its wat i usually do....

b: pissing?

a: aiyah its phising...

me: nope dude... thats k201 man... ( i was studying fer the lecture exam tml)

b: ohhhh its procrastinating! hahaa...

a: oh chey, now thats a long word....

me: "-_-

So that's what my frens tink of what i do when i have too much free time....

Not My Day

2006-02-24T15:18:00.000-05:00

Guess everyone has their bad day fer the week/mth/yr and I seriously feel that today is THE day. Not as dramatic as what you may think it will be, but in general:

1. Cut my thumb while eating (dun ask me how...)
2. Wasted my whole day yesterday (it started yesterday....)
3. Went to gym, and forgotten to take my student card out of my pocket. End up having to take Bus C and not showing my card. Got caught by the bus driver (thank goodness he let me go up the bus... I was prepared to get down.)
4. Got back my A201; made a serious shit of careless mistakes
5. Woke up early to Study fer the review questions fer K201; ended up forgetting them ALL. (wtf I wake up so early for?!?)
6. Cos of my A201 grades, almost piss my fren off. (Or I'm quite sure hes pissed; dun take it to heart ah!)
7. .... and the day has not ended....

Please Lord, let me get through the day in peace!

2006-02-22T22:37:00.000-05:00

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village. Though:

He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
Robert Frost

Sums up my feelings fer now. Of obligations and expectations to fulfill.

Where Art Thou?

2006-02-18T23:02:00.000-05:00

Studying fer my A201 exams... sometimes I swear just the thought of working on any of my courses kills me. Nowadays, I kinda dislike pple keep bringing up the point that I had 4.0 last sem. I mean, so what? After all, I just had lesser credits than the rest, thus having the time to work on my other courses. Plus, I had no life. So you just cannot compare that way. There are tradeoffs where pple deemed to be worthwhile fer their exchanges of time. To me, I just had a lousy first sem. And I am still looking, which is kinda sad.

I heard from someone about the search fer The One like Morpheus, always tinking that he has got the one but always turn out to be the wrong One. Heh

Kinda going thru one of those periods rite now. It sucks.

I need a break.

Desperately.

Just keep me away from everything.

I just wanna go back home.

Maybe its just the weather, cos it happens that I am experiencing the coldest day in my life. Literally. -18C is pretty bad fer me. Just feel like snuggling under my blanket and sleep. Walking outside is not.a.good.option.right.now.

So yeap I'm still in search. Listening to YES 933 FM rite now. All that lurve songs are not doing good fer my morale.

Sometimes (pretty much always), I blame myself fer being so weak in my resolve. And being such a gutless guy. There, go ahead and luff. I am not so tough after all. Theres more improvement need to this blockhead.

Arrghh...

Sleep deprived

2006-02-15T20:28:00.000-05:00

Well done! I have survived wed... my speech went OK and I manage to get my act together in the nick of time for my Telecomm paper. And slept thru most of the lecture with his eyeballs on me. Dun realli care.... Im darn tired!

Just check my calender that I basically got something up every few days interval. All the way to spring break. Excellent. Talk about college life here like vaccum cleaner.... it sux big time. Well guess wat? Im kicking back and relaxing in my dorm, maybe iron a few clothes (OK I find ironing very theraputic) and read abit. Tml go work and gym and end my day. Sounds great? U bet! But I guess my plans are not always successful; there is bound to be something cropping up somewhere. Shit.

I find myself sleeping alot in classes lately. Maybe just too tired... or just couldnt be bothered. After all, I have less than 3 months before heading back home. Trying to do the least work fer the optimum results.

Going to see what TV program is on rite now. I hate to say this but I lost touch with TV. better watch something so that I can write or talk about it during Telecomm class. I rather sleep anytime thou.

Tot of the Day: Step 2?

Valentine's Day Special

2006-02-14T16:56:00.000-05:00

So... its that day of the year again. Miserable fer guys who can't find a date, and lonely fer gerls who aint proactive enuff to find one (hint). Its also a great day to express your appreciation to your gf and/or bf, on this special day filled with sweetness of love, anguish of pain and tears of sorrow.

Or is it such a special day?

There are several reactions to it. Fer one thing, there is denial (or act blur); some stated that this is just a great marketing gimick fer restuarants to raise up dinner prices fer pple who still are willing to dine outside, and flowers and chocolates of all sorts that seems to have a price tag that has an addition zero to it somewhere; others, well, just stay in home.

Personally, I feel its a great day fer LOVE! Love fer frens around you, and appreciation to pple who are close to you. It's not as if you can't show such appreciation on anyday or as and when you like it, but the occasion calls fer it. Simple tots and small gifts are sufficient to express that gratitude, need not bushes of flowers or shopping cart-filled of chocolates.

Somehow all these make me tink of my frens back home.

So far I spent 3 v-days in my entire life. Not bad, considering Im not even popular. Well that was with someone I truly loved. Kinda miss that feeling~ someone actually appreciate your little actions fer them.

From here, I will just end with this note: Valentine's Day may not be a special day to anyone in particular. Hell, it can just be another day. But why not make it special fer someone else in your life? Let them truly understand the meaning of being love and appreciated. Maybe you have not found your special one, but its somewhere out there. Meanwhile, be thankful of what you have rite now, for someday it might just be gone forever.

Hope you guys have a great day ahead, and Happy Valentine's Day!

PS: I met her again! Damn din ask her out on a date... kena scolded by Eugene~

Agony...

2006-02-05T16:38:00.000-05:00

Things got busy, and I'm starting to see how long I can last before I quit my job. Realized that I have been working around my work schedule instead of my studies; supposed to be the other way around. Anyway, I guess that I have to work hard on my time management (wats new?) otherwise I will find another pile of work waiting fer me, just like this week!

Damnit telecomm! So much to cover! Who gave that stupid tot of an "all rounded education"? Lost touch with everything except business stuff... perfect waste of my time! Arrgghh! Ok commercial break over~ gotta get back to reading my T205 again!

So here's a thought: what will you be doing on Valentine's Day? Fer those reading, if any, its not an obsession that I am asking this question. Just curious, dat all.

listening to: 恋人未满

Moody

2006-01-29T23:45:00.000-05:00

Not feeling well rite now.... Just having another spell of mood swings and tinking alot of home and friends back there. Hope things go well fer me in time to come. Semester is moving into full swing and everythings moving at a speed that is breathless fer me to catch up. Expectations and lack of motivation.... that is my downfall. Sometimes you just get caught up with your own life that you fail to look around you to take in everything else that is surrounding you. I feel like Im in a well, struggling hard to keep afloat as the water rises. If I manage to thread the water and work hard to keep my head up, sooner or later the water will overflow the well and i will be out of it. If not, well I guess drowning seems like another good option.

Im so negative rite now. Sick of life and everything that is around it. Emily was rite, I need to be alone fer a while to get my orientation right and to get on with what I have left off with. Hope this doesnt take longer than I expect it will.

Sian.

Somewhere I belong

2006-01-22T20:25:00.000-05:00

I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(i was confused)
and i live it all out to find, but im not the only person wit these things in mind
(inside of me)
but all that they can see the words revealed
is the only real thing that i got left to feel
(nothing to lose)
just stuck hollow and alone
and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real
i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.
i wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere i belong

and i got nothing to say. i cant believe i didnt fall right down on my face
(i was confused)
look at everywhere only to find.
it is not the way i had imagined it all in my mind.
(so what am i)
what do i have but negativity
cuz i cant trust no one by the way everyone is looking at me
(nothing to lose)
nothing to gain im hollow and alone
and the fault is my own
and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until i do this on my own
cuz i will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
i will never be anything til i break away from me
i will break away. ill find myself today

Great song, kinda describe how im feeling rite now. Dunno why, just feel its a passing spell of loneliness and despair. I need to be somewhere i belong rite now...

Everlasting Love

2006-01-21T01:59:00.000-05:00

I just caught The Notebook again on DVD (thanks jas!) and sat there.... stunned fer a while. The love the characters share almost felt true and real on my end, and so is the belief that such everlasting love existed somewhere on this planet and in a remote corner, just waiting to be shared to the rest. Maybe I'm just being stupid, or having too much free time on hand that I watch this kinda sappy shows. But I love it, and I'm sure one day it can happen to me. Sounds stupid, but yes, I strongly believe so...

Know this kinda sound silly, but I dun really care. I do hope The One pops into my life soon. Everyone needs some sort of fairy tale in their lives, and everyone's version is different. As fer me? It's seems more vivid than a dream. But I know its there somewhere, and I have not cease searching fer it.

Till den, I'm still the semi-insane, no-lifer, rubbish-utter average guy that you know.

http://www.thenotebookmovie.com/

Long Weekend

2006-01-16T23:01:00.000-05:00

I really miss the winter breaks! Time to roll around in my bed, reading books and just doing nothing in particular during the holidays. And yet, there is tons of reading to do and more hmwk coming up from the second week onwards. Somehow, I just felt overwhelmed.

Din really fully utilized my time this long weekend. Could have done more stuff. Well I guess that there are more things I can possibly imagine. Yeah rite, what has a freshman got to complain? See? Here's the thing: I procrastinate. So I've got a load of laundry waiting to be ironed, forms to fill, hmwk to be done, things to plan, work to juggle, and in the midst of it all, tryin to find time fer my social life and leisure. Hows that sound?

Not complaining, just a little pissed with myself sometimes that I cant get a simple thing done in the arranged time. Fer one thing: I seriously need time management skills to get over this semester.

So I'm taking this interesting course called T205, Intro to Media and the Society. Well here comes the theoretical part of it during the first part of the semester with Media Literacy and stuff like that, and sounds awfully similar to Sociology. Well I guess that having taken some classes in S100 does help a little to understand some of its materials. The most awesome part? You have the perfect reason to watch TV. And guess what? I do NOT like to watch tv programs. Or rather, I've forgone it over the course of time in my poly days (to spend time with my ex-gf) and no time at all to catch them during the army. Seriously, I do not understand when my prof starts talking about Lost, or The OC about some details of it. I guess that I'm seriously in trouble if I do not at least know what the hell he is talking, esp TV series.

*drum roll* I decided to watch Lost series! ABC channel, every Wed @ 9/8c. Haha lame excuse to watch tv thou. I rather read and laze around.

And btw, I do not like to watch The Bachelor cos I tink that the guy's ego in the show is super inflated just by being with so many beautiful ladies. And no, its not jealousy. Just on the stand point that such series are so fairy tale-like that it shouldn't be called a reality show. Cos its never real. Btw, I tink susan's HOT. Check her out! Hehe...

So much fer a hectic week! I'm sure there's more shit to come in the near future.

... and so it is

2006-01-10T21:13:00.000-05:00

Somehow today's weather coincides with my mood and feelings. Rainy, gloomy, downcast, and depressing. I do recall that on this particular day for the past few years, the weather has always been gloomy. I wouldn't say that God feels sad fer me, or that somehow life seems to be cruel to me cos I'm already very fortunate to begin with; but for the fact that losing a part of you at such tender age can have serious detrimental effects, esp when one is so young and has to take up the burden that is left behind.

Sometimes I feel that I am losing part of memories abt her. I thank God fer this gift of forgetting things so easily, which btw can be quite a pain in the ass when it comes to exams. But its sad that none of us can really rem what is she like. All I rem was her strict discipline, the tears and the heart-wrenching moment when she depart. Everytime I visit her, I will sob silently to myself and telling myself to be strong for the family; the last time when I was abt to leave for US.

I almost forgotten abt today. Nearly. But not when I called Grandma and she reminded me of it. Ha... wat fillal son.

What if.... shes still here? Will there be someone that misses me at home? I know my sweet Grandma does. Im not too sure abt Dad thou, since he was busy throughout his life. So much so that he does not know what is going on in my life. How I wish of a functional family! Something that I'm determined to give my kids.

I miss you Mom. How I wish to depart from here and be with you. Wherever you are.

On Xmas Eve - Uptown NYC

2005-12-24T19:41:00.000-05:00

Dead beat. I swear I should bring my walking shoes back in my apartment. I've been walking non-stop for the past few days up and down Manhattan; shopping, sight-seeing, eating (repeat). Its not as if I have not been to NYC before, but touring with frens makes it a whole new experience. Nevermind the train strike (and the walking that comes along with it), the expensive restuarants, or the lack of sleep. I dunno how they feel, but im sure enjoying myself here.

A few more hours marks the start of Xmas. Im not really looking forward to that. Boxing day is the important day!!! Well there's alot of stuff for me to get, but keeping in mind that I still got a semester to go before going back Singapore, I better start saving up some cash. So I just keep my Xmas list simple:

Leather jacket (Since I kept getting scolded by Weiyi for wanting ANOTHER winter jacket)
Ties
1 more pullover
1 more business shirt
Business Suit
3-quarter black coat
Ipod Nano

Erm that's all I guess! Heehee... OK I'm sure I will not get all of that stuff here in NYC. Its suicide prices here! But as for Boxing Day, hmm I'm not too sure I guess!

I just realized that I have so much stuff to do when I get back to B-town. Shopping for the apartment stuff, cleaning, movies to catch up, planning to do etc etc. But hell, all of that can wait till I'm done with my holiday here in NYC. I'm waiting for the chef to arrive so that I can make my dinner. How's steak with stir-fried shitake mushrooms and asparagus/ green & yellow pepper sounds to you? I'm getting hungry! (Not with the dim sum floating inside me)

There are more places to visit, more stuff to eat, and more cute NY gerls to ogle at. Thank God for the restoration of subways! Otherwise plan B will be executed (at a higher cost). Need to thank my gd fren Mun fer being so generous to lend me his apartment! Thanks dude!

Have a great Xmas and a fruitful one too! God bless you folks!

No mood....

2005-12-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

Funny, its one more week before end of exams and I totally do not have the mood to study. Its wed today, so means that I effectively have 3 more days to G202 finals. Crap. I'm not even started wif it yet. Just managed to convince myself (wif the help of angel as well) to start on my maths revision. Hopefully I can get on wif it and not disappoint myself!

Bloody winter is darn cold lah! But I guess its just the start so I shall reserve my complaints till den! =P

I still got a damn essay to complete! Arrrgghhh!! And more editing! When can the school spare me from this agony? So much left and so little time. actualli got time lahz, just reading story book onli heh.

Really nice to talk to angel once in a while. Realize how much I miss Singapore, and the food there. Praying ting can get me a good vocation fer my disruption! Oh yeah and my dear couz. Not sungei gedong again! PLEASE!!!!

Just got to know this thai guy in my M118 class. Funny, I shared class with him fer a few mths but I din talk to him at all. It still have to take eugene to intro him to me. Haha! Guess im a sucker fer meeting new ppl, cannot be proactive on this. Well hopefully plans go well and we can go thailand during the july period~ need a holiday!

Speaking of holiday, darn! wx cant make it to nyc! but phyllis will still be coming. but her final flight as an air stewardness. pretty sad fer her, but hopefully a good career change! countdown to nyc: 12 days!

Somehow within this 12 days, theres going to be alot of things scheduled to happen: (1) well narnia and the memiors will be out! so realli looking forward to them. (2) but prior to that, theres 3 final papers I need to study and feel confident abt b4 stepping into the exam hall. (3) And after that, I need to move to my new apt. yay! (4) somehow, i need to learn my theory test materials and go fer the test before flying off, so that too. (5) need to go to foster to apply fer the darn job.... stupid SSN!!! (6) yup and there will be more feasting after exams.... shitttt need (7) to go to gym again..... (8.....) need to change address wif all the banks and cingular and sch fer my new apt! (9) ..... i tink i stop here lah! like never ending one leh! and all in the span WITHIN these 12 days. Excellent!

Overdue (as usual) fer my revision. gtg ciaoz~

Countdown

2005-12-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

Its a little more than a week to my first final paper. As I pass by the lib days back, its packed with pple trying to start their revision (also packed with icore teams on their cases). Somehow, the mood is not sinking in for my finals. Perhaps im having too much fun during the Thanksgiving Break and still crave for more. Oh, was i full for that week! I honestly feel the need to hit the gym and/or go fer my swim training. Anyway.... still got other stuff to worry abt!

Its getting real cold out there but thanks to the shopping spree that I had on Thanksgiving Sale, theres no longer fear fer the coming winter. Well its still too earli to say, consider that its only -2 C right now. Wait till it hits -20 C siah!

Got my tickets to NYC for Xmas and truly looking forward to a real break where I need not worry anything except where to go fer my next meal. The reminder of my time will be snuggling under my blanket with a good book, a bowl of chocolate mint and a humongous cup of smoothie. Jazz playing in the midst and outside snowing, while feeling warm in my bed. Sweeeet~

But as of now, I'm behind time on my law (again). Wonder if I can complete it in time... anyway im due for another swim/run session or else I will end up getting REAAALLLY fat just eating and keeping myself warm in the coming winter. Den I will truly suffer when I return fer my army disruption, not to mention losing a $200 bet. DAmnitt cant lose!

Countdown ticking.... 10 more days to first paper!

Pride and Prejudice

2005-11-24T11:44:00.000-05:00

Woahhhh ..... a must-watch show! Love the dialogue and the plot behind it. The cast are well-chosen to portray the characters in the story, and not forgetting to mention the ever-lovely Keira Knightley who was chosen to portray the head-strong Elizerbeth Bennet. But being a love-movie buff, here's my fav quote:

"You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever... You must know - surely you must know that it was all for you... I would have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul and I love and love and love you. And never wish to be parted from you from this day forward."

Mr. Darcy (Chapter 58)

This quote was from the final few scenes when Elizerbeth was strolling down her compound when she found it difficult to fall asleep, and along came Mr. Darcy, who confessed his porfound love to her that she gladly accepted. So sweet~

I found myself in a rush to complete alot of books that are in movie releases. I'm currently on Chronicles of Narnia, which is a few hundred page thick that I am starting to think I cannot complete it in time. The show will be screening on Dec 9, along with Memoirs of a Geisha (another great book but starting to doubt my ability to complete it in time.) Prior to that I was done reading Harry Potter: Half-Blood Prince. And now, I am obliged to finish Pride and Prejudice.

I am not complaining; those are great books. Really wish to have the time and determination to finish them in time fer the movies. Well, at least I know what to expect. However some say that the movies are too short to relay what was written in the books. Well fer Harry Potter: Goblet of Fire that was the case. In the end, the higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment.

I wil still read the books despite possible disappointments.

Going to have Thanksgiving Dinner later in the day (filled with glorious food!) and had been stuffing myself with good food these couple of days. Damn! I dunno if I can win the bet or not. Anyway, tml will be shopping at the outlets (another vice, but a necessary one) fer winter stuff.

Brrr.... getting realllllly cold! And I still have to run outside later to get punish fer my sinful delights. Well it will be back to original shape again after tonight. Den again, Im not complaining!

Break of Thanksgiving

2005-11-22T10:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just feel that there aint much to thank about in my life. I have been through huge ups and downs in my life, and that of my family's, that somehow it don on me that my lifes pretty screwed. Honestly, this blog is inspired by my fren Caesar, who is a true charmer. However, like I mention so many times, I am not one myself. Glad that I realize that point before anyone starts saying I'm buay pai seh.

I dun lead a charmed life. But dun realli wanna blog down those events that made me like this; I just hope to lead a more normal life and stop being so suay in life. But I guess God has a plan fer all of us and I shant complain so much. But I will like to bring up this interesting question that someone ask me during the Thanksgiving Dinner we held some days back. "What would you like in a girl?"

I remembered saying, "Someone who can understand me." I think at that time I forgot to add "tolerate me" as well. Simple question, yet in my situation I feel otherwise. For a simple fact that though I am a pretty simple person to get along with, I am very complex to understand. Sad to say, but no one in my family understands me. My bros dun understand me. My grandma dun understand me. Pretty sad.

I feel that there is only one who does: my ex-gf Xinyi.

Somehow I feel its alrite to talk out all my thoughts to her. Even so, we used to quarrel because she claimed that I keep too much to myself. In fact, I do. I know that in a rship we are supposed to share all those thoughts and feelings to her. However, my thought was that I had such a skewed perspective of life that it was unfair to her to burden her wif all those thoughts. Thus, it is better to keep in to myself.

I dunno if anyone has that kinda feeling that I am keeping things to myself on matters that you ought to know. But if there is something I feel that you should know, I will announce it to you. I am sorry that I am made that way, just dun feel the need to change it.

Nuff said fer today. Thanksgiving is a great season to give my special thanks to pple ard me. I truly appreciate their help, esp during my period in the States.

To Bro, thanks fer your concern and help! Still need you to look out fer my brothers in Spore, thanks alot dude!
Jin, Kwek, Mun, Sheng: thanks pple fer showing concern at times. Do appreciate it! Thanks alot man~ will go back and we will feast! Mun, seeya in NYC! Sorry fer being a bother...
Dad: thanks fer ur concern. appreciate it.
Denise: Hey gerl, thanks fer ALL your help and being so patient and accomodating! Really hope you can solve watever probs that you are bogged wif at the moment. Thanks~~
Allen and Jas: fer being a charm~ thanks guys!
Weiyi and Gene: Hey dudes, thanks fer listening to my probs man! Glad to haf u guys ard in IU! NYC NYC~~ thanks fer being there and so encouraging! Gene: you are more matured than others think. I recognize that! WEi: Bloody piece of shit~ hahaha
Weihua and Lynn: fer building up my vocab and pronunciation! hahaha... really like hanging out wif you gerls!
Clement and Uta: thanks fer ur help these days man! really appreciate it~
Steven and Juinyi: Nice pple ard~ hope you guys come down to visit us from Indy when you have the free time! Dun mind if I crash in once in a while~
Sis: Dun tink I forget you ok?!? Heehee thanks fer the Jay Chou songs~ love them! And fer being such a concerning fren~ Better stay in IU ok?

Erm if I miss out anyone, that doesnt mean you aint impt! Aniwae, really thank you guys fer making this experience of mine special here. Beginning to love it~

Oh yea~ I met this 2 damnnnnnnnnnn cute gerls in church! And just realized they stay somewhere near where I have my lessons. No wonder I keep seeing them ard. Hehehe.... love IU fer its diversity! =P

Case Briefs

2005-11-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

I am stuck doing all that shit case briefs that I promised myself to do so. And its been HOURS but im still half way through!! Damnit!!! Hey anyone, any way of doing case briefs in the fastest possible way with all that required info?

Need to learn to be more effective.... so I can sleep more.... and complete Angels and Demons before I jump to Narnia and Memoirs of a Geisha before the show hit B-town. Muhahaha.

Advice needed. I want to take a course on media appreciation, something like watching a movie and asking how is it done and how good is it. Since I love movies so much, might as well rite? Hmm... but a little irrelevant leh...

Somebody piss me off today. I wouldn't say who. Somebody.

Need to jump back into my case briefs so that I can have more time fer my M118 exam revision for this coming friday. Damn alot to do siah! At least this is one of those times when I do understand more on maths. Is age getting on me? I cant seem to retain any knowledge acquired...

Time to dive back into my law..... Love what you hate the most, they say, to get the most effective results out of it. Its true.... to a certain extent. Im pushing the limit here... take care.

The Substitute People

2005-11-13T15:08:00.000-05:00

Just caught the show "Elizerbethtown" yesterday wif Eugene and Weiyi. Pretty sappy, but I dun realli like the plot. However, there are some parts of the show that ring up some thoughts, esp on the part of being "the substitute people".

I honestly believe in that God has created man uniquely and with varying talents and skills. To have that differing touch, God separates those who may be talented and those not-so-talented to different backgrounds and see how well they develop their innate talents under varying circumstances. Fer some people like I know, maybe fer instance Caesar, this ultra talented guy whose got everything that a woman desire and with great looks, special sense of humor, intelligence and from a pretty good background. Through the circumstances that God has put him through, he became wise and street-savvy about dealing with people and mould his special personality.

I am not crying out loud that God is unfair and that He should give me something to be special and people will envy about. Well I pretty much figure that out when I was in secondary and that I am not as one will term as "cool", "hip" or even "humorous". I acknowledge the Lord who gave me other special talents (which I yet to find out) so that I can contribute to Him in a different way. Ever feel like that? Well I certainly do. Hanging out with the cool kids in school wasn't much of a choice, and I certainly do have some good frens who do not bother if I am not-so-cool person.

I have ever tot abt learning all kinds of different stuff so that at least I feel special in a way. Haha but never got to set my heart down to do it. Constantly telling myself to change fer the better, but even more so telling myself that the change is not necessary. After 23 years of my life and nothing special (except love) ever happen to me, I kinda resigned to life that I am born to substitute the roles of other of what I hope I may become. Kinda like the anecdote that Kristen Durnst have said, "Ben is busy with work. And when he isn't busy and needed someone, I am there. But I am the substitute people, and can only substitute his work."

Have you been ask that if you are to pick two person to get ANY job done, who will you pick? In that instant, the image of a face or two will float up your mind. That people are the special people. Special to someone who deem them to be capable, reliable and can get anything done with their innate abilities granted by the Lord. I can think of 2, Kwek and Mun, both being the outstanding persons that I have known and thank the Lord fer this acquaintance, and both being my good frens fer 10 years. The point is, I am never one of those faces that may float up. This is also one of the characteristics of being the substitute people. Just like those science fiction shows of a captain of the space ship asking his no.2 to "take over" the realm of his command while he is away fighting some evil character. Do the film makers dwell on how his no.2 is gonna captain that ship? Nope. (That's me btw)

Fer people so bothered to read this, I am not complaining. In fact, I rejoice having the limelight taken away from me. After so long trying to "act cool" but actually "buay cool", I have to learn that this is not my cup of tea. I cannot stand up all of a sudden, crack some joke and make the whole room laugh. Even if I manage to do so, I would wonder if they are laughing at my joke, or at me. But fear not fellow-substitute people, there is a use for us. That, as coined by the Oscars, is called the supporting-role. No matter how great or talented a guy is, he is bout to be supported by a capable side-kick. Someone that this special guy would actually acknowledge his ability to aid his cause and put him by his side. Someone to be around in order to protray the skills of the special one(be it a positive or negative benchmark). Someone who makes up the "star" team and help support through behind the scene work. Someone.

I believe that in life, God has strike a balance in this world. You may find yourself envying others on how good-looking, rich, talented, humorous, girl/boy-magnet they are. But do not forget that the Lord has granted us something and some place else. Something that you need to discover; some place you need to find. And btw, you are always special. Special to your love ones, and special to your partner. I was special to someone I know, and she was special to me cos she taught me everything about love. So after all, it is the light that you want to view yourself under. If you are to choose the negative and painful side of life, go and wallow in some mud and cry to yourself how the world is unfair and God being unjust. Otherwise, brace life and look positively forward (like I am! hehe) that someday, you will be special and know your role, even if it means to be a substitute to someone.

Season of Spending

2005-11-10T20:18:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I did not blog fer so darn long! Anyway it was my mid term exams the week prior (or was it the week b4?) that I have to concentrate on. Today I just ended my final lab session for career perspective. Cool, no more lesson after law from today onwards. Which also means that I ran out of excuse NOT to go fer training! Damn...

Fer those who din know, I have recently switched to swimming instead of running to keep myself in shape (still not very fit lah). I can't really run that much now cos my knee caps become darn sore after each session. As much as I can push myself, this is not the way to keep myself healthy and neglect my old injuries. Ouch. Joined the swim club for training, which Eugene has been telling to me fer weeks. Actually I tot since this is just a leisure club, how tough can the training get? Oh boy, I was wrong!

The last training was on tuesday, and I am still feeling the after-effects of it. Just a preview of what we are doing. Ok hardcore swimmers, maybe it seem nothing to you. Believe me, I am having a hard time keeping up.

Warm up: 150 swim, 150 pull, 150 kick, 150 swim
Training: 4 X 100 free 10 SR
4 X 100 free 15 SR
3 X 100 kick IM
4 X 125 free & fly/breast/back/free
Warm down: 100 swim

Well not so much the swim that kills me, its the kick that is giving me cramps. Cos when I swim, I usually depend alot on my upper body strength. Kicking is just to keep my body parallel to the surface and propelling myself in the right direction. Well suppose to go training today with Eugene but I guess I will pass on this. Will go down to swim during the weekends (if I din procrastinate).

Another thing has been bothering me till date. I am still not planned out for my schedule until I grad. The most frustrating part is the 27-hr noncore education. I am DAMN fedup with the school system! I am a freaking business student, what good can I get out of an "all rounded" education?!?! Shit man, freaking waste of time! I have shortlisted a few, but the more I look at it, the more I am pissed. Vague information plus various professors have varying teaching and examining methods. AND the information is not readily available, making us students make uninformed decisions that we may learn to regret or suffer from. Furthermore, given that we may want to minor in a subject. And the minor may be within the business course. How is that we cannot take the 27 hr to do something we fancy? And you call this freedom of choice?!?
F*** you IU!

Ok enough of frustrations. Recently a tornado hit Indianapolis, which is scary cos it killed 20 pple till date. There were sirens going about B-town and rouse some sleepy heads ard midnight. Well not this thick head of mine. Think the Baileys is doing some effect on me, making me sleep straight through it and cant be bothered even if the sky drop on me. Well I heard that we are on tonardo watch, meaning that the elements of the weather now is perfect for tonardos to form and destroy [something]. Haha... we shall wait till that day fer more updates!

Aniwae I got my results back fer both econs and law. Pretty good I must say, thanking the Lord for His continuous blessings. Especially for law, when I tot that all is lost. Apparently, I was damn lucky to write the correct stuff and within the time limit. Thank God!

Currently lost myself in Dan Brown's book: Angels and Demons. I must say, the author is darn resourceful to come out with such plots. Each piece fits perfectly and he make use my fav topic: art and architecture of Da Vinci's period. Fascinating! A must-read for all!!

Forgive but dun forget?

2005-11-03T10:23:00.000-05:00

Watched "Prime" last night with Weihua and Lynn at Kerasotes Movie Theatre. So this is the theatre that Prof. Steve was talking about acquiring monopoly rights through their lobbying of the city council for screening of new movies. I think it was the G202 that is playing with my head, cos honestly, I have been talking to others in terms of incentives, consumer surplus and willingness of the buyer. Crap.

"Prime" was about this 37-yr-old divorcee (Uma Thurman) who got caught up in a "cradle-snatcher" situation when she found herself very much infatuated with this 23-yr-old painter (Bryan Greenberg). Well so much so that she will divulge all her sexual thoughts and feelings to her shrink (Meryl Streep), who happens to be the painter's mom. Bringing her son through strict jewish upbringing, she found herself hearing about the complaints, habits and weird behavior of his son that directly links back to her. Well, true love prevails and finally the shrink decides that it is beyond her ethical call as a shrink to allow her paitent telling her all that private details. The shrink confronted the divorcee and told her about the relationship with the painter. Shock, shock, horror, horror. I like how Uma Thurman goes, "You let me talk to you about your son's penis?" Absolutely hilarious! Dun understand why the rest of the theatre doesn't share that moment of embarrassment if they were in Uma Thurman's shoes.

I kinda like the plot. The ethical duties of a shrink, balancing so-ever thinly on the edge as a dutiful mom who considers about the well-being of her son. I will agree to how Meryl Streep reacted in the show and confesses the relationship with her son. Even though I thought that she might do it sooner. Den again in the shoes of a mom, versus a shrink who geniunely wants to help her patient. I love Uma Thurman in this show! She's so hot for a woman in her prime! Well I believe in this complex society that we live in, there are bound to be some of these kinda situations where an older woman is dating a younger man. I can see how far we will go on this argument. But I will stand on the side of the woman (this time) that it is fine to date younger man. Why not? If older man derives the pleasure of dating a younger, hotter woman and the younger woman chooses to do so (for unknown reasons, I shant discuss); I dun see why there is such a big hoo-ha about female craddle snatchers. We see obvious examples like Ashton and Demi being together. Well as long as they are happy, I dun see why not.

The thing that I dislike alot is same-sex relationship, which I am absolutely against. God created Man and Woman to be together, not of the same sex! Doesn't seem right to me. Ok I am deviating from my real topic. Wanna talk a little about my own experience.

I once dated a gerl who is 2 years older than me (pls, its not becos of this that I support having older women dating younger guys) and I see this as a healthy relationship. However I did something I shouldn't have done and broken up with her. Well believe it or not, but it has been pricking my conscious everytime I lean back and reflect on this. Till today. Recently I realised that she checked my profile out on Friendster, and I muster enough courage to send a msg to her and ask her how's shes doing. I was half expecting that she will send some scarstic msg or some hurtful msg like "Oh, I'm happily attached" and stuff like that. She was sweet and all and ask how was I, and was geniunely concern about my well-being in States. That makes me a greater sinner above all.

Here's the thing. I just sent back a reply, asking for her forgiveness. Even after 5 years w/o contact, I am still obliged to ask for it. I somehow feel that if I received her forgiveness, I can move on emotionally. I heard Weihua once said that gerls "forgive but do not forget". And if it is so, I honestly dun mind to pay the price of being forgiven. And it is reasonably understandable for her not to forget (if I were to post what happen, I will be branded FOR LIFE!). But still, taking a step at a time, it is wiser to make a fren than an enemy. I dreamed about being splashed water at, smashed by a pie, being beaten up by her boyfriends, etc etc. And honestly, I dun mind at all. I know it sounds a little selfish, but I am asking for her forgiveness just to feel better inside and neglecting the pain she gone through like what I heard from my frens. I just can't think of anything more suitable than this at this moment. Just to say I am sorry, and pray to the Lord that in time to come, I will be forgiven.

So I dunno if you are out there reading this. But if you are, I just wanna tell you that I am truly sorry for the pain I dealt on you. Forgive me, and I honestly hope that we can still be frens.

Campus View

2005-11-02T11:51:00.000-05:00

Yeap! I am shifting to Campus View apartments! Gone (soon to be) are the days where I need to put up with the monotonous food in the food courts and stuck in a 10 X 8 room. No more noisy neighbors and lack of privacy. Can't wait to move in!

I just stuck an agreement with William to move into his apartment while he is away in Spore to do intern with PWC. Well I will be handing over the apartment to him in May or Aug 06 before I move into the apartment with Weiyi and kick off my term here as a Sophomore.

Cant wait! Itching for some retail therapy lately. I need to get a blender! Been paying high prices for the smoothies I like. I can make better ones myself (with prior experiences in Coffee Bean) anytime. Tink I will go for my haircut later. I am dying from this messy mop. Cannot stand it! Maybe its just becos I came out of army and the required hair length is just about 2-3 inch.

Even when my exams are over, the pressure is still ard: the results! Oh shit, I dunno whether I can maintain or not. Well I guess results fer law is definitely ard Friday, and probably for econs too. *fingers crossed*

To date: 2 projects, 1 portfolio, 1 assignment, maths and cleaning up my messy room. So much more to work on. But den, I guess reading the newly borrowed "Angels and Demons" takes more priority. Hehe...

Halloween

2005-10-28T01:20:00.000-05:00

Right... Ive got G202 on sunday at 6pm and L201 on the following tue at 8am. Tell me, how to party for Halloween?!? Shit... really hope that the exams postpone or something...

Just cant seem to get thru the first chapter of G202. Private property rights, communal goods and govt-owned property... ok its getting messed up in my head now... tink I need to sleep....

Im really looking forward to the post-L201 exam period! Arrrr... still abit long siah! How come not here yet? However, studying is the best as it gives me the perfect excuse to eat chocolates to relieve stress! Hehe... just stock up like 2 packs of M&Ms and Hershey kisses, yum~

Finally done wif my X220 sessions! Yeah undisturbed thurs for me to come! After my law classes on thurs I can jump back to bed fer my extended nite's rest... hehe... getting lazier by the day...

Oh yea ASU is organizing the sports event on 5,6 Nov. Well cant wait! At least some activities to get involved in after exams. Coup in my dorm like some sick bird; need more exercise! Speaking of which, will join IU swim club fer some swimming sports. At least that gives me the reason to workout (and not eat whole day!)

Still abit sore by not able to enjoy Halloween. Shit. But den again, how many more Halloweens am I gonna see here? (Plenty)

Exam Week

2005-10-25T11:01:00.000-05:00

Just when others are about to complete their Mid Terms, mines just abt to start. Pretty sad. Still got G202 and L201 this sunday and following tue. Just wish that these 2 dun come together, cos theres just so many freaking things to rem!

Last weeks an interesting week, starting off wif my bday. The guys are really sweet to throw me a surprise party! Thanks all, esp Denise who kept insisting that I should at least attempt to celebrate. Thank you! Wouldn't forget yours when it comes ard, even if its during summer.

Pretty much overwhelmed by the number of decisions to make. Not much of a thinker, so it really gets on my nerve to decide stuff I din think of previously. Well registration of Spring courses is just this week and Im not done thinking whats going to be my selection yet. Darn Im just too lazy.

Wanna share a sermon that I had in church on sunday. Its abt how we are created to become Christ-like. The analogy given by Pastor Doug is abt how a silver-smith knows whether the silver is pure or not. Simply, the smith said that if he can see his reflection in it. God gave us 3 tools to become Christ-like:

The Word in the Bible
Other people to help us
Circumstances

What is interesting the final tool of Circumstances. God, with His almighty powers, can actually take away all the sufferings, trials and tribulations that the world is suffering at the moment. However, He didn't. Simply put, it is to allow us to refine ourselves thru all these and try to achieve more Christ-like. Since Christ is the Perfect resemblance of the Holy Father, that will be the ultimate aim of these troubles that we are getting.

I dunno if I put it across well. But I do enjoy this sermon alot cos it assures me of His presence even in this darkening hour of the world in our lives. Praise to Him forever!

Well I better get back to my readings now. Think this week will be a tiring week, esp with so much to catch up. Itching fer a nap....

Deo Gracias (Angel)

2005-10-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

Think its the stroke of midnight that I started to write this, so first and foremost, happy birthday to myself! And so it is, the inevitable of age and time has overcome me yet again. Twenty-three of age, single and very much confused about myself. Pretty sad, but hell, dun really care. I always believe there's a time and place for everything, maybe its just my time aint here yet.

Angel was damn sweet. Took the effort to send a present all the way from Spore. Well shes one of a kind; sweet, understanding and cute. What more can a guy wants? Unfortunately, shes attached. Not interested in attached gerls cos I believe in Karma. But how I wish I can be in Spore now to have a nice meal with her...

Honestly I wasnt expecting anything from anyone. Seriously. I am so used to having work (or plan) fer what I own and use, and that I am such a low key person that birthdays dont matter much to me. Kinda numb abt that, rem that I used to get really sad abt how life can be unfair. Unfair as it is, guess that I am on terms with it. No point getting mad or sad, just be indifferent.

Think I need to set a resolution for my birthday rite? haha you still believe in that? Well I don't. But anyhow, I will still set one: I want to be different from who I am as of now. And I wanna look back and tell myself that my 23rd birthday is my turning point. May it be good or bad, I dun really care. Just different. Mess up my life or watsoever, dun give a damn. Simply put, I'm so bored with myself. Time fer a change.

I wanna thank God fer all that He has provide fer me throughout this phase of my life, bringing me so far to date. I wanna thank Him fer the people beside me, and fer the people who really do care abt this insignificant being who happen to be just a statistic. I dunno if I ever made a difference to anyone if I do not exist, or that anyone would care (except my dear grandma, my mom in heaven and dad). But I daresay that God has a plan fer me, and He will execute it no matter what I say or feel. Deo Gracias.

I oso want to have a special prayer. Dear God, pls let there be no more suffering in the world. Disasters and attacks are reported so often; do we deserve that Lord? Lord, I pray fer the people still suffering from the disasters. Help them find strenght in midst of suffering and help them find You Lord. Grant them the unbreakable spirit to carry on their lives. Also to the people around me, Lord. Help them find peace and love around them, and stay happy always. Let them find You, and let them see that You are The One. To my family afar; though I am not a person of too much words, Lord I pray that they are healthy and fine. I do not know how to convey to them but I do love them alot. More than words. Well guess it will just be hidden somewhere in the corner of my heart. Anyway Lord, grant them the wisdom to go along Your path. Thank you Lord. In Jesus Most Precious Name, Amen.

Deo Gracias for Angel, my family and people who care. Deo Gracias.

oni-chan

2005-10-17T16:01:00.000-05:00

Well I wouldn't believe either, but I just got a sister. Not that my dad had some fling with a Mainland chick and produced one; I got it here....... None other than the lovely, cute, ever-understanding fellow freshman, Louisa! Hahaha... we were like chatting over MSN and she was telling me how she wanted a brother ard here. Well, since my dad had 4 unsccessful chances of having a daughter and I wanted a sister (after me, my dad failed to produce in 3 consecutive row), well I've got a sis! How cool can that be? Having a relation here is just what I need, at least someone to care and concern abt (I miss home!). My status now is Oni-chan (big bro) and full-time mugger and no-lifer.

Speaking of which, I finally submitted my English portfolio and proud to say that I can rest till wed b4 I start my engine on G202 assignment. Hell, I'm looking forward to sleeeeep throughout the entire day tml and possibly catch a movie or something (oh, my fav pasttime!); possibly Elizerbethtown or some other romantic comedy (fav genre). Need something slow and touchy-feely and bring me into the unrealistic, fantasy world of L-O-V-E that doesn't happen in the real world; all these before I throw myself into the harsh, cruel, sadistic and no-mercy world that I currently live in. Pretty dark, and yeah I'm exaggerating.

Went to Fosters to check out on vacancies fer jobs. Well turn out that there isnt any at this point so I just gotta wait patiently fer it. Sis mentioned that there is a way to get the licence without using Social Security Number (SSN) and I do hope I can get it before Xmas. Now here's the stupid part: you are allowed to take the tests BUT not allowed to drive, rent or own a car. WTF you need a licence when you cannot do all that?? Thus my plan: get licence first W/O SSN before Xmas, and possibly during this period I can get a job (Foster, pls!) and my SSN will come. Well sounds like a plan. Actionability is still a question mark. The boss at Fosters is pretty easy-going and said will contact me soon, if theres any vacancies. Well, hope I can get to work wif xiao mei and the rest of the indos. Will be fun!

Got my M118 results back. And feel the constant need to slap myself a zillion times fer being careless. HOW OFTEN do you get a student who PUTS THE WRONG ANSWER into the options when HIS ANSWER/WORKING IS CORRECT? I did it fer both m118 tests. Aint I fantastic or wat?!? Well I did improve thou; from 2 questions filling wrongly to 1. *Applause* I'm currently praying ALOT that my A100 is not like this! (Pls Lord, not this paper! Not ever!)

Gotta read my stuff liao. More nonsense coming up later at nite! LaterZ

The Simple Life

2005-10-16T23:39:00.000-05:00

I realize that I have not been blogging much these days. Well perhaps just due to laziness and that I just cannot find the time to really sit down to enjoy some quiet time. Well fer starters I'm just done wif my M118 yesterday, and today with A100. The good thing abt it is that A100 is done for the semester, and so is Tiller in my life. (Well, I just pray I will not get him fer my other accounting classes cos he suck. He should be some high-roller farmer and sit ard to enjoy the rest of his life; not to come here to teach fer leisure at the students' expense) SOO it translate that fer Mon and Wed I will be waking up at 9 plus fer M118 classes. Speaking of which, I need to check the grades fer it later...

This week seems to fly by super fast! Maybe the most interesting event will be the farm trip that I had on Friday with the SSA. Well I have not uploaded the pics, but I'm sure gonna do it tml after I'm done with my stupid W131 portfolio! Shit man, that lady din even post what to put in into the portfolio; how to expect me to know??? OK sidetrack too much liao... aniwae the trip started out in the evening where we carpooled at tulip tree. A number of us (12 in fact) took a short ride (not fer weiyi's car; caught in jam! haha) to a nearby cattle farm. Well its not realli the first time fer me to go to a farm, but its a different experience to go to one in US. Aniwae the hosts there are very nice and happy to break their routine life in the farm by explaining some general stuff abt what they have on it. Got to see this BIG dog whose prob a little shorter than me if he stands up.

Well the interesting part is to see the cows, and feeding them. Well at first when we took this hay trailer into the pen, I was curious why the cows are after the trailer. Then I realize that on the trailer, we had some buckets of corns which they love to have. When the trailer stop, all hell break loose. NEVER will you see so many of them coming so close to you fer a knob of corn. Well they actually manage to drool on my shoes, pretty disgusting esp with the flies ard them. Hey I'm a city guy man. What you expect? I pretty much see them only on my plate. Well Eugene did have some interesting thoughts about feeding them beef (which I realize that its how Mad Cow Disease started). When the trailer left, I was pretty relieved. Well only to see eugene holding a knob of corn waving at the bewildered cows. That pretty much got their attention, and they started moving towards the trailer at a trot. That wasnt enuff fer Eugene and he took up TWO knobs and waved it like an airplane ground control or something. hahaha pretty hilarious come to think of it. In the end, the cows got too close fer our comfort and he just threw the corn out. Hahaha... aniwae the day ended with a BBQ (Thanks to Denise, Weiyi and Lynn fer their great efforts!!) and we had some pretty good BBQ.

So much fer the week! Well I tink I shld blog more often to say some shit. But I need to do my laundry now, so takecare pple!

Stress free

2005-10-11T00:34:00.000-05:00

Anor wasted weekend. I wonder how many can I accumulate before I start to panic and cry over spilled milk as always. Hmm... Aniwae theres A100 on Sunday (who gives exams on Sunday?) and M118 on Saturday (OMG, heres anor one~) that I have to complete fer the week. Basically it means studying throughout the week and no (extra) rest involve. Tink I rest too much liao. Yeah talk abt stress free... FOC (since my brudder stewie is talking abt free stuff in his latest entry, citing that the best thing in life is free). Yeah bro, I agree to a certain extent but free stress isnt what I am looking fer in the package.

Its really sad to hear the earthquake in Pakistan/ India region is so devastating. More than 20,000 feared dead (well Yahoo Singapore puts it up to 40,000). Haven't we seen enough of disasters already? First theres Katrina, next up Rita. Got the dreaded tsunami not long ago and just read that New Hemsphere is having some flood that took away 10 lives. Dear God, please let us live a little more stable without so much disasters befallen on us.

I am just looking forward to have both X220 and A100 to be completed and I will be left with 4 courses! Yeah~ more time to sleep! I feel that the cold weather has a big part to play fer me to sleep more everyday. I'm feeling really lethagic these days and I'm not concentrating that well. But kinda like this weather (not anymore colder, please?) which can get really cosy to sleep into.
These few days I was pondering abt whether to get a car or not. Necessity vs. Luxury? Well if I am living off campus that will be some necessity, and alot more convenience to get around. But den its on campus fer at least these coming 2 years. So not much diff lah. Aiyah I din even get my driving licence yet talk so much! Haha... planning too far ahead! Aniwae it will be nice to have one around. Still got alot more to do (and plan... again) before can get to that stage.

Ok gotta study... again. Cant get anything in leh. Shit. Maybe I'm just too tired. Ciaoz~

Oh my aching heart!

2005-10-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

Realized that I have not blogged fer days... partly cos alot of my time now is devoted to sleeping and I have not idea y I sleep so much these days. Prob my good fren Jin would say, "Well bears hibernate during the colder season." Haha.... miss my bros so much! Sad to say they are diverted to many parts of the world; and hopefully I see one day we can meet up again fer some good food and another round of chat.

Just got off class from X220 and heard that I'm getting a mock interview by some senior from the business school. However, L said that some of my seniors dun even know wat they are doing the whole time in IU. Thats pretty sad, considering thats 4 yrs of their time (and money, even thou they dun pay as much) in a fine institute and got nothing out of it. Which brings the question back to myself: Have I got my goals in motion? Dun luff at others but neglect the fact that they start off from the same spot as I am doing rite now.

Discussion today is about intern and education abroad. Well I do wanna to try going abroad to experience life there, but somehow I feel its gonna extend my time in university. And I'm not getting any younger (couple more days to 23...) Plus they mentioned that I am supposed to complete I-core before even applying fer it, so maybe by that time the idea will be scrapped? Its a sight to behold, like how the panel mentioned, to see the sights and beauty of where Dan Brown described in "Angels and Demons" or "The Da Vinci Code". Ancient architecture, myth and the whole meaning of greek life that existed thousands of years ago; all that I wanna see and feel, an experience to that may mean alot to me. Hmm... maybe I should include that in my plans? Heh...

Oh yeah its my fren Allen's bday in abt 2 hrs time to turn 20. Hope all his wishes come true! 20 is a cool age, I vaguely rem wat I was doing when I was 20.... except the time I spent wif XY. Hmm... aniwae feels good to be young so treasure it! Do something radical, try something new. Watever that makes you feel alive, just do it! As chinese says, being young is your capital in this world. Aniwae Happy Birthday Allen (in advance...)

Seems like I have a ton of things to go through these days but absolutely no interest in doing anything. Prob like wat Landry said, theres no point having so much drive with regards to work. Somehow or rather, you will come on top of things. (Frankly I dun realli believe in that) Life's being to feel like a drag; first puff it may be fun and exciting, later on u just keep on taking drags just out of habitual sake. No thrill, no cool image to portray, just systematic and routine procedures.

Beginning to comtemplate the tot of getting home earlier, so that at least I can enjoy some warmth in Spore ( btw, even if i return in spring break, it will the monsoon season there... wats the point?) Ok I am starting to form a wish-list that I wanna get IF my brothers can be so nice as to get them and mai it to me, which I doubt it. A little incentive maybe can do the trick... (pretty sad, how come the economic rule of "people respond to incentives" can even apply to my own brothers??) I am adding items to it everyday so much so that if I complete to a certain number, I tink I can justify myself to ask them mail it over. Not that I am inadequately provided, just feel like improving on my current situation. Nothing wrong rite?

I am getting like 50 - 60F weather here wif nice cold breeze, pretty cooling to start off with. Get to wear my new Fall clothes and prove to be some good investment considering the weather I have to put up against. Really hope to get more.... haha.... hopefully Fandy or Eugene is not reading this (they accompanied me to shop and fer the first time, they saw a guy outshop a gerl and still looking fer more....) Well nothing wrong rite? Retail therapy fer me! Feel that its time to snap more photos of the campus, sending it back to Dad. At least that keeps me occupied. Watever makes me happy.....

So much fer an overdue blog. Tml is IU's Homecoming! Looking forward to it and hopefully can snap some memorable photos to display! Got W131 work to do... ciaoz!

Short Weekends

2005-10-02T13:02:00.000-05:00

On Friday, I had a very frustrating encounter with biasness against us Asians here. I attended this lecture for my X220 class and it was 8am when it started. Din get any sleep, I found it hard to concentrate to listen to the nonsense from the alumni panel which I have absolutely no interest in. Thus, I gave in to sleep and started nodding away. I've got this Korean fren who sat beside me. Instead of being discreet about his sleeping, he basically curled up and slept throughout the lecture. Ok... very noticeable action that got me caught as well (I was trained to sleep discreetly btw.) However, I noticed that along the aisle there are MANY who are nodding away or doing other stuff i.e. figuring out crossword puzzles and stuff. Thus when we were due to leave, the instructor standing by the door was stopping me and my fren to take away the credit for attending the lecture (cards were given out for attendance of the lecture for credits) for sleeping in lecture. I mean, I acknowledged that I'm at fault for sleeping. But what about the others? So its right to pull out your homework to do during the lecture? Anyway I was pretty pissed about it; it was pretty obvious that they are selective in catching those who did not pay attention to the lecture. Screw the IU system!

Fortunately, I got a fren whose got TWO cards. Heh... another administrative bludder by IU. Well, in any case I think I should ask someone to get the cards for me during lectures to save my bloody time attending something thats irrelevant to me.

Went to the apartment center to apply for an apartment for spring '06. I went there at ard 1140pm and the time stated on the door was 12pm - 1pm lunch break; well apparently the ppl inside were ready for some Friday pinic before I rudely intruded into their preparation. Well excuse me, lunch starts at 12pm! I walked in to see this black woman holding ham and some ice cubes. Din bother about her lunch prep, I asked her abt the apartment availability and just got a curt "No space." Feeling abit frustrated by their lousy service, I asked for a place in the waitlist. She just retorted, "Oh, the application period for spring is not ready... So theres no point putting down your name." Ok, screw you bitch! I just turned and walked out the door without closing behind me. And I could still hear them saying, "He din even close the door." Hello? Its on purpose cos I'm pissed!

To celebrate the end of the first chain of exams, I went to Domo at 3rd Street with Fandy and Weiyi fer some Jap food. Its pretty nice, but very pricy (Ok I'm comparing to Spore standards, which means I can have my fav sashimi buffet and have change fer taxi back home.) Oh well, I din bother much about the price cos I just wanna eat some nice stuff after my gym wif weiyi which we ran 3 miles again. Anyway, saw my fren whose throwing a Korean bday party downstairs with lots of cute korean chicks. Shit man, shld have gone in with him! haha...

Yesterday was insane. I did area-cleaning for my dorm and feeling damn satisfied now its clean and liveable. After which, I went collegemall with Fandy to shop for some Fall clothes that I feel I lacked of. I shouldnt even have started. 3 and a half hr later, I ended with 2 big bags of clothes and burnt a total of USD 241.66 into my pocket. Ouch. Eugene joined us later and added that next week his dad wanna bring him to Edinburgh to buy winter stuff. Shit. Another shopping trip. This is really bad man... gotta stop this or I can't go to NY during winter break (stuck in B-town during Xmas is pretty sad.)

Talkin about shopping, I need a pair of decent shoes. Ok, I know I spent alot liao but I just want a pair of shoes. And a pair of boots. And a nice, warm winter jacket. And a..... ok enuff already! Just these.... which means anor USD 300 gone.... Shit. Anyway tink I will decide by today so I can get them when the next weekend comes ard.

I feel the effect of a shrinking weekend. Instead of having 48 hr of rest and relax, I am laden with work and unable to take a stroll down the lovely school to snap some photos of the coming Fall. Trees are turning a different shade and its getting rather cold now; really wish to stay this way the entire way. Wishful thinking on my part. Wassup with exams during the weekends? On Oct 15 and 16 (Sat and Sun) I got my Mid term exams for Maths and Accounts. Shit man, issit necessary?? After I burnt my weekends, its back to the same monotonous routine of studying. Spare me pls! Thx giving breaks, pls arrive earlier so that I do not have X220 and A100 anymore! 3 more weeks for A100 and 5 more for X220 before I can fully concentrate on the rest. Sweet~

Anyway enough of complaining. I got like a ton to read and hmwk to complete. Later still got run with Eugene... Oh no... dunno if my kneecap can support a 7-mile run. Yeah laterz~

Penguin Love

2005-09-28T23:49:00.000-05:00

March of the Penguins is so touching!

What may seem routine to the emperor penguins is an ultimate act of love for us. Waddling miles under harsh conditions, risking their lives from predators and starving themselves for the sake of their young: simply incredible for me! Even though Nature goes through its elimination process for those who survived, there are still some who manage to survive to continue this grand enterprise of marching into unknown danger for the sake of repeating the process.

I just have this soft spot for animals. Just simply cant help it! I have this vcd at home called Quill. It is about this dog whose purpose is to be trained to be eyes for the blind. I sobbed like nobody's business fer this show. Really touching show (no joke) and strongly recommended (by me) fer all to wet ur eyes.

When I stepped out of the theatre, it was freezing!!! Thank goodness Denise came to save us from the harsh weather or we will be like the eliminated penguins in the show. Thanks Denise!!! I still cannot understand the funny weather here. It was very warm in the day and to the extent of cold at nite (heard it was 9 degrees... brrr!) Well (1) looks like I need to check out the weather forecast each time I step out of my dorm (2) I need more warm clothings!!! One sweat shirt and some jackets not enuff! (ok it is just some cheap excuse to go shop)

Aniwae handed in my portfolio fer English only to realize in class that I have not done corrections to one of my summary. Shit. Aiyah heck care! Hand up liao still can do wat? Oh thank goodness she din agree to come today. But I can see that by my asking her somehow scares her away. Am I pressing too hard? I'm not even trying! Ha... I will back down from it man... Know my limits!

Heard tmw got cha kuay teow at Denise's place! Woahh... even though I am not a big fan fer such food, but anything to savor something that taste like home! Its scarse here in Bloomington, unless you cook yourself. (which is beyond me) Shit I am not done wif maths and X220 yet... late night I guess.

Sleepless...

2005-09-28T02:15:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep. And I'm dead hungry.

Maybe its because I slept fer like 6 hrs straight when I hit back dorm? Haha... Law exam did not turn out as great as I thought, partly cos I can't think straight from studying 16 hrs straight of intensive law. Well I din like that taste of not sleeping before exams, aint feel right. I am SUPPOSED to be prepared instead of prep at the last min. Besides, I have allocated more time than I needed; why is this turned out like that?

Poor time management.

Even know, I should be completing my English portfolio and X220 projects due tmw. But what the heck, don't give a shit man. I feel free, and intend to maintain that feeling fer the rest of the week. Looking forward to catch a movie tmw at Collegemall. Its like, what, 2 mths since my last movie? I have been deprived of one of my fav pasttime since I came here. Well, make that 2 cos I can't get my chinese comics here. Shiiiiiiit. There aint much to walk ard here either.

Went to BankOne to settle my banking stuff. Walked down kirkwood avenue and managed to snap some shots of the townhall. Well thats the only building that is worth taking, but its one cosy town (in the summer). Was pretty pissed by the inefficiency of the US banking system, and I can safely say that the efficiency in Singapore is much much better. Different work attitude. Can't blame, we asians are born more hardworking.

Went advising today too. Well I cannot say whether my advisor knows her stuff or not, cos she sometimes hesitates before talking to me. And the information she provided seems so umbiguous. Well, I do hope that my time table fer next sem is better, as she mentioned that a transfer student has more priority to select the class. 81.5 credits transfered, but still a freshman as Rahul pointed out. Sad but true. Its good that I am getting some refresher course like accounts; but just wish that I need not do more than necessary.

I am anor yr old in 21 days' time.

Fancy spending bday in States. So will my next 2 bdays. Well I will pick out my nice pressie fer myself! Heehee... thank goodness that at least there is Collegemall fer me to shop ard. Hollister, here I come! Its terribly ex to get stuff here, but wat the heck. Stress therapy - Shopping! haha... sounds like a gerl.... wait.... this activity does not limits to a single gender. Aniwae hope things go smoothly tmw and I get to catch March of the Penguins.

Just paid my cell phone bills, $137.47 in all. Shit man.

Ok I feel sleep coming over me. Gotta sleep or I can't wake up tmw fer A100. Sleeeeep....