Sunday, May 21, 2006
Somewhere I belong
I have written a blog in the past about this topic, about where I belong where I can call home. Now I just do not know anymore.
These past 2 weeks have been great. Since I touchdown in Singapore 2 weeks ago, I am going out wif this gerl. How to describe her? When I am with her, I feel that I have someone I can talk to. Someone who understands my internal plight and the bottled sorrows that I am constantly drunk in. She is a gerl with her own set of problems. And we share the personal trait of not troubling other people with our worries and problems. But when I am with her, these problems naturally go away. I feel so happy with her around and the little things that she has done fer me. And fer all that, she is not expecting any return whatsoever. How can any guy who meets such a gerl do not fall fer her?
I fell. Hard. Freefallin down the bottomless pit. On the second date I told her that I like her alot. And we begin to be estangled in this dead knot. I have been waiting fer the right one to appear fer so long, and deep down inside, I knew shes the one. She is the one who can truly understand what I am going through, and shower the comfort that I so longed for. She is the funny gerl who never fails to crack me up even in the deepest uneasiness. She is the one who buys cute stuff fer me that I treasure from the bottom of my heart. She is the gerl whose smile never fails to captivate me. She pulls my heart strings like I never felt before. She.
From that day I know I have entered into a dream. Something that I have not felt since I broke off with Xinyi. How could someone fall so hard in such a short time, I was asked. I dunno, I just felt it. I wish I need not wake up from this dream. A dream that exist only in fairytales, in your regular comic books. But when it happens to you, you just feel it. No escaping, no dunking. It just hit you right smack in the middle of your chest. It is a beautiful dream. I wish I never have to wake up.
For the past few weeks I am having 3-hr sleep per day. Talking to her on the phone, thinking of her, making her stuff, going out with her; my life revolves around her. I look at my cell phone every minute hoping she will call or msg, and I look forward to meet her everytime we plan to meet. I never regret not having enough rest, nor complain about it. I was never so hardworking for a relationship ever in my life. I feel that I have been waiting fer this the whole while. Grades isnt what I want, nor a comfortable life, good job; all these are secondary to me, secondary to the happiness that is derived from a relationship. I thought I found it. I did.
I am not a fantastic guy, nor someone who people will shun. I am just an average guy. With her, I gave everything that I have, everything that I can. Attention, comfort, surprise, a listening ear, laughter, and hopefully happiness. She calls me a nice guy, someone who is honest and straightforward. At least that is how much she trust me. But shes not ready fer a relationship, she tells me. She needs time to be alone. Okay, cool with me. There are times when I am very persistent fer an answer, but I learn to take a step back. To give her the space she needs, her freedom to make a choice. But apparently, she needs more. More time to go through her problems, more time to be alone. I honor that. I say I will wait. 1 month, 3 months, a year, 2 years, maybe more. I will wait fer her.
I was chided by my friends for being foolish. And many of you will think the same way. But I will like to ask: have you ever met a gerl whose presence simply takes your breath away? Or someone you know you will definitely be happy with? If you have not, I suppose your judgement is skewed and its better not fer you to pass your expectations on me. I told her I will wait. I know that I am studying in the States and could not be with her always. I know that the distance makes a difference to our relationship. And I am willing to give up all that. I am ready to write the email to quit school, I am willing to stay in Singapore. I just didnt find the heart to tell her that, because she will not allow it. Things will work our way, I told her. I can make things work. And I will be there to spoil her, pamper her, attend to her, comfort her, to love her. All these, if she says yes.
Being like me, she didnt want me to wait. She says the problem lies with her and not me. I wish to share the problem with her. I want to be there fer her. She refused. She just didnt want me to wait. She tells me that I am a nice guy, and deserve someone better than her. I chided her, and ask her if it is the new way to reject a guy. Cold laughter. The wait will be worthwhile, cos I can pursue my dreams while she can think about what she wants. I will wait.
Yesterday night she went to party. Being worried fer her going out with only gerls, I told her to call me if she needs someone to be there should they drank alot. She loves to hang around with her friends, and I learn to give leeway. Fell asleep, only to be woken up by her call at 2am. I read her msg that she needs help. Within 10minutes I was out the door hailing a cab. I frantically ask the cab driver to speed, fearing that she may be in some difficult spot. Within 15minutes I found her outside the club half drunk. I sent her up the cab and was supposed to bring her home. She asked to stop the car halfway. Bringing her down, I went to get a bottle of water from the nearby petrol station. Apparently someone bought her a bottle of wine and spiked it. I thank God that I arrived in time to discover it and no harm was done. Really thank the Lord fer it. She needs to sober up and ask to take a walk. Well after all we walked down stretch of Orchard Rd before, whats new? She held my hand and ask to hug me. Even though I knew that when she wakes up the next morning, she will forget about this. It will all be just a good dream. I obliged. And I was clear headed enough not to take advantage of the situation, becuase I know that it will only make my conscience unclear and my scar to be deeper. Throughout our 2-hr walk, we walked, hugged and hold hands in the cool night. I can never forget the smell on her hair and skin, even though I joked that she smells of tequila. I was intoxicated. The way she placed her head on my chest, the way she snuggle up to me, the way she hold me close, it was heavily imprinted in my head. I do not want to let go, but I know that this will be just a dream for me. A dream that will last till the moment I sent her to the door. Till the moment she wakes up. Till the moment she forgets everything that has happened that night. I longed fer God to prolong the night, but knowing that it will not last cos shes just exhausted. Exhausted from keeping herself busy to forget her worries, tired from her internal problems. I held her closer at the thought of her suffering herself. It really pains me seeing that. But she only wants me to hug her, not to share that problems. She wants a friend, not another commitment.
Today ends it all. As I turn and walk off from her car, the whole world crashes on me. i do not know what to feel, nor how to act. Logical reasoning fails me, my emotions uncontrollable. As she look me in the eye and tells me not to wait for her, not to think of her, and to find other gerls instead of her, I felt cold, devastated and isolated. I do not know where I should go, or where I belong. I'm just lost. She made me promise her not to wait fer her, and not to think about her, even more so, not to give her anything. Do not treat her with care and concern. Do not shower her with attention. I was blocked out. She says its her problem, not mine. She held my hand and placed her hand on my chest. But she was determined. I could not stop her, could not change her mind, could not reason with her. Everything of me fails. My world is spinning around, and my heart is cold. I do not know what I want anymore. I just want to be alone. I do not wish to return to the States any more. And fuck care the problems that I am having right now. My heart is heavy, and I wish to cry. Tears fail me as well. My attitude is indifferent. I do not know what I care any longer. I just wish to be isolated. From the world, from my friends, from my family, from the society. I need to shut myself up. I just dun care any more. I just dunno where I can go. And fer all that? I blame myself fer it. Entirely.
Even now, the imprints of her hugging me flashes past my mind, the way she put her nose on my chest to take a wisp of me, and the way she looks at me. I cant control those images. I cant stop my mind. I cant hold on to my sinking heart, which is chilled beyond what I ever felt before. I do not want anything. Not education, not job security, not anything. I do not want to return, my desire to return simply fails me. I know I will disappoint many, but I just dun care. Nothing matters any longer. No one matters to me. I do not need judgement, nor do I bother to meet expectations. Stop all my contacts. My heart do not feel for anything any longer. I am simply too deep into this. And all myself to blame.
Lifes an irony. For the things you work so hard for, sometimes you just do not get the returns. For what you deemed as constant, life throws a curve ball at you and the only constant is change. There is no stability, nor definite answers in life. At one time you are leading a comfortable life, next you are on the streets. And when life brings you the one gerl you truly like, it robs you of that happiness that you so longed for. How do you pick yourself up when you are continuingly freefallin into the abyss? Some people talk about hitting rock bottom. But where is the end? The tunnel seems so dark, dark as death. No one around, you are on the lonely road. Boulevard of broken dreams seem to sum up this walk, except I cant even find my own shadow to accompany me. My heart is just heavy, chained to the weights that pulls it down down down down. But I couldnt care less. I do not wish to see the light any more. I wish to end it.
Of my life, I have been through ups and downs. Of shattered dreams and broken hearts. Of sorrow and despair. Of darkness and light. But each time I walk pass it, because my heart wills to do so. But I am sure this is it. This is the end, cos my heart, mind and flesh is dead. I do not know what I live for, nor what I treasure. I am a lost cause. Another shattered ship in the ocean. There is nothing I care for that could repair that damage. All else is secondary. And I just wish to be alone.
And all I ask, is this: do you ever like me, or am I just another guy who is walking past your life? Was that hug out of gratitude, or for you liking me as I am?
I want to know. Before all these are over for me.
These past 2 weeks have been great. Since I touchdown in Singapore 2 weeks ago, I am going out wif this gerl. How to describe her? When I am with her, I feel that I have someone I can talk to. Someone who understands my internal plight and the bottled sorrows that I am constantly drunk in. She is a gerl with her own set of problems. And we share the personal trait of not troubling other people with our worries and problems. But when I am with her, these problems naturally go away. I feel so happy with her around and the little things that she has done fer me. And fer all that, she is not expecting any return whatsoever. How can any guy who meets such a gerl do not fall fer her?
I fell. Hard. Freefallin down the bottomless pit. On the second date I told her that I like her alot. And we begin to be estangled in this dead knot. I have been waiting fer the right one to appear fer so long, and deep down inside, I knew shes the one. She is the one who can truly understand what I am going through, and shower the comfort that I so longed for. She is the funny gerl who never fails to crack me up even in the deepest uneasiness. She is the one who buys cute stuff fer me that I treasure from the bottom of my heart. She is the gerl whose smile never fails to captivate me. She pulls my heart strings like I never felt before. She.
From that day I know I have entered into a dream. Something that I have not felt since I broke off with Xinyi. How could someone fall so hard in such a short time, I was asked. I dunno, I just felt it. I wish I need not wake up from this dream. A dream that exist only in fairytales, in your regular comic books. But when it happens to you, you just feel it. No escaping, no dunking. It just hit you right smack in the middle of your chest. It is a beautiful dream. I wish I never have to wake up.
For the past few weeks I am having 3-hr sleep per day. Talking to her on the phone, thinking of her, making her stuff, going out with her; my life revolves around her. I look at my cell phone every minute hoping she will call or msg, and I look forward to meet her everytime we plan to meet. I never regret not having enough rest, nor complain about it. I was never so hardworking for a relationship ever in my life. I feel that I have been waiting fer this the whole while. Grades isnt what I want, nor a comfortable life, good job; all these are secondary to me, secondary to the happiness that is derived from a relationship. I thought I found it. I did.
I am not a fantastic guy, nor someone who people will shun. I am just an average guy. With her, I gave everything that I have, everything that I can. Attention, comfort, surprise, a listening ear, laughter, and hopefully happiness. She calls me a nice guy, someone who is honest and straightforward. At least that is how much she trust me. But shes not ready fer a relationship, she tells me. She needs time to be alone. Okay, cool with me. There are times when I am very persistent fer an answer, but I learn to take a step back. To give her the space she needs, her freedom to make a choice. But apparently, she needs more. More time to go through her problems, more time to be alone. I honor that. I say I will wait. 1 month, 3 months, a year, 2 years, maybe more. I will wait fer her.
I was chided by my friends for being foolish. And many of you will think the same way. But I will like to ask: have you ever met a gerl whose presence simply takes your breath away? Or someone you know you will definitely be happy with? If you have not, I suppose your judgement is skewed and its better not fer you to pass your expectations on me. I told her I will wait. I know that I am studying in the States and could not be with her always. I know that the distance makes a difference to our relationship. And I am willing to give up all that. I am ready to write the email to quit school, I am willing to stay in Singapore. I just didnt find the heart to tell her that, because she will not allow it. Things will work our way, I told her. I can make things work. And I will be there to spoil her, pamper her, attend to her, comfort her, to love her. All these, if she says yes.
Being like me, she didnt want me to wait. She says the problem lies with her and not me. I wish to share the problem with her. I want to be there fer her. She refused. She just didnt want me to wait. She tells me that I am a nice guy, and deserve someone better than her. I chided her, and ask her if it is the new way to reject a guy. Cold laughter. The wait will be worthwhile, cos I can pursue my dreams while she can think about what she wants. I will wait.
Yesterday night she went to party. Being worried fer her going out with only gerls, I told her to call me if she needs someone to be there should they drank alot. She loves to hang around with her friends, and I learn to give leeway. Fell asleep, only to be woken up by her call at 2am. I read her msg that she needs help. Within 10minutes I was out the door hailing a cab. I frantically ask the cab driver to speed, fearing that she may be in some difficult spot. Within 15minutes I found her outside the club half drunk. I sent her up the cab and was supposed to bring her home. She asked to stop the car halfway. Bringing her down, I went to get a bottle of water from the nearby petrol station. Apparently someone bought her a bottle of wine and spiked it. I thank God that I arrived in time to discover it and no harm was done. Really thank the Lord fer it. She needs to sober up and ask to take a walk. Well after all we walked down stretch of Orchard Rd before, whats new? She held my hand and ask to hug me. Even though I knew that when she wakes up the next morning, she will forget about this. It will all be just a good dream. I obliged. And I was clear headed enough not to take advantage of the situation, becuase I know that it will only make my conscience unclear and my scar to be deeper. Throughout our 2-hr walk, we walked, hugged and hold hands in the cool night. I can never forget the smell on her hair and skin, even though I joked that she smells of tequila. I was intoxicated. The way she placed her head on my chest, the way she snuggle up to me, the way she hold me close, it was heavily imprinted in my head. I do not want to let go, but I know that this will be just a dream for me. A dream that will last till the moment I sent her to the door. Till the moment she wakes up. Till the moment she forgets everything that has happened that night. I longed fer God to prolong the night, but knowing that it will not last cos shes just exhausted. Exhausted from keeping herself busy to forget her worries, tired from her internal problems. I held her closer at the thought of her suffering herself. It really pains me seeing that. But she only wants me to hug her, not to share that problems. She wants a friend, not another commitment.
Today ends it all. As I turn and walk off from her car, the whole world crashes on me. i do not know what to feel, nor how to act. Logical reasoning fails me, my emotions uncontrollable. As she look me in the eye and tells me not to wait for her, not to think of her, and to find other gerls instead of her, I felt cold, devastated and isolated. I do not know where I should go, or where I belong. I'm just lost. She made me promise her not to wait fer her, and not to think about her, even more so, not to give her anything. Do not treat her with care and concern. Do not shower her with attention. I was blocked out. She says its her problem, not mine. She held my hand and placed her hand on my chest. But she was determined. I could not stop her, could not change her mind, could not reason with her. Everything of me fails. My world is spinning around, and my heart is cold. I do not know what I want anymore. I just want to be alone. I do not wish to return to the States any more. And fuck care the problems that I am having right now. My heart is heavy, and I wish to cry. Tears fail me as well. My attitude is indifferent. I do not know what I care any longer. I just wish to be isolated. From the world, from my friends, from my family, from the society. I need to shut myself up. I just dun care any more. I just dunno where I can go. And fer all that? I blame myself fer it. Entirely.
Even now, the imprints of her hugging me flashes past my mind, the way she put her nose on my chest to take a wisp of me, and the way she looks at me. I cant control those images. I cant stop my mind. I cant hold on to my sinking heart, which is chilled beyond what I ever felt before. I do not want anything. Not education, not job security, not anything. I do not want to return, my desire to return simply fails me. I know I will disappoint many, but I just dun care. Nothing matters any longer. No one matters to me. I do not need judgement, nor do I bother to meet expectations. Stop all my contacts. My heart do not feel for anything any longer. I am simply too deep into this. And all myself to blame.
Lifes an irony. For the things you work so hard for, sometimes you just do not get the returns. For what you deemed as constant, life throws a curve ball at you and the only constant is change. There is no stability, nor definite answers in life. At one time you are leading a comfortable life, next you are on the streets. And when life brings you the one gerl you truly like, it robs you of that happiness that you so longed for. How do you pick yourself up when you are continuingly freefallin into the abyss? Some people talk about hitting rock bottom. But where is the end? The tunnel seems so dark, dark as death. No one around, you are on the lonely road. Boulevard of broken dreams seem to sum up this walk, except I cant even find my own shadow to accompany me. My heart is just heavy, chained to the weights that pulls it down down down down. But I couldnt care less. I do not wish to see the light any more. I wish to end it.
Of my life, I have been through ups and downs. Of shattered dreams and broken hearts. Of sorrow and despair. Of darkness and light. But each time I walk pass it, because my heart wills to do so. But I am sure this is it. This is the end, cos my heart, mind and flesh is dead. I do not know what I live for, nor what I treasure. I am a lost cause. Another shattered ship in the ocean. There is nothing I care for that could repair that damage. All else is secondary. And I just wish to be alone.
And all I ask, is this: do you ever like me, or am I just another guy who is walking past your life? Was that hug out of gratitude, or for you liking me as I am?
I want to know. Before all these are over for me.
# posted by gougou @ 8:25 AM 
