Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Jaded
These past few days have been blurry to me, with events just flying past me and hours don't even seem to exist. I had a fabulous weekend, thanks to you. There are times when I really wish to relive the moments, just a specific timeframe of a few hours and not more. But guess I can't control time and it always slips past my grasp.
"Some dances to remember, some dances to forget."
Sometimes when you expect to get out of something, you receive nothing at all. No matter how much effort you put in, no matter how much you believe in yourself or in that fictious idea up in your head, you will still derive nothing. In life, I always learn to put in, expect and receive. To give up certain things, or something else that you value. Life.... isn't about a barter trade, or a fair trade to begin with. Simple mechanics of economics do not apply here, unfortunately. God gave us varying talents and gifts, some have to-die-for looks or talents, while others... a little more subtle, like being nice to others. Of these, the society will value certain traits and characteristics, casting a faint light on others lesser important ones. And generally, they get forgotten. Unappreciated. Redundant to the moulded society.
"We are all just prisoners here, of our own device."
I have been told not to expect, to live for the moment, and learn when you can open up yourself to someone else. Sometimes I feel that I am living in an era that is not suited for my character; maybe somewhere medival will do myself justice. Of honor, glory and brotherhood. Codes that people live, abide and defend for. In the 21st century, I but play a small role in the huge network of people. For many, I walk past their lives and leaving little traces of myself. Some may recall who I am, or what stupid things I have done before and we all have a good laugh. For a small minority whom I call friends, I do hope I have tainted some of my ugly footprints in ur heart. But overall, in the vast complex network, I am but insignificant. Always am, and always will be. Never in my life have I ever feel important to someone, except to one particular person whom I obviously hurt. So much fer the special someone...
I need to go back to my simple life again. Maybe to where kwek once said, back to my secondary school days where we think simple, do stupid stuff and laugh it off. But I am not hiding in the shadows of my past, nor do I fear to advance into the unknown realms of my dark future. Somehow, I do not need to feel so much. I know everyone ard me is true to me, as we hold each other as brothers. I feel appreciated, liked, and .... happy. There are nothing to think about except where we should hold our next gathering. But theres obviously no turning back. Not now. But all I know is that I cant do this alone. Yes. I need company... someone to understand/share my pains, and enjoy the fruits at the end, with me. I am so jaded.
"Last thing I remember, I was running for the door. I had to find that passage back to the place I was before."
Having said all that, I gotta thank my dear Mom whose a little sick. Hope you are fine and lovin your life there, before you head back home and see me! Haha aint that bad, but you need to recover first! I just love my good friends! Always know I can depend on them, not that it happens often (or does it? hmm...)
There are so many things that call to my attention these days, esp when my duties start to haunt me! omg they just keep piling, with me absolutely no mood watsoever to start it! Oh well, fer my IU friends, I think its better to start reconsidering voting fer a new president cos obviously this one SUCK. I obviously need 1) 48hrs a day 2) to AWOL everyday from camp 3) just dun care at all. Kinda obviously I'm on (3) rite now. But guess when somethings gotta be done, I will do it. In the matter of time. hahaha...
Skipping RSM parade tml... Hate army, still do.... Good luck to Gene and my dear brother who is going in this Friday. Army sux.
"Some dances to remember, some dances to forget."
Sometimes when you expect to get out of something, you receive nothing at all. No matter how much effort you put in, no matter how much you believe in yourself or in that fictious idea up in your head, you will still derive nothing. In life, I always learn to put in, expect and receive. To give up certain things, or something else that you value. Life.... isn't about a barter trade, or a fair trade to begin with. Simple mechanics of economics do not apply here, unfortunately. God gave us varying talents and gifts, some have to-die-for looks or talents, while others... a little more subtle, like being nice to others. Of these, the society will value certain traits and characteristics, casting a faint light on others lesser important ones. And generally, they get forgotten. Unappreciated. Redundant to the moulded society.
"We are all just prisoners here, of our own device."
I have been told not to expect, to live for the moment, and learn when you can open up yourself to someone else. Sometimes I feel that I am living in an era that is not suited for my character; maybe somewhere medival will do myself justice. Of honor, glory and brotherhood. Codes that people live, abide and defend for. In the 21st century, I but play a small role in the huge network of people. For many, I walk past their lives and leaving little traces of myself. Some may recall who I am, or what stupid things I have done before and we all have a good laugh. For a small minority whom I call friends, I do hope I have tainted some of my ugly footprints in ur heart. But overall, in the vast complex network, I am but insignificant. Always am, and always will be. Never in my life have I ever feel important to someone, except to one particular person whom I obviously hurt. So much fer the special someone...
I need to go back to my simple life again. Maybe to where kwek once said, back to my secondary school days where we think simple, do stupid stuff and laugh it off. But I am not hiding in the shadows of my past, nor do I fear to advance into the unknown realms of my dark future. Somehow, I do not need to feel so much. I know everyone ard me is true to me, as we hold each other as brothers. I feel appreciated, liked, and .... happy. There are nothing to think about except where we should hold our next gathering. But theres obviously no turning back. Not now. But all I know is that I cant do this alone. Yes. I need company... someone to understand/share my pains, and enjoy the fruits at the end, with me. I am so jaded.
"Last thing I remember, I was running for the door. I had to find that passage back to the place I was before."
Having said all that, I gotta thank my dear Mom whose a little sick. Hope you are fine and lovin your life there, before you head back home and see me! Haha aint that bad, but you need to recover first! I just love my good friends! Always know I can depend on them, not that it happens often (or does it? hmm...)
There are so many things that call to my attention these days, esp when my duties start to haunt me! omg they just keep piling, with me absolutely no mood watsoever to start it! Oh well, fer my IU friends, I think its better to start reconsidering voting fer a new president cos obviously this one SUCK. I obviously need 1) 48hrs a day 2) to AWOL everyday from camp 3) just dun care at all. Kinda obviously I'm on (3) rite now. But guess when somethings gotta be done, I will do it. In the matter of time. hahaha...
Skipping RSM parade tml... Hate army, still do.... Good luck to Gene and my dear brother who is going in this Friday. Army sux.
# posted by gougou @ 10:17 AM 
