Friday, June 09, 2006
Trust
Trust is something hard to gain, and very easy to lose. The fragile nature of it makes people thread cautiously around it, sometimes stepping inwards to see if the ground gives way just to test how strong it can go; and sometimes it crumbles under your weight, while if it doesn't, you got a new threshold.
Maybe cos I put on a few pounds over these few weeks over my ice cream frenzy, i accidentally stepped inwards and i fell right through. I breach the trust.
As you fall, you just literally go down a slippery slope with unless negative possibilities. And its a mental stress that you can acutely feel if you ever treasure the trust that you have breached.
Excuses flood in first, telling yourself that everything's to be blamed except yourself. There is no circumstance that you can't break that trust, because of no.1 no.2 no.3 ... conditions. After which comes self-actualization. You ponder another few thousand possibilities of how you are involved in this i.e. should i step in just a little? or if i wasn't there at all will it happen? questions hit past you like a searing bullet. you know subconsciously you are very much at fault but still denying it. Next up comes the self-blame stage. You are without a doubt totally, absolutely, 100% positively at fault. Lastly the finale: guilt.
Guilt grasps you so hard that you feel ths pair of invisible hands grabbing you inside your chest. The choking feeling goes all the way up to your neck, rendering you breathless each time you think about your mistake. By this stage you are past with mental stress and go down towards emotional fatigue. Each time any of the above mental stages occur, you go straight back to guilt. Each time the same pain surges up, knocking you out cold. By the time I am typing this, I would have been hit at least a thousand times through the night. It's senselessly painful, but guess not at all compared to the pain it cause you.
The breach of trust maybe a thousand feet drop. But just like pandora's box, the last item that crept out of the mythical box was Hope, granting everyone that slight glimmer that one day, things may be the same. Like I said its a small speck of light, don't expect it to be some kind of soccer field flood light. Cos I don't deserve it, and none of the breachers do. Just like an angel sending a shimmer of hope from above, the person you have your trust breached can either seal the hold that you created, forever locking you inside the deep abyss of mental and emotional turmoil; or she can send down a thin fragile rope, giving you the final opportunity to slowly climb your way up a thousand feet. The climb is tedious, the climb is discouraging, and should you falter you will drop right back in, along with the rope and with your hope. The rope is thin, for if you ever try to hasten the process of climbing, it may snap and there goes your lifeline. But people still choose to climb it, desperately trying to reach out to the light and regardless the cost. Slowly.
Sometimes I can never forgive myself for the stupid, silly and immature things that I have done. Granted, I am a person with poor EQ, that is the cold hard fact. For some reason I inherited my mom's side of being sensitive. Its a double-edged sword that has cut myself deeply by hurting the one I care, and myself twice in the process cos you are hurt. Like I said, I have gone through the whole process over and over again throughout the night. The results are still the same, with guilt tearing me apart. As I lie fatigued from the process, I know you are out there. maybe you have put this matter behind the back of your head, maybe you are still mad, maybe you will not forgive me anymore. I have no control over it. But all I can say is whenever, whatever, however, I will still be waiting for your reply.
Please don't seal the hole that I have dropped from. Let me climb the rope, back to you.
Maybe cos I put on a few pounds over these few weeks over my ice cream frenzy, i accidentally stepped inwards and i fell right through. I breach the trust.
As you fall, you just literally go down a slippery slope with unless negative possibilities. And its a mental stress that you can acutely feel if you ever treasure the trust that you have breached.
Excuses flood in first, telling yourself that everything's to be blamed except yourself. There is no circumstance that you can't break that trust, because of no.1 no.2 no.3 ... conditions. After which comes self-actualization. You ponder another few thousand possibilities of how you are involved in this i.e. should i step in just a little? or if i wasn't there at all will it happen? questions hit past you like a searing bullet. you know subconsciously you are very much at fault but still denying it. Next up comes the self-blame stage. You are without a doubt totally, absolutely, 100% positively at fault. Lastly the finale: guilt.
Guilt grasps you so hard that you feel ths pair of invisible hands grabbing you inside your chest. The choking feeling goes all the way up to your neck, rendering you breathless each time you think about your mistake. By this stage you are past with mental stress and go down towards emotional fatigue. Each time any of the above mental stages occur, you go straight back to guilt. Each time the same pain surges up, knocking you out cold. By the time I am typing this, I would have been hit at least a thousand times through the night. It's senselessly painful, but guess not at all compared to the pain it cause you.
The breach of trust maybe a thousand feet drop. But just like pandora's box, the last item that crept out of the mythical box was Hope, granting everyone that slight glimmer that one day, things may be the same. Like I said its a small speck of light, don't expect it to be some kind of soccer field flood light. Cos I don't deserve it, and none of the breachers do. Just like an angel sending a shimmer of hope from above, the person you have your trust breached can either seal the hold that you created, forever locking you inside the deep abyss of mental and emotional turmoil; or she can send down a thin fragile rope, giving you the final opportunity to slowly climb your way up a thousand feet. The climb is tedious, the climb is discouraging, and should you falter you will drop right back in, along with the rope and with your hope. The rope is thin, for if you ever try to hasten the process of climbing, it may snap and there goes your lifeline. But people still choose to climb it, desperately trying to reach out to the light and regardless the cost. Slowly.
Sometimes I can never forgive myself for the stupid, silly and immature things that I have done. Granted, I am a person with poor EQ, that is the cold hard fact. For some reason I inherited my mom's side of being sensitive. Its a double-edged sword that has cut myself deeply by hurting the one I care, and myself twice in the process cos you are hurt. Like I said, I have gone through the whole process over and over again throughout the night. The results are still the same, with guilt tearing me apart. As I lie fatigued from the process, I know you are out there. maybe you have put this matter behind the back of your head, maybe you are still mad, maybe you will not forgive me anymore. I have no control over it. But all I can say is whenever, whatever, however, I will still be waiting for your reply.
Please don't seal the hole that I have dropped from. Let me climb the rope, back to you.
# posted by gougou @ 11:36 PM 
