Thursday, November 16, 2006
On Being Lonely
These few days while mugging for a series of exams, the suppressed feeling of loneliness creeps up on me. At that moment, I definitely wish to have someone around me. Someone to talk to, to listen to, or just being there. Funny, because I love my solitude. I like being peace and quiet, just sitting somewhere in the obsecure corner and stare into nowhere. I love being all by myself, walking around, sitting in a cafe with a book, jogging or doing sports alone; such moments seem to rejuvenate me, giving me time to reflect on what's to be done, what I have done over the course of the week or day, or simply just space out and focus on the primary activity (I'm a guy, I cannot multi-task). In midst of enjoying my space and time alone, I get hit by these moments where I crave for attention. Yes, crave. And no, I do not think its wrong. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your time with friends, family or just random people you do not know. But somehow, this is my comfort zone that I do not wish to step out. Btw, I suck at communicating with others, and can never carry a normal conversation properly. Even with my best friend. He just talk, and I will listen, occasionally spicing the one-way conversation with a nod or a comment. That's how it works for me.
I'm an introvert.
But that's just me. Like I said, that's why I love being alone. But like many of you have seen me partying crazy and doing all sorts of nonsense, that seem to be the part of myself trying to break free from the isolation I confined myself in. In the end, when the fun's over and partying's done, I will be alone somewhere. Sometimes the loneliness grips me to a point that I feel the need for a girlfriend. Someone "bonded" to you, being there for you and attempts to understand you. However, over the course of this year, I have seen what loneliness can drive people to make wrong decisions, or that's what I deem they are. Getting attached to salvage themselves out of being alone. My brother did just that. He got attached with his ex-girlfriend who he left years ago, only to get together again because of army (you know, army guys...). In the past, he expressed to me that he was disturbed by his ex. And now, being driven by the feeling of being wanted, he got attached. This goes to the same for a guy like me who is abroad and away from my comfort zone. There comes to a point when I look around my student population and see people getting attached out of no rhyme or reason. Just afraid of being lonely. But of course, there are special cases where true love blooms (like my sis and bro!), for that I sincerely applaud.
What I am trying to say here is that being lonely isnt as terrifying as it is. Having a relationship in my case seems to be out of the question, even though I am still being accused of flirting with people for this sake. Haha sad to say, I am way beyond that. Not that I care about what others say as it doesnt matter to me as well, just sometimes it hurts to think friends think about you this way. Sometimes it gets really interesting to listen to those gossips about myself! hmmm... For that part, at least I train myself to curb that feeling. All I do, is for myself to have fun and enjoying that particular moment that I'm in. Hell, if a special gerl comes along the way, I'm not stopping myself though! hahaha... Desperation drives a man crazy. But it is a state of mind. Knowing what you really want and using your head (not the other, and not your heart) to think are the keys to curb all that feelings.
Till then, I will continue to be the "satellite" person that comes and go, and hopefully God is kind enough to find a person that I really really like, so that she can share those moments with me.
I'm an introvert.
But that's just me. Like I said, that's why I love being alone. But like many of you have seen me partying crazy and doing all sorts of nonsense, that seem to be the part of myself trying to break free from the isolation I confined myself in. In the end, when the fun's over and partying's done, I will be alone somewhere. Sometimes the loneliness grips me to a point that I feel the need for a girlfriend. Someone "bonded" to you, being there for you and attempts to understand you. However, over the course of this year, I have seen what loneliness can drive people to make wrong decisions, or that's what I deem they are. Getting attached to salvage themselves out of being alone. My brother did just that. He got attached with his ex-girlfriend who he left years ago, only to get together again because of army (you know, army guys...). In the past, he expressed to me that he was disturbed by his ex. And now, being driven by the feeling of being wanted, he got attached. This goes to the same for a guy like me who is abroad and away from my comfort zone. There comes to a point when I look around my student population and see people getting attached out of no rhyme or reason. Just afraid of being lonely. But of course, there are special cases where true love blooms (like my sis and bro!), for that I sincerely applaud.
What I am trying to say here is that being lonely isnt as terrifying as it is. Having a relationship in my case seems to be out of the question, even though I am still being accused of flirting with people for this sake. Haha sad to say, I am way beyond that. Not that I care about what others say as it doesnt matter to me as well, just sometimes it hurts to think friends think about you this way. Sometimes it gets really interesting to listen to those gossips about myself! hmmm... For that part, at least I train myself to curb that feeling. All I do, is for myself to have fun and enjoying that particular moment that I'm in. Hell, if a special gerl comes along the way, I'm not stopping myself though! hahaha... Desperation drives a man crazy. But it is a state of mind. Knowing what you really want and using your head (not the other, and not your heart) to think are the keys to curb all that feelings.
Till then, I will continue to be the "satellite" person that comes and go, and hopefully God is kind enough to find a person that I really really like, so that she can share those moments with me.
# posted by gougou @ 5:21 PM 
